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#421602 - 01/09/13 04:26 AM Blame game
Thulas Offline

Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Is the blame game part of CSA? Im on that time of the month not in mood for anything. We go to the shops at his request. Out of the blue my H turns around and orders me and my daughter in a raised harsh voice to leave the store just when we at the entrance. He says it is full there. We go into the car he drives away without buying even the sanitary towels I desperately neede. I dont like his snapping tone and manner. I keep quiet. In a minute I am supposed to follow a joke he makes and laugh about it. I am still upset and moody. H asks why am I quiet. I say I didnt like his tone earlier. "Oh now it's my fault and this supposed to make me feel guilt now that you blame me". I try to make him understand how it upsets me to be shouted at. Heis more agitated and snaps at me that everything that goes wrong its him. I feel not listened and hurting even more... screaming and yelling begins. Our daughter closes her ears....until we stop and start to sulk the entire afternoon. I resent this cycle.
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

#421633 - 01/09/13 01:11 PM Re: Blame game [Re: Thulas]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Dear Thulas,

There is much to feel discouraged about in this cycle, dear supporter, and yes, it is an abuse controlled cycle.

It sounds like something triggered him, it could have been something he had seen in the store, a flashback of an unpleasant or abusive time or even an anxiety attack that had no other symptoms or stimuli. His abrupt emotional swing from a panicked exit to joking in minutes is a strong personality swing out of control. If you could have asked him, he would have wanted to stay and get you necessary things, enjoying the time with you and your daughter.

I feel for you Thulas. It is chaos for a supporter to have to work with this erratic cycle. I encourage you to make sure you get those necessary things you need for your personal care apart from him, do not go without, you are so very important. Get outside support for your emotional needs, a confidant who agrees with a strong marriage and supports you all and to set firm boundaries so that in the future you and your child will not have to experience those struggles in him so vividly.

May I offer? When he changes from outgoing and easy to harsh and demanding, try to comply as quickly as possible. When he is safe, as in this time when he is driving away, ask him what was the problem. Whatever the answer, even if he is sullen and unresponsive, thank him for making sure his family is safe. When you see him understand your appreciation, tell him you have to have necessary things. He will want to help you. This will be difficult, I understand.

My best to you dear supporter, your brother,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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