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#421940 - 01/13/13 12:24 AM Concern with coworker
TW16 Offline

Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 200
Loc: Utah
About a year and a half ago a coworker offered to give me money in exchange for sexual favors. At one point I considered it, but then decided to report it to management. My coworker was not fired, bwt he and I were told to stay away from each other. At one point my coworker told me that he had been abused, and told him I was also--not that this justifies his actions. This has bothered me because I actually considered having sex with him if he paid me. It scares me. That is why I said something to management, but I didn't tell anybody about me considering it.

Even though we are to stay away from each other, I had talked to this coworker, and be told me that the company is giving him a lot of money in exchange for his reignition. Though he accepted, he said it isn't fair to me because he was in the wrong and he is getting money as a result and I am getting nothing. Therefore he is offering to split the money with me. (He did apologize to me, but admitted to losing about the incident.) He also shed the company because of the way they handled the problem. I did accept his offer to split the money, but an amount has not been decided yet, and it will not be in exchange for sex. Should I be concerned? Why would I even be considering this? What is wrong with me?

Before this incident happened I never thought about having sex with my coworker, now I have been. Why? I am not even attracted to him.


#421955 - 01/13/13 06:25 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
reject the offer - and run like hell in the opposite direction. never communicate with him again after you've told him you reconsidered and that you want to never hear from him again. this could be construed as the two of you plotting to rip off the company for the money. you could be in deep shit if it ever gets out that the two of you even talked about splitting his pay-off.

and it is also obvious that you are subject to further abuse at his hands if you are even thinking about doing anything sexual with him. that would really set you back - in my thinking. please don't lay yourself open to that.

only my advice - but i think it is good.

Edited by traveler (01/13/13 06:27 AM)
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#421961 - 01/13/13 08:43 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
I think that Lee gave you great advice TW.
Please be wise and look to be more protective to self, that means avoiding people who were mean and abusive toward you.
We survivors can be fooled and manipulated very easily, some our borders were shattered by others and under some circumstances that leaves open "doors" for problematic people, their offers and many problems.
Situation with how that guy approached you and offered money could be such example.

My advice for you is to avoid speaking about your experience as survivor to anyone whom you don't now, especially to strangers, people from work and people that you could meet while going out.
Think more, there are a lot of people who would like to use someone's weakness.
Many of us are confused with own sexuality, many times we don't know what we want from life, many times we are down and need some attention; those are doors for manipulative and dangerous people.
Try to avoid interaction with such people no matter how "friendly" they could pretend to be.

Keep sharing with us!


My story

#422115 - 01/15/13 07:35 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
JoziSA Offline

Registered: 05/05/12
Posts: 145
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Reject the offer and keep as far away from him as possible.
Rees (JoziSA)
My Story and Blog

South African MALE SURVIVORS of Sexual Abuse
If your mind can perceive it and your heart can believe it, YOU can achieve it.

#422211 - 01/16/13 11:50 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
You have received great advice here TW, may I add? Multiply that times 1,000! Run, don't walk from this guy. He does not seem to want to recover, but rather is abusing you RIGHT NOW with trying to control you through money.

You may be considering this because you need the money, who does't? It may be that the attention you get from this man triggers a submissive abuse personality in you that controls you when you are conversing with him. Sit with how you feel around him, post in Ms and listen to the advice and experience.

Possible replies when he talks to you:
  • "I am not interested, thanks anyway."
  • "You have been a good co worker/supervisor/CEO/janitor, but this makes me uncomfortable, please stop talking to me about this subject."
  • "Whatever we have talked about in the past on this topic I am no longer interested in continuing."
  • (Anytime after one of the above) "I have told you I am not interested, if you persist I will have to contact management, good day."
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#422323 - 01/17/13 04:26 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
J.Bytendorp Offline

Registered: 03/09/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Salt Lake CIty, Utah

I think you have been given a lot of advice. One thing that I would suggest is to work with a therapist to figure out what exactly is going on inside of you to want to get back into the circle of abuse and manipulation. I think finding different ways to interrupt the cycle would be beneficial. As male survivors, sometimes we do things unconsciously to meet a unmet need but these things can be harmful aka accepting sex for money or dealing with people who are abusing/manipulative but we with some help, we can find a way to get out of this cycle of abuse.

#422674 - 01/20/13 03:20 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
oktobe_me Offline

Registered: 06/17/09
Posts: 7
Interesting story. In a strange Kind of way, I can see the rational behind this split offer. He hurt you and may be sincerely trying to right his wrong. However, I think the advise already offered in support of you is accurate. Run in the opposite direction without accepting his offer... for your own safety in your employment position, and to forge a clear break from this person.
Please continue to reach out for MS support as you know from concerned post, you have support here.

all the best.

Edited by oktobe_me (01/20/13 03:23 AM)
Go confidently in the directions of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." H.D. Thoreau

#488033 - 09/04/15 04:13 AM Re: Concern with coworker [Re: TW16]
silenttolong Offline

Registered: 08/31/15
Posts: 25
Loc: canada
I know its hard to do but run run run
Its not about the money
Do you want that life again Even if you do feel tempted its opening up Pandora's box again Leave the past there and look toward the future.
Reach for help Do not do as I did ..Be silent to long. Now I am 75 and the abuse was at 12 13 14. All those lost years never free No matter what there is innocence somewhere inside all we survivors
Do not be alone There are many of us hurting
Always remember the power of one

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas time if you stop opening presents and just listen

love is what makes you smile when your tired and lost


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