Hi, well I guess it is my turn to tell my story. I am 60 years old. I found out about MS two years ago and decided to check it out. I am nervous and excited about being part of this community. I want to ease into trusting and ease into sharing.
I was raised by my mother. In 4th grade we went to visit a friend of my mother. He lived with his adult children and their grand children. I went up to the attic to play with “Ben” the grandson of my mom’s friend. Ben was a big guy and a member of a high school football team. He had a camera and asked me to take pictures. I would look in the viewer and he would direct me where to look. After a while I was taking pictures of his face, his chest and then he told me to lower the camera. As I lowered the camera it was the first time I saw an erect, hairy penis. It looked enormous. The atmosphere in the room seemed to change. He took away the camera and had me just look at him. Before the evening was over he had me doing things to pleasure him.
I did not tell anyone, I was too ashamed. Initially after that I was scared and self-conscious every time we went over there. With enough time I would get excited and look forward to being with him and doing things to him. He never did anything to me. With time I learned to enjoy the experiences while feeling guilty and dirty. Still, I never told anyone. Over time I would meet other guys, some older, some my own age and as I got older our activities would become more reciprocal. I never however thought of myself as gay but rather as too shy or self-conscious to attempt the same with females.
It was a long time before I ever realized I had experienced abuse. It had changed my life. It changed how I viewed myself, how I viewed women and how I related to men (for the most part I didn't.) I did go into therapy. I have been married forever. I have a loving family. I still deal with SSA. I think of myself as a straight man with SSA or as bi however I am very sensitive and supportive of issues related to the larger GLBTQ community. I think of myself as scarred and healing but not broken. I also at times wonder how much easier my life would have been had I not experienced CSA.