his thread has taken an unexpected turn, but interestingly enough still goes back to the question "what makes a man?".
...a female can Not raise a boy to be a man regardless what people say.
mmm. So let's see then - Bill Clinton is not a man. Neither is Barack Obama. Or Jack Nicholson. Or that little wimp Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez. Or Samuel L. Jackson. Or Laird Hamilton (I'm a surfer - what can I say
). Or Jon Stewart. Or Jay-Z. I'll stop here because quite frankly I could fill a page with exceptions to your rule.I
respect what you have to contribute, ntlsaved, and appreciate the good in many of the things you say. But I admit cringing when I read this. As much as I don't like to see ANYONE taken to task over what they say here, absolute statements like that tend to be lightening rods and are almost guaranteed to push buttons. So you probably shouldn't be surprised at the backlash. Many of us here have dealt with similar judgmental proclamations and you don't have to look very far
to see what I mean. And as far as same-sex parenting, the gay couple I know in my own neighborhood have raised two terrific boys (who are both heterosexual - not good nor bad but certainly dispels another myth from a similar line of conservative reasoning). I suspect they will ultimately emerge with far less dysfunction than I did from my own very loving - yet conventional - parents.
This traditional family crap needs to go. Many survivors came from so-called traditional families and were in many cases abused by the very people who were supposed to be teaching them proper gender whatever. We do great harm by perpetuating outdated stereotypes that are easily refuted by countless studies and simply by looking around and observing with our own eyes.
hat entire post, Gary, strikes a solid harmonic with my own thoughts. And I suspect that many of the agents promoting those traditional tenets in the most conservative organizations - from the Catholic Church to the Boy Scouts of America - have collectively visited more harm on children than single or same-sex parents ever have. Furthermore, in a level of hypocrisy I still cannot get my thoughts around, these same organizations protect and essentially perpetrate the criminality within their ranks while attacking single and same-sex parenting as a greater evil.M
eanwhile, back on topic...
This trauma in our life was not created or sustained by us, we were just innocents that were took in by a dominant, overwhelming force.
hank you so much for this, Sam. I look back and, yes, I know this. I wish I knew it back when it all happened.
I felt like a girl during the abuse years
suppose it makes more sense to say I felt "girlish". I didn't sit around thinking I was truly a girl, but I certainly felt like a magnet for more mature males, certainly a fear well founded on established precedence. My abuser made no secret that he liked my soft skin, delicate build, curved back, and "cute bottom" - really all the things you'd associate with girls instead of guys. I was the boy he picked among a LOT of 7-8 year old girls - I suppose it's no wonder
I felt like just another girl. And all through the abuse, even though I knew he was wrong, I was absolutely convinced I was just as wrong for somehow enticing him. I can't begin to say how deeply these feelings have infiltrated every aspect of my life. Even today, if someone does something mean or unfair to me, I always look first to myself for fixing blame: What did I do to bring that
on? Is that not messed up or what? My abuser - God I should just finally say his name! - took away all the tools I needed to define myself as a MAN in this world. He took away my manhood simply by making me feel convinced I was girlish - engaged me in the kind of sexual interplay that defined me in that role in the most intimate and physical sense, made me own the responses I was powerless to control or even understand, and then blamed me for the physical enticement he was simply unable to resist. Y
es - I know now that it is not the hair or the brawny build that defines a man - although if you asked little Eirik, he'd argue that. And I wouldn't blame him. But I'm an adult now. I look back at it all and see that my abuser was not the man that I was. Yeah, I get that. He was weak, he lacked any inner strength to stem the tide of his sexual desires. And I was navigating this labyrinth alone, all while trying my best to protect the girls including my little sister, and trying to keep unfathomable secrets - thinking I was saving the sensibilities of the neighborhood, saving our very hides. I get it all, now. Yet the role I was forced to play has worn deep grooves in my heart and they won't go away. They don't heal or fill in as you get older - they just stay there. Every time I try to drive out of those ruts I cannot - despite the traction I would expect my adult insights to give me.