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#420621 - 01/01/13 09:54 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
'How could you even want to be with someone who in TWO years has not even tried to reach out to have a relationship with his own flesh and blood?' That is not true. He knows her and loves her very much. He just cannot see her at the moment as he is triggered too badly. I assume you do not know about DID, as this happens to many.

'You honestly believe that his abuse did not start surfacing until he was with you?' Yes I do. He has a history of depression, anxiety, but did not know why. Do you honestly believe all men have memories of their trauma? again I don't think you understand that this happens often with DID, as the self is fragmented. No one else knew either.

If running is being in therapy, working hard every day to break cycles, take responsibility, try to work to understand triggers and change them, then what in your eyes is stopping running? He still suffers huge triggers, but things have moved dramatically in his patterns already with therapy . But a long way to go.

So no one is allowed to leave a relationship? Each person has to stay with their spouse no matter what. So if that relationship is deeply sad with no intimacy or trust or growth, that in your eyes is better for that child than him leaving to grow and heal from this abuse so he can father his daughter. And the subsequent partner is allowed to be spoken to like dirt by you just because he chose to leave his partner, before we even met? Life is that cut and dry?

The title of the post was a question to myself as looking back, yes I do worry that he does have drivers he doesn't yet know. This is a huge learning curve for both of us about the nature of DID and trauma emergence to know more about where I relationship sits with it all.

Do not presume to tell me that 'he is one of those people who runs from themselves'. You know nothing of what this man has endured, the multiple trauma that has lead to splitting of his personality into parts to contain that trauma. He is fighting with every part of his being to face this and stabilise in therapy. You have no idea who he is to say something that unkind.

Before you cast judgement, learn about what DID is. The mind sometimes cannot cope with complex trauma, so it splits into alters, different personality segments to contain it, whilst other parts function 'normally' to allow life to continue. It takes an event, a trigger, or just the mind being ready for this to emerge and start to be dealt with. Different alters start to show themselves, some trust, some are angry. The whole has to be integrated so he is aware of his different fragmented parts and healed. This is a long journey. He will be in therapy 5-7 years. And you think that is running? How would you cope in that situation? Where is your compassion?

There is no judgement from any men on this site of each other, yet among the women here it seems it is perfectly fine to scorn another for being human. It also amazes me how if it were a woman leaving an abusive unhappy relationship - that would be fine. But god help a man that leaves for good reason.

He is fucking terrified, yet goes to therapy, keeps working to build a relationship with his little girl when he is able. When he suffers rage triggers he cannot see her. Can you not understand that? He is so ashamed he cannot, yet wants her safe and so has to wait until a period of stability before seeing her. As time goes on - these will become more prolonged, until he is present and stable. The part of the mind that splits to contain trauma is also responsible for temporal awareness, so when he triggers, he is truly back in his younger self (at what ever age that particular alter is), and he has no memory of it after he comes out of it. Hence why he needs to keep his little girl safe. This is his primary concern. And I love him for it.

I have already said if he heals and we part ways so be it. I don't think he's on the 'downturn'. I also think that is a dismissive term for a survivor in a period of crisis. I think this 'downturn' is progress. Painful, but progress nonetheless as it is another layer of his trauma emerging that he can work through in therapy. We are lucky enough to have great resources for DID locally, and he is learning slowly to trust to allow people to provide that support.

I am in shock at the judgement on him. On me I can take. But you need to back off casting your stones at a survivor. You have no idea what pain he is in, and how much bravery it takes to wake up every day and fight that. I hope no survivor comes to this thread and sees those horrible words and feels shame. They have enough of that to deal with.

It is so easy to judge. To throw out the moral high ground. Life is a journey of growth. For both partners. We may not end up together no, but the growth we are having has been life changing for both of us.

