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#422834 - 01/21/13 10:26 PM Hello
Elissa Offline

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 7
I am a new member. I am a female survivor. I will not enter into any forums that are strictly for male survivors. I will generally stay in the Family and Friends Forum/Chat Room. People are invited to IM me when I am online if they want to know my story or ask a question in particular.

I am here to learn about myself as a survivor and learn from men on how they view being a survivor, how it effects their relationships and overall their sense of selves. I believe women do not take the time to listen to men when deep down they have so much to say on the subject.

My welcome has been gracious and I have already been given outstanding advice from a Moderator.


#422846 - 01/21/13 11:58 PM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
Welcome Elissa ...

I am a male survivor and have been here only 3 months.
This place and the people I have met here have been a Godsend,
and I hope it is for you too.

Sexual abuse of any kind, for both children and adults,
has a common denominator that is shared by all of us ...
male and female, and differ only in specific ...
but very crucial ways.

I firmly believe that the more you know the more you understand,
and by excluding each other we waste an enormous source of support, and therefore healing.
The challenge is to get the 2 together in a meaningful exchange of experiences,
and the repercussions both groups have to endure.

My life has been ... um ... long, and for lack of a better word ... interesting.
It would be nice to talk to people with a different perspective of how their abuse affected their lives ...
then and now ...
and those they have shared their journey with.

I don't know ... is there already a chat room for this kind of thing?

I would welcome speaking to you if you like ...

and once more ...


Experience is a brutal teacher.

#422850 - 01/22/13 12:39 AM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
femalethriver Offline

Registered: 01/14/13
Posts: 14
Loc: Columbus, Ohio
Welcome Elissa, female surivor here for support of my male survivor friends. PM me if you need anything.. I've been at this healing thing half my life now.

#422864 - 01/22/13 02:35 AM Re: Hello [Re: Shyshark]
Elissa Offline

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 7
Thanks Shyshark...I appreciate your note and the fact that you pointed out how gender is a non-issue when you are a survivor...I just wanted to be respectful of the rules and other people's feelings about this being a 'safe' place to share and connect.

I went to the Chat icon by FAQ on the top toolbar and that is where I was directed to Friends and Family.

I will be there for a bit this evening.

Again, thanks for the welcome!


#422903 - 01/22/13 02:04 PM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
Lavinia Offline

Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Hi Elissa, welcome and hello from another female survivor who is in a (very complicated) relationship with a male survivor. Feel free to PM me anytime.

#422908 - 01/22/13 02:53 PM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
BuffaloCO Offline

Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 490
Hello Elissa, I appreciate your saying that you want to respect other people's feelings about this being a safe place. You came into chat the other night and said "I don't see gender as an issue when your a survivor". Gender is in fact an issue for many here, a big one. It is a big issue because it relates to people feeling safe, whether they had a female abuser, or they don't want to be subject to or worry about stuff like political correctness. You should not simply disregard that. It's like you're saying: the rest of you really do not matter. I don't think that is what you intended, but that is how it could be received as that was my initial reaction. Now, I think maybe you don't understand yet how it could be received that way and are not being hurtful on purpose.

There are gender specific survivor sites for both male and female victims of abuse whether it's verbal, physical or sexual abuse. There are also survivor sites where people of both genders can go. I also believe there are many more resources for women vs. men, just a personal observation. Dudes are often treated like garbage too if they go to a rape crisis center, and with us, people sometimes assume a male victim automatically grows up to be a perp. I have never heard that assumption being made about women who are sexually assaulted. Those are some of the very gender specific things we face as males.

I'm not saying you have to leave. It isn't up to me and I'm kewl with talking to women who are supporters of male survivors, as they face their own challenges. I think you need to realize that to keep saying gender is a non-issue is a trigger for many here. It is painful to hear that for a lot of reasons.
�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

#422942 - 01/22/13 07:43 PM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
Hi Ellisa ...

I'm afraid I may have been misunderstood.

Gender is an issue.

I could go into several more points not mentioned by
BuffaloCO, but those that he stated are more than enough.

Male survivors of sexual attack ... in childhood and as adults,
present unique challenges that require a specific approach to therapy ... man to man interaction being the rarest of the rare.

The resources made available to men are miniscule in comparison to those for women ... and are as often as not completely inadequate.
In no way do I wish to imply that women get too much ...
but that men get next to nothing.

Male Survivors is for men.
The areas provided for men must be sacrosanct ...

Until now I have focused almost exclusively on my own self interests and know very little about the public areas of the site.
After doing a little digging I could not find what I would like to see ...
A 'chat room' available for anyone who wishes to interact would be great ... although after giving it some thought ...
I can see the possibility of a good deal of contention. It would probably have to be moderated ...
which I believe would be very difficult to do on a continuous basis.
Perhaps a 'Healing Circle' might be best.
I would be eager to participate in that type of format.

I do think it would be highly beneficial for both sides ...
but to be frank ... more so for our supporters
rather than survivors.
When all is said and done ... we need you ...
and you can't help us if you don't have the chance to ask
questions and get some replies ...
that your loved ones are often
simply unable to supply.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#422951 - 01/22/13 08:46 PM Re: Hello [Re: Elissa]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
I also meant to qualify what I meant by the term ...

'common denominator'

You are kidnapped.
You are tortured
... for ...
political reasons is one thing,
religious reasons is another,
to extort money is yet another.

Each of these is a variable
of 1 common denominator ...
You were kidnapped.

All 3 people understand being kidnapped ...
It's the differences that set them apart ...
from the same thing.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#422976 - 01/23/13 02:07 AM Re: Hello [Re: BuffaloCO]
Elissa Offline

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 7
I will leave BuffaloCo.

I see that I was wrong in coming here. I will remain registered but will not engage again in discussions or dialogue. I will merely peruse topics as a silent member.

You do not know me. You do not know my character. You do not know my full story. Yet again, I am misunderstood and judged by a man.

Thank you for reinforcing something I live with everyday...being misunderstood by a gender I sincerely only want to be closer to and with.

As far as Lao-tze:

"There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy."

#422977 - 01/23/13 02:09 AM Re: Hello [Re: Shyshark]
Elissa Offline

Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 7
You and BuffaloCo have made your points crystal clear.

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