I feel sometimes that life is just passing by with such speed, it is like being in a time warp.
I feel that hours,days, weeks, months and years just go so fast, and I never get around to doing what I really need to do.
I guess I am locked in my child mind, just always fighting for him to survive.
I bought loads of paint and stuff, but have to wait till spring to use it, so I wish spring to come, but it seems so far away.
I guess my inner child thought that everything was so out of his reach.
He was powerless to react to situations that would overwhelmed any adult, never mind an innocent kid.
He never felt innocent after abuse, and yes, we all know that one.
I get things that come out of childhood memory, and trauma that shock me on looking back.
Triggers, but worth the read,
I am not viewing this as complete truth, but I remember a boy who jumped off a bus, one day, and ran in front of it, he was killed instantly.
All the kids instantly knew about the incident and we all ran towards the scene, I got carried with the flow, and what I saw freaked me out badly, real bad, but I not describe it here.
I cry as I write this, as I thought at the time.
Why did he die?
The worst part was, that I thought it should have been me take his place.
Even worse was this!!!
All of the kids ran to his moms house to tell her what happened!
I stood in front of them to stop them, but they were like a mob.
I told his mom not to be there, but she ran down to the scene, I was too young to console her.
I think that when I realised really what I saw it retraumatised me bad, it made me think about how ppl just treat death as a game, not the kid who is dead, but just the callous way the kids reacted to a situation like this.
I just picked off them kids and said they dont know how to care, and I got beaten up by one of them, he held me down and smashed my front teeth out.
He caused huge emotional damage, and he was real sorry after he did it, but I told him his apologies do not make up for what he did.
He paid for what he did to me, without me laying a finger on him.
How did I do that?
Because he was a bully, and I told him that I accept what he did.
He tried so hard to be a friend after realising what he did, but he did it, and he damaged me.
I did not seek revenge on him by hurting him.
But I hurt him by just blanking him out of my life.
This is the difficult thing for me, I know that he still does this today, but it was a survival tool then.
I was so hurting before he did it, but he smashed a hole right through my front teeth causing huge emotional damage, so I damaged him when he realised that he acted like an animal to me.
I got stabbed in class with a pencil, which I still have the carbon under my skin, but why?
Maybe it was because he was a target for every bully he could ever meet.
I guess so, and I wonder why I freak out, telling you guys little corners of how life changed bigstyle for him.
No wonder I protect little ste now,
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!