Thanks for those that have PM'd me. I didn't want this to turn into slurs about my partner. I will stick up for him. And he will answer for himself in a few months when he is able to come here without being triggered. I hope you show him a little more humanity.

ps - I'm aware I'm like a cat with heckles up right now - this doesn't mean I do not hear your POV. I know this is highly emotional and I'd probably hate me if situation was reversed. But I can't hear bad things about my partner. I will fight his corner - until he can explain himself here. He is working SO hard, and it is a very heart wrenching thing to see someone you love try so hard, then be triggered and think hey have failed - not realising how far they have come. I am so proud of him.

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/01/13 09:59 PM)

#420623 - 01/01/13 10:06 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
This post has been removed, it is condescending and hurtful. The author of this post will be notified.

Edited by ModTeam (01/11/13 12:03 AM)
Edit Reason: Removed Post

#420628 - 01/01/13 11:20 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
aksnowyowl Offline

Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
ok crew...take a deep breath. a big "i apologize on behalf of those who have posted."

it is possible to disagree and to love, to be offended but not offend, to judge and not say a word, to think terrible things and be kind anyway. it's also possible not to write one word.

worriedpartner came onto this site in order to figure out where she was, where she needed to go, and to generally find some grounding. she was brave in coming to a site where they are a great many people who have experienced hurt on behalf of others. she was also brave in seeking advice and insight.

this site belongs to her as well. friends and family. she has a right to be here and a right to be treated kindly, if that is not possible, everyone here has the right to ignore her.

why add pain to more pain? why not be honest, but gentle? why not remember our own imperfections and our own desire to be understood?

#420633 - 01/01/13 11:51 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88

#420636 - 01/02/13 12:06 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
Hi WorriedPartner, it seems your post has activated different responses in people, I admire you for hanging in there. "My" survivor has DID or something very near to it so I know how it complicates things considerably.

I'm a little confused by both the guilt/self-blame you express, and the condemnation in this thread. Maybe I missed something, but I gathered that your bf had a gf before you, he left her, then he got with you...ok I am having a hard time feeling shocked....sounds pretty much like every other relationship on earth. People end and begin relationships all the time, sometimes for the "wrong" reasons and sometimes for "right", but people do what they do because it's what they need on some level at the time.

And I take it that you've gathered that survivors running from good relationships is a pretty common theme. Sad, yes. Inevitable, sometimes.
Was it a shame that he left his gf while she was pregnant, well yeah. The whole situation is a tragedy -his being wounded in the first place, which led him to a sad situation like that, perhaps with someone just as dysfunctional as he was, or perhaps he was the one with the issues, hard to say. Everyone loses in the aftermath of child abuse.

But any of us who grew up in a dysfunctional family, know its not always in a kid's best interests for parents to stay together. So I don't jump to the conclusion that he should have stayed with her for the sake of it, or that he made a mistake leaving -or that he should go back to her. It's possible he would have made her life a lot worse if he had stayed. And it's possible that going back to her would mean going backwards in healing.

Anyway, none of that has anything to do with you, IMO, that's his business and his responsibility. He is a wounded person with child & adult parts which makes him very complicated -but he still is responsible for his choices. That has been a hard part for me to wrap my head around. My survivor can be so vulnerable and childlike at times, it scares me because I feel like I'm the one in the drivers seat, and I'm the one dictating the course of the relationship. It's very unsettling to feel like the parent and it's a lot of responsibility.

But it's important to remember he has adult parts too and is capable of being an adult, and IS responsible...we can't take over that for sounds like you grasp this. It sounds like you have helped him empower himself to seek therapy and have maintained good boundaries, which is not easy.

So all this is leading up to my point, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, because I think you may be shouldering some responsibility that's not yours -it's not up to you to decide whether or not he should have left the 1st woman, or whether he should go back to her. It is his thing to decide.

He may be too confused to know why he did what he did, let alone what to do now, and that's common for survivors to question everything, including (especially) their relationships. I think adult relationships in general can be extremely confusing to the young parts. It's hard not to get sucked down the rabbit hole with them.

What I do think is safe to assume, is that you must have been a safe harbor for him in some way. I seem to recall that he shows you his child parts and you get to interact with them. That is a huge sign of trust (at least it is with my survivor). Also, if his memories surfaced while you were together, you must have provided him with enough safety for those things to come out.
As heartbreaking as it can be to be a survivor's significant other -its also a huge honor, because most survivors do not trust easily.

