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#420978 - 01/04/13 06:11 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Outoflove, you do belong here and I am truly sorry that this thread has left you feeling this way. I was not attacking you or anyone else on MS with the comment of mine that your quoted... I was speaking from my own place of truth having also been treated terribly by an ex husband whom I stood by and tried to "fix" with my love, only to be abused by him. Even though he was damaged as a child, this did not make it OK when he threw me from a car onto a deserted street at 3am in a very rough part of the city. It is was not ok when he decided to throw me around at home and break furniture over my body. He now appears to be happy and married to another woman, but continues to slag me on school alumni sites for having "wasted" 10 years with me. This was from the place I spoke. I had to come to terms with the fact that no one, not his dysfunctional family or upbringing or anyone else could be blamed for his behaviour. He was in control of his choices and he chose to hurt me... so yes, I now think of him as an "arse" because his behaviour was such. I grew a great deal from this experience and learned to separate support for a loved one with a past from their disrespectful behaviour towards me or others. It took a lot of personal work to let go of my anger, resentment and self-pity following my marriage breakdown, but this personal work has allowed me to be stronger, healthier and happy.

If you felt attacked by my comments, please know that they were not meant to hurt you or anyone. I understand that you may disagree with my comments to WP. This is your right. I also have a right to support her in the way I think is kind and respectful, and in my opinion, the best way to support anyone is to encourage them to listen to themselves. My responses are firmly to her, not to you or anyone else. I have no stake in WPs choices and whatever she chooses does not impact me; I hope, out of compassion alone, that she does what is right for her and her partner.

WP, I am really, really sorry this is playing out in your thread... You need support from the members of this site, not to be distracted by conflict between its members. I will not post again on this thread to anyone except you. This is your thread.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#421015 - 01/05/13 12:55 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167

Edited by Valkyrie (01/05/13 02:53 AM)

#421037 - 01/05/13 03:36 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
To the OP -
I feel confused, and surprised and a bit sad. I didn't get anything from your post(s) to suggest that you are part of the problem, or making his recovery worse. Granted, you know more than any of us here, about your own situation, so you know's seem very sensitive, caring, and attuned to seem to love and trust each other...
I feel sad because I feel that you are blaming yourself when you shouldn't.
Often intimate relationships can, and do, trigger a survivor and force them to confront a lot of their "stuff" so they can appear to make things worse. But that doesn't mean the relationship is harmful...just triggering. It's stuff they need to work through at some point. In that way, it can be cathartic and very healing.
If you love him, and he loves you......I would just ask you to sleep a few nights or a week or a month on your decision to leave.
Lots of hugs to you OP.

#421106 - 01/05/13 11:40 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
WP - for what it's worth, your partner seems to have benefited from being with you. The fact that even his little parts trust you means a lot. I think that it is quite possible that his memories are surfacing now because it is safe, unlike before.

You have to understand that many of the supporters here have been hurt badly, and will inevitably post from that place of hurt. He may go back to his ex in the end, or he may not. Either way, I don't think it would help him in any way for someone he clearly trusts, to abandon him now...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#421789 - 01/10/13 09:09 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
I have taken time out to just sit with this and be. Thanks to all of you, male and female, who have opened your hearts to give me such wisdom and your thoughts. I've actually printed them out as they have been lovely to mull over and just realise people 'get' this in all its complexity.

I do not know up from down at the moment with his DID. I am trying to gain clarity whilst being in the eye of the storm. The boundaries get blurred between where my responsibility ends and his begins. DID comes with a lot of force in the rage alters. It has been quite something to experience, even whilst learning as much as I can.The horrible things on here made things worse, which is why I didn't return for a while. God knows what is going to happen. Literally.....think only he knows. So I am going one day at a time. And not feeding my fear by listening to the nastiness. Using the measured comments to keep checking in and making sure i'm looking inwards at my drivers and consciousness. What else can I do really?

My partner chose this route, as yours chose his outoflove- and it is part of where they are going. Neither of us can control that. If we do not work out, I will be heartbroken. But I would be grateful we are further along in our respective journeys than we were before we met, and we will carry on learning. I do not own this man, and I do not own his path in this lifetime. I have shared some of it, and the learning and joy and depth of experience has changed me forever.

I think there is plenty of support here for you but you need to allow others their own journey. It may well be different to yours. No one refutes you're having a really shit time. But no one is a winner in this. It is shit all round going through it. It isn't a competition. We ALL do our best, with the awareness we have at any given time. We ALL screw up. I'm sure your halo slips occasionally too. Gaining more awareness just means you're even MORE aware of how much you fu** up smile I get massive self doubt, hence my posts in response to the nastiness. At the moment from your posts you seem happy to absorb what feeds your personal story, and refute anyone else's experience that is incongruent with that story.

Outoflove you said - 'the fact that your partners mother and father took in his ex and her child speaks volumes.' So you would choose your son's ex partner over your son? You are so quick to judge without knowing context it is frightening. Things are never black and white- surely you have learnt that from being involved in this journey.

Do not be spiteful to CdnDW. She has a point and I took it with the tone it was meant. It is not highly offensive to everyone on here, it was an offering of an opinion. And yes - sometimes someone is just being an ARSE. I know I am sometimes, when I'm not aware that i'm projecting blame onto another. Aren't you ever an arse to someone outoflove?????? (awaits storm of fire to rain down on me for that comment, it was said tongue in cheek but think humour may get lost on this occasion)

At the end of the day I am not a some scarlet woman (I don't even know what that means tbh, sounds like something my nan would say) I'm a woman, who has done a lot of self work, has a lifetime of self work to go, and who has ended up involved with the most beautiful wonderful brave man I've ever met. Who had this secret that he disclosed to me and I would not change that for ANYTHING. You, outoflove, have been deeply hurt by a survivor acting out and leaving, or maybe he just had to leave to heal. Reflecting your hurt as blame on others does not make you feel any better. There is love and support here for you too. From me also. If you could stop to breathe and allow others their own unique experience.

N x

#422337 - 01/17/13 08:20 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
you didnt know and most probably he didnt know as well. you are/ were his strong pole. thats why he came to you.
if you feel so bad about his ex you should come clean. why dont you just go there, together with him of course, and inform her about all the things you both know now. sometimes explanations help most, she can then get on with her life and you probably feel better about it.
its very natural for a survivor to get rage, anger...and just think of it as an angry teen. control issues are essential for a kid (not grown, not developed - the chances were taken from them by their f...up abusers)to have control. all you need to do is to show him that he doesnt need to control YOU, he has you under control due to your love (if its still there). he just wants some safety and he doesnt feel safe. he needs you to be there for him and he needs you to be able to be fully honest to you. if he can talk anything to you, you can help him over this and if you lose him in the end, then thats the risk you take. it does happen, but not always. if you still love him, read more, talk more and make sure you understand him really.

everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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