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#420547 - 01/01/13 12:23 AM I think i have really messed up
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
I have wanted to post but as I have learnt more, I have become increasingly scared of the judgement and how I will be received.
I met my partner two years ago. He has left his 12 year relationship, his girlfriend was pregnant, and told me it was because the relationship was very unhealthy and he need to break away from co dependency in order to be a good father. That their relationship wouldn't be good for their daughter as they both had so much fear and anxiety together.

I took it at face value - fell in love with him and we began a relationship. I look back and feel I should have known something was wrong. And maybe my background of emotional abuse at home stopped me seeing this (I have finished therapy for this and feel strong in myself though). I don't know. I blame myself hugely.

When I met him he was overweight, binge ate, drank a lot, and was very shy, and truly lovely - the best man I've ever met. In time he began to self care, stopped binge eating, got healthy, became t total (I am and he decided to join me) and became more confident in himself, outgoing, allowed me to compliment him on who he was, and his skill at his job- which before he wouldn't. Intimacy/sexual confidence was a huge issue for him but I put it down to his body image issues and we openly discussed his feelings around it and overcame it over time, with a lot of love and awareness in intimate situations.

In Feb of this year he told me in detail that he had been abused aged 8 by a close family member. Really horrific abuse, and I think there is more to be remembered. I held him and told him it was not his fault, I loved him and loved him even more now for the strength in speaking out, and that his voice mattered.

Since that point however the trauma has really exploded and when triggered he is now hugely aggressive, verbally abusive, seeking control, retribution. I understand it as have been educating myself as much as I can - but it is still very overwhelming. I have found a wonderful therapist who is willing to work with his current therapist to transition him over (with his approval), as his current therapist is not qualified to deal with CSA and complex trauma and wants to refer him on.

He is not seeing his daughter as she triggers him. He trusts no one, is paranoid. Binge eating again in that cycle of self harm and shame. Wants to take steroids to get big so no one will hurt him. All running from pain I know. It is heart breaking to see.

Having read so many stories of wives and long term partners being left on here, I suddenly have come to realise I am one of the women who a survivor has run to. The ones referred to as the 'whores' on this site.
I feel like the foundations I thought the last 2 years were built on were not real, that I did something terrible by being with him, and he should be back with his ex. She is still waiting for him to go back to her. I see the hurt of women on here who have been left. And I feel now that I am responsible for causing that pain to another woman. I just didn't realise. I thought I knew what we had and that him facing this with me was a positive, albeit incredibly hard thing.
I now worry that part of his current trauma is the shame of leaving her. That he is in this crisis point because he is not where he needs to be to heal. I don't know. I want to do the right thing by him. If that means stepping away and losing him then I will do that as his pain is terrible to see. But how do I know. He insists he wants to be with me. But these drivers are not in consciousness a lot of the time.. I am not a horrible person, but think i really messed up by getting with him. I don't want to add to his shame and pain. And i certainly do not want to be the cause of his relationship break up if he was running from the CAS and not their relationship issues. If there are harsh words for me I understand.

#420572 - 01/01/13 07:29 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't know where your head was at when you took his claims about his relationship at face value. I'm sure his story sounded real, most likely because he believed what he was saying. If it felt like he was telling the truth then you subconsciously pick that up. You were naive or blind or both.

I saw your first post in the Introductions forum. I wondered why you didn't post here. But now having read that you are the other woman (I don't believe was in the other post) I understand the post there and not here. (this one added later)

I went to go look at the Introductions post that you made but I see you have deleted it. I remember that you included his and your ages that you don't include here. As I recall you are in your 20s and he is in his 30s, about a 10 year difference. I don't remember what other differences between the two posts.

Since you have done some reading here I assume you picked up that there are not a lot of happy endings here. And considering what you wrote above I wonder if you could find yourself in one with him. I got the feeling that if he becomes whole again that you may not be with him afterwards, and you know this can happen. And you still want to provide support knowing that there is going to be a lot of pain involved. That says a lot about you. I think all you women here are crazy but I love you for it.

