been having so much body memories for few days now, and they are not of the sexuall abuse, they are of things my father woud do to me to punish me when I was child. Always, he would tell me he will make 'man' out of me, that men can take any pain, and he would put so much at me, could not cry or pull away of it, or he will do worse. Been feeling him hurting me, burning, other things, bad things in bad places, not wanting to be in my body, making me crazy. been taking the medicine for panic, one is not helping at all, other one, newer one I get, it make me feel sick, but maybe it help some, so keep taking it, more then I normal would. Haven't slept in two or three days, do not know really. Don't recall most of the week. Have burn on my arm, don't know how it get there, or when, if I do it or is accident. Been sick, so sick, feeling weak, bones hurt. Feel frezing cold, but have fever, headache, dizzy. Did go to clinic yesterday, they do lab test, it is not bacteria they say, so no antibiotic. But was dehydrated agin, IVs again, they mention hospital again for blood pressure I guess. Not remember any of it, only what Susanna tells me of it all. Feel like it must be feeling to die, just like am disappearing of myself. Will have to see him agin next week, when I take student to competition. Scared so much of it. Don't know how to feel better of anything. Not been here, I know, I am sorry I do not respond here this week. Right now, there is something that make it feel unsafe even here. I do not know how to make myself right again.
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.
"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963