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#420970 - 01/04/13 04:26 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 756
Loc: VA
Back in 1995 I tried to find the summer camp where "it" happened (35 years earlier) or at least to find some information about the place. I was hoping to give some reality to what happened, since all I had was a hazy story.

There were no newspaper articles, no mention of the farm on old or new maps, and no extant sign of the place. The state and local police, the county government, and the county librarian had never heard of it and had no records or information. I even paid a private detective to look for clues. Nothing.

All I found was a dirt road that we had used to get to and from the swimming hole, and a water-filled quarry owned by a (locally influential) family with the same name as the camp operators. Thus, all I know about the place is what I and my sister remember.

Since then, in the absence of any physical evidence about the camp or what happened, I've struggled not to let my imagination go wild and cook up too many dubious details. It's bad enough to remember the few fragments.


#420973 - 01/04/13 05:12 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3853
I understand your need for the picture. But for me the place has not changed--the cellar is still the same and most likely will never change unless the church is destroyed. I see pictures of the exterior of the church from old family photos. I have pictures but to me the cellar is the place that haunts me--I do not want a picture of the specific spot because it is so vivid in my mind.

As I said, I never had the desire to revisit but the circumstances required that I go to the church. I am glad you found so peace in seeing the place.

#420982 - 01/04/13 06:24 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I passed by the house we lived in a few times. It was a duplex and the older boy next door used to abuse me in the old shed in the backyard. It was boarded up and we were not supposed to be in there. In fact, we got in trouble for it. We had to help clean up the owner's yard as part of our punishement. When I visited the shed was gone, and a feeling of emptiness came over me. I wanted it to be there, to validate what I denied for so long. But it wasn't there. This was before the memories became so vivid. But even today, I don't see the abuse as the one being abused. I see it as if I am standing out of sight witnessing it happening to some other boy. I don't know how to integrate the separateness.
I am the warrior.

#421045 - 01/05/13 04:20 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
Being abused by another kid . . . I didn't realize other people had this happen to them too . . . When I've tried to explain, most people don't think a child can abuse another . . . always felt so apart from everyone . . . like my experiences were not something anyone else had ever gone through . . . Thanks for your honesty, guys.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#421049 - 01/05/13 04:35 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
jd123 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA
Yes..........I came across your post and thought back of how I have tried to. The movie theater I was violated in when in 2nd grade is now a remodeled retail store. I have gone in but left quickly. I don't live in the town anymore but when I go back I may visit again since I have just begun recovery this last year. I am having flash backs and talked a little bout it with my therapist for the first time last week. This is helping me focus. I have thought about going back to look for old real estate records and personnel records from that time if they were available. Yeah, the movie projectionist was the first one that got me. I have to quit writing now, I am getting naueous. But yes, I do have a desire to go back there.

#421050 - 01/05/13 04:41 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: unhappycamper]
jd123 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA

I hope your getting some therapy. I just started and it helps. What u r experiencing in fragments is real. Mine still come up when I least expect it.

#421081 - 01/05/13 08:02 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i have returned so many times in my mind during the past year or so to those places - that i don't think being there in the flesh would make any difference any more. i have actually driven past the house where we lived, the elementary school, and the middle school where most of it took place (all in the same small town). it was a weird sensation. like the car crash that you have to look at even though you are afraid of what you will see.

i'm sure none of the locations would look quite the same inside. they all looked different on the outside - cosmetic changes, remodels, additions and renovations have changed the details. but i know what they look like inside where it really matters - even if they have been intentionally re-done. that is frozen in time and engraved into my memory - even though for years i had "forgotten." now i can't forget.

but it did help to see the geographic location and the outside of each of the structures. it helped me know i was not imagining it or making it up. and the fact that each building looked different - because it had been deliberately changed - not because my memory was faulty - helped me realize that i have changed too. some of the changes have been for the worse - because of the things that were done to me there. but some of the changes are for the better - in spite of what was done.

so - i'm glad i went back - but i don't need to go inside. in some ways, i've never left...
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#421118 - 01/05/13 02:52 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi: I had the same desire and did go back. One differance is that I now live about five hours away, thank God. I had an over powering need to confirm that what I remembered was in fact accurate. It was,I will never go back again. I was over whelmed with emotions, thank goodness I had my wife with me. She is also a survior and has been great help. The flash back was total and seemed so real. But I confirmed that the memories were right and in great detail. It took several days to recover, but know I know it is all not just a memory, it was real and as I remembered. I had questioned it for many years.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

#421121 - 01/05/13 03:38 PM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
"The Location" actually runs up and down the I-5 corridor, and expands into two states...

That being said, for the purpose of this discussion, I believe his house, to be a crystal clear trigger of, "The Location".

Not that it really matters, his house was located next to Mall 205 in Oregon.

I think what does matter, is that part of me was stuck there. This weird highly triggering twisted bizarre playing of events....which just kept looping back into replaying my past...

But in the end, there is a saying that there are no unsacred places, just desecrated places. Earlier, in recovery I might searched and tried to find, the parts of my soul, that I felt that I had left there...

Today, I am left with thought that I no longer have those urges. All of those vivid memories were inside of me. "My answer" was not to be found, out there. Everything that I needed, was hidden deep in the depths of my soul.

My journey was inward...But to answer the question. Yes, I have had the desire to physically go back.

Since I have put tons of work into emotionally desensitizing that trigger, that desire has left...

The Child is Gone (Fionna Apple)

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#448737 - 09/30/13 04:44 AM Re: do you ever have the desire to go to the location? [Re: Jacob S]
JoeSmith Offline

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 129
This was an interesting post, and yes, I think some of us have wanted to go back to where the abuse happened as a way to deal with it. I think many victims of PTSD especially often desire to go back to the location, to help them walk through it and try to master some of the emotions associated with the trauma.
I hope you are able to confront many of your emotions and what happened to you, in my opinion it is in that facing the issues head on that we do make progress, albeit slow and in small steps.
Good post, I havent read one quite like this before, it was interesting to read.


Edited by JoeSmith (10/20/13 03:58 AM)

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