#420580 - 01/01/13 11:49 AM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
Thanks for the honest reply. (He is 37, I am about to turn 30) My focus now is to help him. Yes I am well aware that him getting further along in healing may totally finish the relationship with the man I love, but on a basic level I will recover if this happens. If he does not get help he will not recover. So if I can help hold him through this stage as the only person he trusts, then I will, no matter what the outcome, as I love him.
I started this relationship in good faith, believing him, as I had no reason not to. Relationships end all the time. Without knowing his back ground I had no reason for warning flags. I still blame myself and will do all I can now to allow him to make the right choices for him as he heals. He's a very wonderful, moral, emotionally intelligent man. I have never loved anyone as I love him. But need to focus on the journey right now and get him safe and secure to then take follow his own path.
Thank you again for replying

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/01/13 12:03 PM)

#420581 - 01/01/13 01:25 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88

#420582 - 01/01/13 02:07 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
Hi is in therapy. We have found him a fantastic trauma therapist who he is starting with. His last therapist felt she had to refer him on - which caused a lot of upheaval for him. It took a while to even get him to therapy as he was so scared, and I could not disempower him by forcing him into it, it took time and trust for him to take that step himself. Which he did.

However he has DID so once he began with her things escalated and he has been referred.
He had left his partner when we got together. The relationship ended and we met after. But not long after. How was I to know this was lying underneath? When you meet someone you just do not know this could emerge. When we met he didn't even have CSA memories yet. None. They emerged whilst we were together.

The site may have been around for years but I only learnt of his abuse a few months ago and we were working together with therapy and some UK based resources. Just because I did not find this - I doesn't mean I don't care.

It has only been through him hitting crisis point in the transition of therapists that has had me learning more about DID, and more about why he might have left his relationship. His trauma has been emerging - and you can only deal with what is presented at the time, which is what we are doing.

Hence my honesty here in trying to ascertain whether I do need to walk away to give his old relationship a chance.

I am not his rescuer, I am trying to help him feel safe enough to find his own path, where ever that may lead him. Away from me if needs be. He has done a huge amount of work on himself in the time we have been together - his strength in doing that for the first time in his life has been huge - and I don't think can be discounted by you telling me I distract him.

I understand your anger - but I do not feel that every story is the same as yours.
As for me contributing to a child entering the world with an absent father, this is not true. He had had to stop seeing her for a while because she triggers him - and until he gets a handle on that he is scared to be around her because of the rage. He wants her safe. Hence the specialist therapy now.

I do not want the blessing of people here. Only for me to understand more. As I have said i will walk away if needs be. I will not however point the man I love in the direction of a website and disappear. I will help this bridge in transition of therapists. As the only person he has disclosed to, for you to suggest i disappear is not realistic. Northernflicker - 'Not once in your post did you mention therapy' - I think you need to read it again as I did mention it. I think maybe your anger lead you to process the parts that insult you - rather than the whole.

I have come here with my honesty and my concerns looking retrospectively on a situation that I could not have possibly foreseen. My concern is to help empower him to go in what ever direction he needs to. I stand by this despite your judgement

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/01/13 07:42 PM)

#420603 - 01/01/13 06:28 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
aksnowyowl Offline

Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
to me, in this forum, all of us are experiencing some level of pain, loneliness, and thankfully, wanting some honesty in life.

my husband is a CSA survivor and i am a rape survivor. we both struggled with mental health issues, addictions, codependency: the perfect storm of trauma. but from time to time, we experience the eye, the calm part, where all the awareness and honesty and acceptance is.

12 step programs are a must for me. speaking with others at my utmost honesty keeps me aware, on my toes, and within my own boundaries. when i'm honest it's not so easy to cast blame outwards or too heavily inwards, since at my very worst i will vacillate between blaming a few people for everything or believing that i am the source of all pain for everyone in my social circle. neither are true, but both are true in smaller degrees.

if you haven't tried al-anon, i recommend it. it's awkward, it's uncomfortable, it'll probably piss you first...and then i have found myself to be in very good company...with other people who are in pain, looking for honest feedback, and who won't be judgmental.

i have asked my sponsor, our marriage counselor, my therapist, over and over if i should stay in this relationship. there are red flags all over the place, but there are other flags too, flags for EMDR, flags for fidelity, flags for self-care, flags for being a wonderful friend.

relationships are complicated. my sponsor gave me an answer i can work with, "if you keep yourself honest, well taken care of, and grounded, a time will come when you will know whether to stay or go, and when it does, you'll be at peace with that decision."

there's enough pain out there without my having to add anymore to the pot: i wish you and your husband the best.

