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#422042 - 01/14/13 09:43 AM What has helped your partner?
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey All,

I just finished reading s number of replies to the questions " how did your partner disclose?", "did he get help?", etc.

I was struck by how similar the ways that men have dealt with their abuse- I never think others struggled like I did.

For me, my story is some what backwards- I got sober from alcohol early in life (in college) slid more into sex addiction in my 20s , got sober and found healthy sexuality after six and half years of marriage, and THEN the abuse memories showed up because of some life events.

I feel fortunate that I had so much 12 step and other support to deal with my addictions before I faced the abuse. I know these have been invaluable in facing my life's issues and not totally self destructing as I walk thru this.

So I wanted to ask:

what has helped your partner on his journey?
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#422177 - 01/15/13 10:38 PM Re: What has helped your partner? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
mkn10 Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hey there,

I'm soryy I cannot offer anything here. While my partner disclosed to me a year ago, I am still at a loss as to how to help him begin therapy/recovery of some sort.

Unfortunately, I made the choice to leave this week, maybe raising the bottom (as others have posted about) will lead to make that brave step. I hope so.

Looking forward to reading what others post.

#422311 - 01/17/13 03:31 AM Re: What has helped your partner? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Hi there,
About three years ago my husband told me what happened but it wasn't until about two years ago that things got bad. Then, I found out I was pregnant and it seemed to send him spiraling. It wasn't until he was very close to losing his job that he decided on help. I and his parents urged him to take FMLA (family medical leave--it is a job protected leave if you dont know about it). When you take FMLA you HAVE to be under a doctors care. About five weeks into his leave he finally took the step to see a therapist. It was so huge for him. Overall I would say things in him are slowly improving. I think there is a level of acceptance he needed to get to instead of hiding and running from this anymore. He still has bad days but the good days are becoming a little more frequent so I am able to hold on to some hope.

This is what we are going through right now and I'm so thankful he decided to take that step. Also, I try to jump on any opportunity to make him feel good if I can. He always tells me he feels like a failure, so when he is successful at something, even something simple, I try to tell him I'm proud of him etc. I can tell he appreciates that.

He also has some control issues that stem from his abuse, so I try to respect his privacy and not be too pushy with his recovery (I learned it has to come from him.)

Finally, by researching CSA and PTSD I was able to inform myself about the "Why?" questions. Why does he act out? Why does he not sleep with me? All that stuff I used to ask him and it just made him feel like a loser. It would be horrible. So by researching I was able to answer those questions for myself and not put it in the forefront of his mind that he is not being the best husband at the moment.

Those are the main things that I see as helpful for my husband.

#422331 - 01/17/13 05:42 AM Re: What has helped your partner? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
sallyjoseph Offline

Registered: 01/05/13
Posts: 10
Husband because he has been there for me no matter how good or bad my decisions were and he's always ready with an answer, encouragement, or just a hug. And husband because he has been through thick and thin with me and he knows eveything about me and he loves me in spite of myself. We helped each other at every time and specially when need help.

#422335 - 01/17/13 07:59 AM Re: What has helped your partner? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
my partner got help....i was always there for him. he had memories coming up, he had all sorts of things. at anytime i was there for him. he also got therapy. he goes there regularly and from the therapist saying he should be admitted (which didnt happen) it came to the same therapist saying he needs to only come when he feels the need of it and not regularly anymore.
as a partner, you need your survivor to KNOW that s/he can be completely honest to you. dont judge him/her on the perversions which are a result of the abuse. you need to see the fact that s/he has a right to become the person the survivor would have been without the abuses s/he faced as a child. never stop believing that. that is very important.
my partner can talk about everything to me. he told me when he used to sexualize children. he told me he cant see kids as kids. he told me when he masturbated with the fantasy of a small skinny work colleage. he needs to be able to be totally open and you need to seperate what he did from what he was made to do. if you are strong enough to do that, you are a very essential support for your partner and healing goes well. it will change your whole relation and after some months or years (months in my case) you will end up with a very honest, loving and caring person beside you, you can trust and rely on.
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end


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