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#422045 - 01/14/13 11:53 AM recovery
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
I am new here, but schooled by hard knocks and the streets. I have received a little 'flack' from members due to my ignorance of terminology from this site (or maybe this field of study) but trust I've been around and can figure things out...usually without help. Apologies I AM new here for those of you who discriminate.
Having said that rant...

WHAT THE F%^& IS RECOVERY?!? Any definitions from someone who is recovered? What successful processes exist tried and true? Anyone here feeling good RIGHT NOW? 'Cause it doesnt really sound like there is... any recovered happy calm minds out there? Or is the hell that is my foxhole mine to keep forever echoing onward?
I am not the forgetting type so I just remember and remember and remember and remember and remember.

And remember.
Everyone says TALK but it sounds like most people need to recall it all as therapy? Been living in recall for 20 years or so. Survivor Mode says my current therapist. (whom the wife hates cause she is attractive)

RECOVERY? sounds undefined and vague.

can u tell i am angry inside?
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#422055 - 01/14/13 01:44 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Candu Offline


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
To me recovery is getting from where I was to where I want to be. Now if you ask "when is someone recovered?" then that is dependent on the person and their goals.

You might condsider yourself recovered when you are no longer angry inside.

Close to 10 years ago I fell off the house. My recovery took a while. Broken bones and wounds healed. But I still feel the pain in my wrists (were broken) and will feel it off and on for the rest of my life. I've recovered but never will be the same as I was before.

I have yet to define my target goals as far as my CSA recovery. I've got an idea though. So I would say I'm in an early stage of recovery.

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#422056 - 01/14/13 01:47 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 381
Recovery is a journey that we each must take individualy.

But we travers common ground and can learn and offer support to fellow travelers, help give direction and guidance. If you realy want to know you will come to understand what it means for you. I recover from what is broken and lost. I recover to what was intended but not yet realized. 12 steps is one form of recovery work that has a lot of definition and frame work to help guide people through a recovery / discovery process it is a good starting place. Recovery is a lot about learning what we are doing and why. We come to an understanding so we can grow up where we are stuck. It's about growing up as much as anything.

You find your recovery by being honest with your self about what you feel and what you believe. This site is not realy set up to guide someone through a recovery process. It is set up to help people find answers and support. But if you say we're trying to brake the hold of drug addiction or sexual addiction or really trying to understand cycles of family disfunction and disconect from the patterns of behavor that we get stuck in then you may find a group that is doing that work together helpfull. If you are a victim of csa and are ready to ask the next question or need a place to talk about what you are going through, then this is a good place to be,

and welcom.


Edited by SmartShadow (01/14/13 02:12 PM)
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#422058 - 01/14/13 01:56 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3842
Loc: South-East Europe
I don't like some too strict rules and terminology; maybe it would be better to choose terms that you like the most wink

Personally I'm trying to avoid term recovery and rather use "healing" as term meaning reclaiming our destroyed parts and integrating it in one true self.

And yes there are survivors who are feel good, positive and calm. But we are not all the same nor there is some magic key how to get there. One of good sides of this site is writing it out, sharing it with others and trying to learn/understand other' paths. We are here among other things to learn from each other.

I have to add that I'm sad when hear about "flacks" from other members. We all are the same and on same side.

I must admit that one year ago I've been asked for some advice that exceeded my knowledge of presented family dynamics and many problems there. I tried hard to help and give some concrete advices and by doing so I was not aware that I could be very wrong and not at all helpful.
Fortunately one very wise member sent me message explaining me how to be really supportive, he said something like this:
Be sympathetic, offer your experience with dealing with similar situations (if you have experience), but don't give direct advices what is necessary to be done or not to be done limiting thus person to whom we are communicating in unhealthy way.

This also includes advice on using terms and interfering how someone expressing self.
Our words should be supportive and liberating not otherwise.

Be well!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#422060 - 01/14/13 02:49 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/05/13 03:30 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#422064 - 01/14/13 04:10 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey brother

Welcome

And thanks for the awesome question- I see a lot of great responses have been posted already. The men here have a lot of experience and support dealing with the trauma of abuse and many know all the false escaping and problems that stem from years of not addressing the abuse.


One of the original uses of the word recovery talks about moving away from hopeless state of mind and, for addicts, state of body.

I think that healing, moving forward, and reclaiming my life are part of recovery.

Eliminating negative choices and behavior from my life is part of recovery.

Making healthy decisions and learning how to take care of me is part of recovery.

Sharing honestly and developing trust with men is part of my recovery.

Showing up as a better husband and father is recovery.

Defying the direction of the path life set me on in childhood is recovery.

Enjoying life is recovery.


You wrote: "sounds like most people need to recall it all as therapy"

That isn't my case- I've had to address what problems are in my life today- the here and now- and part of this is seeing how it originated at the Time of the abuse- anger, running away, hiding from my problems, a deep feeling of loss and abandonment.

You posted earlier about your plight with anger, sexuality, substance abuse- plug yourself into getting help for these and you will start to recover and build a life. IMHO it is not possible to make progress when I am still chaotically acting out with addiction or compulsive behavior.

We all need help.

Welcome - I respect your attitude!


Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/14/13 04:16 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#422076 - 01/14/13 08:26 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 381
Originally Posted By: A270465
I am not the forgetting type so I just remember and remember and remember and remember and remember.

And remember.
Everyone says TALK but it sounds like most people need to recall it all as therapy? Been living in recall for 20 years or so.




I am working on finding a T who I can do EMDR with me. I think this help stop the records from spinning with out resolution. Sound veay hopeful to me.

Glad you are here with us
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#422087 - 01/15/13 12:12 AM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4181
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
A270465 -

OK - yeah - i am feeling pretty good right now - better than i have since i can't remember when! and it has been sustained for quite a few weeks now. so far, so good!

i think a fair number of guys leave this forum when they feel "better" - as if they no longer need it and maybe it even seems like it is a apinful reminder. that may be one reason you see so few who look like they are "recovered".

i asked a similar question of my T recently - "how will i know when i am "recovered or healed"? and he told me only i could decide that. he set me the assignment to write out a description of what it would look like to me. and i did. i've shared it with my wife and a close friend and then my T. they all agreeed that it was a good goal for me - and that i had already made significant progress on most if not all the points. i'm sure it would not be the same as someone elses list. maybe someday i will post it.

take a look at the Progress forum. there are some good and encouraging posts there to help visualize what other guys see as steps toward recovery or healing.

all the best on your journey!
Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#422095 - 01/15/13 01:59 AM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4181
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
looks like a lot of us are on the same track right now:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=422094&#Post422094

keep up the hard work!
Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#422098 - 01/15/13 04:02 AM * [Re: A270465]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 06:04 PM)

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#422138 - 01/15/13 01:54 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Welcome to MS. We're a pretty relaxed bunch...most of the time. And, imo, fuck the terminology, ok?

I guess I'll chime in with Obi and SmallTown80s on this one.

For me it's been a process. It continues usually as I'm able to deal with it. And I suppose that's the difference. Today I know things will come up and I'll deal with 'em. I know myself. I know my history. I don't like all of it. But I don't have to repeat the bad parts ever again. And I can embrace the good parts.

And that's my recovery.

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#422152 - 01/15/13 04:46 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 450
Recovery.

I can tell you one important thing, when it comes to recovery, for me. I spent a LONG time as a victim of sexual abuse. A LONG TIME. Four years ago, I began my journey to recovery. At first, the pain was tremendous and constant, but it was good pain because I knew I was on the right journey. IT HURT SO BAD SOMETIMES THAT I THOUGHT I'D DIE. I wasn't always sure that my heart could survive. It was so uncomfortable to look at the truth of my memories, and to name them for what they were. The humiliations were so intense. The memories were SO DISGUSTING AND FUCKED AND JUST FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!!! They made we want to kill someone, someone specific, for doing that to me. And stomp on his face. (Whew. I can get a little bit lost in that anger/pain somethings. Damn.) Anyway, like I said, the journey was the right journey, and it hurt but I've stayed on it. And I'm still on it today, and I promise you that this journey feels SO much better than my old journey as a victim. I doubt that I'll ever be done, be completely healed, but that's fine. I feel good most of the time these days. I love myself with an easy heart in a way that I never knew I could. I'm tackling the things in my life, those areas where I need work, in a decent and systematic way. All of this feels good. And it's all possible with good therapy and maybe some medications and with a lot of personal work.

Thanks for writing. Thanks for asking your questions. Good luck to you. You'll find the peace you're looking for, and if you or your wife has any problem with your therapist, I'd suggest getting a new therapist. Or maybe getting joint therapy. I can't imagine that I would be able to make any progress with my therapist if I had any external reasons not to trust or relax by guard.

Bob

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#422228 - 01/16/13 02:55 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Appreciate the responses Yall.
Glad that it appears I am accepted here... Although that word is also one of lack of definition in my world - accepted.
Kind of like not knowing what recovery is...
How to "get there" tho
yeah
confusing
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#422322 - 01/17/13 04:15 AM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 687
Loc: where the shadows lie
I don't think I believe in it for me. I do believe in positive growth and constructive change, but I don't predict I'm ever going to be at a place where my demons aren't constantly looking to drag me down.
_________________________
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

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#422845 - 01/21/13 11:42 PM Re: recovery [Re: A270465]
Ninja_Turtle Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Each may mean it in a different way, but I would take acceptance as something like "don't feel ashamed of yourself, we want to help and are glad that you're here".

As people have said, it can get better. It takes time. Talking is the key, I think, but talking to people who support you and are safe people, rather than anyone who will shame you or tear you down. It's not just the talking that makes it better, but talking about the most painful or shaming things and then getting love and understanding as a response, rather than being shamed further.

I have found it helpful to read up about soldiers' PTSD, which I find helps me understand myself more in some cases even than books about abuse do, though of course those are really helpful and important to. I gather you're probably already on that track from your signature, but just wanted to mention it anyway. I don't enjoy so much the technical books and manuals as just stories of individual soldiers and what it's like for them.

One sees even just on this forum, but especially from real life, that those who go through great suffering and survive and try to live rightly often have a wisdom and compassion and insight that so many "normal" people lack. There are benefits, if one can call them that, that come with the tortures. With time the tortures can diminish and the benefits increase.

All the best,

Ninja_Turtle

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