#420604 - 01/01/13 06:31 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
WorriedPartner Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
I think it was a mistake to come here. So I apologise to anyone I have offended.

My partner and I were walking my the sea today, on the way back from meditation class and we spoke of why he left his relationship. I asked whether it would be beneficial for us to have time out so he could take time to uncover any unconscious drivers that made him leave, and that I was concerned I was making him worse - as per someone's response to me on a forum.

He said that he was running in his relationship. That being mothered and having periods of depression, anxiety, anger just mothered away, made it impossible for him to face anything. They tried therapy for their issues - but it didn't go anywhere as neither were willing to face fear/issues from their past. He felt he needed to leave in order to learn to care for himself, and step out that dynamic to be a good father. Maybe there is more he will uncover and maybe his road will lead back to her.

But who am I to throw him away on the worry this might happen. I love him, he is braver than anyone I have ever known. I will stand with him whilst he walks this lonely and terrifying path, as long as we continue to grow and share this bond. We have joint therapy too, we go to meditation and mindfulness classes to cultivate as much awareness as we can to help him and to work together as a team. When he is lucid our bond grows stronger. When he is triggered things are hellish. This is just the legacy of trauma and resultant DID. Not as you suggest our relationship on the brink. The strongest relationship would be seriously tested by the legacy of CSA.

For you to suggest I just leave I think shows a lack of compassion for him, I think because you are hurting - so all you see is my insult to you, rather than the wider picture. Which is understandable and I'm sorry your'e having this experience.

There is such deep compassion and lack of judgement among the men on this site. A true understanding of the unique journey taken by each person. I think as a community of male energy they are a true example of just how wonderful that brotherhood can be.

I think that is what drew me to post and to ask these difficult questions and check in with myself about where my partner and I are. I thought I might find the same kind of feedback as Candu gave to me. I didn't expect blessings. I am an adult, and feel a lot of conflicting emotions about where we are, that I am comfortable having reflected back to me and discussed. But I did not expect such harsh judgement and censure.

I would not presume to ever judge anyone else whose shoes I have not walked in. The world is not black and white. Each relationship and experience is unique.

I wish you all the best, especially you northerflicker. I hope you find some peace and have good support around you to help you.

Good luck to all for 2013 and again apologies for offence I have caused by coming here.


aksnowyowl - thanks for post. Was really good to read. Thanks for your thoughts. The grounding side, trying to keep a level of awareness is where we are at also. "if you keep yourself honest, well taken care of, and grounded, a time will come when you will know whether to stay or go, and when it does, you'll be at peace with that decision." This is brilliant thank yo. I wish you and your partner the best of everything. There are so many complicated facets to being together through this. Like you say yes red flags. But then also a level of stripped back honesty and experience that are so special. One day at a time isn't it.

Edited by WorriedPartner (01/01/13 06:49 PM)

#420607 - 01/01/13 07:14 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
aksnowyowl Offline

Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
i understand if you don't want to come back here. it's intense and it sounds like you've got supports going for you and your husband outside of this. but it occurs me to as i'm reading your post, this forum is for FRIENDS AND FAMILY, of which you are a part. this forum is for you.

friends and families are imperfect. full of flaws and pain and mistakes and problems. no one is here because life is great and perfect.

you have helped me by coming here because you have prompted me to think harder. i would like to see you post again. feel free to message me if you like.

#420611 - 01/01/13 07:59 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
This post has been removed, it is a personal attack. The author will be notified.

Edited by ModTeam (01/11/13 12:02 AM)
Edit Reason: Removed Post

#420613 - 01/01/13 08:21 PM Re: I think i have really messed up [Re: WorriedPartner]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
I didn't know anything about my H's past or CSA when we got together. I took who he was and what he told me about his life as truth. I never drilled him about his childhood or past relationships- I trusted him and didn't feel a reason to. Now that I know about his CSA I feel duped. If I knew about his CSA would I have gotten involved with him? Yes
But I also would have taken a different approach on other aspects of our life and been able to tune in better to our relationship dynamics.
I guess my point is that we don't know what we don't know.
You aren't responsible for his decisions. All you knew is what he presented. Now that you have more knowledge it does make the dynamics more difficult. I'm not one to tell you what to do with that information.
Friends and family is the forum for you. We all have dysfunction in our lives and even though there are different opinions and we may not like what other people say- we do have something to offer one another.

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