Remember the saying about a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I think that applies to his past relationship with the other woman, as well as to yours.
We come into each others lives for a reason and bring each other gifts that we take away at the end...whether the end is in a few months, a few years or many years, all relationships have value and lessons to be learned.

Oh, and one more thing I wanted to add, is that I am not sure that a survivor leaving a relationship is always "acting out." I think that's common, and sadly extremely common for the supporters here, but there are a lot of different survivors out there and a lot of different stories. Some men use porn/affairs, others (like my survivor) use rigid celibacy, isolation, or other tools. I think you said it well, not every story is the same (well, you said it better than that.)

Have courage, you're not alone in the fight, and keep your head up because there is a lot of dignity and value in what you're doing.

#420654 - 01/02/13 04:12 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Wow, I am saddened and shocked at the responses you have received WP. This should be a safe place of support. You are a supporter no matter what anyone here has said. I have known many people who's relationships have broken down, including my own in the past and the only two people responsible are those in the relationship. I have been cheated on, but I have always held accountable the person who had a commitment to me, not the "other woman". I don't have a great deal of respect for women who knowingly start a relationship with someone committed, but I suspect those that do don't have a great deal of self respect to enter into a relationship with someone like that. I suspect they are fighting their own self esteem demons. I believe you said and believed his previous relationship was over but this is your business, not any of ours. Blame and anger and hateful words do not help anyone. You are now in a committed, long term relationship with a survivor whom you wish to learn how best to support. I doubt highly that your disappearing from his life would magically fix his issues or allow him to go running back to his previous partner. My husband had a five year relationship with a woman before we began dating and I was married for 7 years. Before anyone jumps on me, she left him after cheating on him with his best friend whom he had allowed to live with them because he was broke. My marriage ended for a myriad reasons. We knew one another already and began dating half a year later. Having now spent almost 14 years with my husband, I am certain that his CSA issues contributed to the breakdown of his previous relationship. I knew her and she was incredibly lonely with him. She was confused by his mixed signals and needed affirmation from him that he was not yet able to give. She made a terrible choice in cheating on him, but with his growth and better understanding of himself, he takes some responsibility in driving her away. In any case, relationships are complicated and succeed or fail due to so many factors. Forget his past and focus on your present. Choose what is best for you and whether you can be his supporter now. Ensure you set boundaries around his behaviour toward you and toward others. Choose what kind of man you are willing to be in a relationship with and then challenge him to be that man. I think we do our selfs and our partners an injustice if we don't demand the best from them... Demand in a loving way I mean. If we accept less, then we quietly communicate to them that we don't think they are capable of more. I know my husband is capable of being kind, loving, connected, healthy and self-loving. I believe he can retrace to the essence of the person he is/was before these terrible experiences trained him to think otherwise. He... rather we have struggled a lot over the last month after making big leaps forward. He has slid backwards in his progress and I have had to reassert my boundaries again and again. I have just gone through a very tough holiday season filled with loneliness, isolation, lashing out at me and pain. He has stopping talking again and has essentially stuck his head up his ass again. He does not notice or ask about my sadness... He has not the energy to care. But this is my choice to endure. I am in control of and responsible for what I subject myself to. I can walk away and I know that. No one binds me to this life or this relationship but me. I cannot control him and neither does anyone else. He makes these choices. I hope that when the season wanes and we get back to routine (he took a "break" from therapy over the holidays) that things will improve. If they do not, I will have to reassess but I will not blame him for my pain. I will continue to choose not to be codependent and take responsibility for my own experiences. I always have free will and I know my responsibility is to my own joy first and foremost. This is what I encourage you to seek WP. You can support and love and listen, but you cannot, nor ever will make a material difference in your survivor's recovery. This will be his choice. Hopefully he will not spin through the revolving door back to the place that destroyed his last relationship. I hope he finally finds the strength and courage to move forward, but if this does not happen, then it simple does not happen. You hold your love and good memories close to your heart and move forward with love and respect for yourself. You hope for him that he eventually finds that strength and finally learns how to have a healthy relationship. I can honestly say this is my greatest hope for my husband. If he does not reach this point with me, I will still hope this for him with someone in his future... because I do love him unconditionally. I want him to find joy, with or without me. I will always be ok because I will love myself and this is the greatest joy of all. I know in my heart I would never ever find anyone to love like I love my husband, but I will always be happy. This transformation in me over the last few years has been my recovery and my saviour. Happiness and joy is not something we find.... We do not find it in others, or in things we attain or in things we experience, we find it in ourselves. When we stop looking for others to make us happy, we learn to BE happy. We learn to direct our own lives and make choices that feed that joy. We take responsibility for ourselves and we finally, truly show ourselves loving kindness. This is what I hope for every single person who visits this site finds.... Survivors, supporters, partners, ex partners, and yes, even mistresses; because when this happens the transformation in us guides our choices to make them with love and respect towards others as well. No one who does harm to someone really knows love. They do not know love for themselves and therefore do not know how to truly know love for another. This greater light is what we should all be reaching for and helping each other to reach for. Only then do we crush, negate and destroy the hateful, destructive, disgusting abuse that happened to our loved ones when they were children. Only then do we truly triumph over the REAL evil. Only when we act with loving kindness to ourselves and to others do we act as a complete opposing force to the hateful, cruel actions that started this landslide that we all find ourselves suffocating under.

