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#422731 - 01/20/13 10:07 PM Will Feeling All F*cked Up Ever End?
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I haven't posted here in awhile, I guess because after two years of individual and group therapy I thought I was supposed to be all better but here I am again. Will this feeling of being all f*cked up ever end? Some days are better than others but its like I rate it according to levels of f*ckedupness, like even when I'm having a relatively good day there's always this anxiety that the balance could tip into feeling all screwed up. The irony is that the anxiety about this by itself is enough to tip the balance. I recognize that this is a PTSD thing, and in therapy I've been given strategies to ground myself but its pretty hard to come out of it when I'm in it, know what I mean? I wish I could take preventions but I don't even see it coming most the time. Anyways that's what's happening with me.
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#422735 - 01/20/13 11:46 PM Re: Will Feeling All F*cked Up Ever End? [Re: jls]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Well jls,

With 1100 posts you know we know what you mean. And wouldn't it be wonderful if we could go to therapy for a couple of years, get hit with a cure stick and never have to face any of this stuff again.

I don't know if an example, makes you feel less alone but let me try. With depression there is an assestment tool (Beck ) and the higher the score the worse. The best days I have had I took the assessmsnt. I scored the lowest I ever got. It was 24. The level that regular people score when they just lost their job.

So yeah, even good days feel usually like they are just less fucked up. And when I get a rude awakening (Like I just saw my brother - my first perp when I didn't even know he was in the country) all the strategies and coping skills are about as useful as a dead goat.

I know this is better than it was. And I will get over it sooner than I thought or used to, but why doesn't it all go away. I haven't lost self control over self-mutilation, or gone back into my delusions for quite a while. Why am I not fixed already.

Our stories are different, but we are all the same.

#422748 - 01/21/13 01:23 AM * [Re: jls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 06:12 PM)

#422830 - 01/21/13 08:19 PM Re: Will Feeling All F*cked Up Ever End? [Re: jls]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Like being an alcoholic (which I am) CSA is something you are never cured from. You are always in a lifelong process of recovery, and along the way, you figure out how to have a life, and live it as best you can.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#422831 - 01/21/13 09:39 PM Re: Will Feeling All F*cked Up Ever End? [Re: jls]
LazyPirate Offline

Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
My old T used to say that feeling some pain, depression & anxiety may never stop. We just have to learn to manage it the best we can & carry on. There will be days that I'm about as useful as a puddle, but most days I manage to produce. I'm trying to see this as a life long journey that I hope to celebrate victory over in the end... But any victory is far, far off. I'm pretty sure I know how you are feeling.
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson


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