But I need to do something. It is not healthy for me and it stops me from looking at myself honestly.
We all face this situation at some point. It can be porn, drugs, alcohol, dangerous sexual encounters, self-harm...etc.
it stops me from looking at myself honestly.
Yes it does. For decades in some cases...for entire lifetimes too.
Yes it does, and its not right. Its not your fault! If you were abused: sexually, emotionally, physically etc., you were stopped in your tracks...left to deal with it the only way you knew. No one to pick you up and point you forward.
What was "it?" You are anonymous here. Maybe it would help to say the words...what happened to you?