Love and lightness to all of you. May you all find a way to nurture your own wounds and move forward with love and respect for yourselves.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#420676 - 01/02/13 11:58 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/04/13 01:09 AM)

#420887 - 01/04/13 01:08 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
Having been up pretty much constantly since first posting I've had a lot of time to think about what was said here.

I have contacted his uncle (his only other safe person) and let him know I may well be part of my partners problem and that I need to bow out for his sake.

I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life, in a way that has changed me forever, it has been my greatest blessing and I do not regret a moment. But if I am distracting him from his recovery as has been suggested, keeping him from his daughter, or making his shame cycle worse as they said, I cannot stay just because I love him. That is selfish and that would be for me. Not for him.

If I screw this up and stay when I'm contributing to it all, I could fuck up all his hard work that he's done and doing. I cannot risk that. Every day is so hard at the moment with his DID. That I could mess up his healing. After days of running this through my mind, I just felt like if I go, I will hurt for a long time as thought I would marry this man, but I would be alright one day. But If I ruin his healing - he might never recover, and that would impact his daughter. So I cannot put my needs above his in this situation.

His ex gf lives with his parents. His mum has chosen to mother his ex, she contacted her and asked her to move in, she identifies with her she said, and does not speak to my partner. Hence why seeing his daughter is harder right now - as that family home holds many DID triggers for him from childhood and that mother/ex gf fitting of needs and excluding him has also triggered abandonment and boundary issues. (perp not there so his daughter safe)

I really don't think I can just leave him now as flickr suggested as both his adult, and his alters trust me, and for me to just leave them would do damage. I love them all and don't even know how I will say goodbye to the adult, let alone the little boy.

So the plan is to help him settle with his new trauma therapist, which is a major undertaking as he's mainly in an alter that is non communicative and very paranoid atm. Once he is settled his uncle can help support him. His ex does not yet know about the CSA, so I suppose he will tell her when he's ready once I am not distracting him from that. Maybe if/when she leaves his parents home it will be easier for him to tell her.

Even though there were things said here that cut me very deeply, I am grateful I came here as I genuinely hand on heart did not realise that I was part of this cycle. Yes his DID has really spiralled - but that has been with the emergence of trauma, unless this dynamic with me has made that worse also, I just don't know. The whole thing is so overwhelming and to think I could be part of this pain really has shaken me.

He's done so much for his sense of self in the last 2 years and in lucid days is an exceptionally insightful and caring man because of that work. He's training to change careers to something he loves, he's a healthy weight for the first time ever, he stopped using porn (and yes i do know that as there was no shame about it, we openly discussed, I was 100% ok with it, and it stopped in therapy. May start again I know, but I celebrate his success for as long as it lasts as he was so happy), sugar binge eating is down about 50% which is huge, steroid use has stopped totally. I struggle to look back and invalidate the road travelled, as I really feel in my heart it has been incredible. So much in my life has opened up too with him, so much healing from my past. But again now i'm doubting that too, and wondering if it was in my head.

What keeps me strong is that his daughter comes before me as she is the innocent in this. She's so perfect and beautiful I love her. I know he feels now that he does not want to be back with his ex - but she is still waiting with open arms, so once I am not a distraction, I hope that shame that I propagate can start to heal with her. He misses his daughter so much. As he learns more to self care, and love himself, and the rage is addressed, he will be an incredible parent. They already have a bond. But he's in too many different alters for him to build on it right now. I know she will love him unconditionally and not hold it against him. I think much better absent now for a little while, so he can then be a wonderful nurturing energy in her life.

I feel now I am doing the right thing as to not risk his healing. And at the same time I am heart broken and so worried about him it hurts. Sometimes we just do not get what we want in life though, and I have to do the right thing by him and his daughter. This whole thing is so confusing. I know I'm not part of the first wives/partners club, and this forum is primary full of them. But that doesn't mean I do not love him with every part of me. I am so exhausted from thinking about this and living day to day not able to discuss the fact I might be harming him with my partner. Knowing he would deny it and panic that i might leave. It all hurts so much.

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/04/13 01:19 AM)

#420904 - 01/04/13 05:17 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
I am surprised by this WP. I guess I don't know why you think you are part of his cycle of shame and why he would be better off without you? All I have heard is positive changes and steps forward in recovery during the life of your relationship with him. What makes you think being with his ex would actually be better for him? Just because he had a child with someone or because he was with her for 12 years does not mean she was the "right" person for him. I was with my Ex a total of 10 years, but putting in "the time" did not make him right for me.

Please know, I am NOT saying that you SHOULD stay with him, I just hope that others have not told you that you SHOULD NOT stay with him because you do not belong to the "first wives/partners club". Please do not let anyone play out their resentments through your feelings of guilt. Your experience and relationship is as unique as a snowflake. Many F&F talk as if all survivors are the same man, but they are not. They may have similar triggers and similar reactions, but they are individuals. My son has autism and while there are many similarities in the strengths and weaknesses that individuals with autism have, they still all have different personalities. CSA does not make a person who they are any more than autism does, it just creates similar struggles, similar weaknesses and YES, even similar strengths. And sometimes, just maybe, someone is acting like an arse to their partner because they are an arse... CSA does not define, explain or excuse every behaviour in an individual.

I am no expert in DID, but maybe things get a lot worse because healing is beginning. I have read many survivors stories on here who's trauma symptoms got worse when they began recovery because they were finally allowing themselves to feel again. Because they felt safe to feel again. I firmly believe chaos is required for meaningful change.

Perhaps I don't know what I am talking about with DID... please trust your instincts above all. Listen to your gut. NONE of us have the answers for YOU... they are all inside you already. Our role here is to give you a safe place to explore your thoughts and feelings and gain the confidence to listen to your inner voice. We are your witnesses and your support network.

Now with that said, if there is any part of you that is thinking of leaving because this experience has been too overwhelming, then allow your health and happiness be your guide. It can be incredibly draining being a supporter, especially to someone in such a state of chaos and disassociation. People who work in the field of mental health need breaks because of the secondary trauma that can occur, and these people are not emotionally connected to it! Do what you need to care for and protect yourself first. As the age old advice goes, always put on your oxygen mask first, because you can't help anyone if you suffocate first.

Take your time WP. Decisions do not need to be made in haste. Take a break, take a deep breath and spend some introspective time deciding what is right for you and your partner.

Be well.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#420974 - 01/04/13 05:22 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
This post has been removed. The author of this post will be notified.

Edited by ModTeam (01/11/13 12:05 AM)

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