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#419983 - 12/24/12 05:00 AM Intimidated by Girlfriend's past **Trigger Alert**
JohnnyD! Offline

Registered: 12/24/12
Posts: 2
Loc: N.E.
Hi, New here but hope you can offer some insight. I was abused around 11/12 yo by a male. I started drinking soon after for 17 yrs alcoholically. I got sober 15 yrs ago and started dealing with abuse soon after. While drinking, I acted out sexually mostly with women, but with men also. I have been in a few long-term relationships drinking, and been married and divorced in sobriety which brought up a lot of abandonment stuff which I'm addressing in ACoA. I am pretty stable now, and in a good relationship with a smart, beautiful woman who is also in recovery from drugs & alcohol, and has no past CSA but has intimacy issues. My problem is, I know a little about her past and she was not super promiscuous, but single and sexually active for most of her 40+ yrs. I am so F'ing intimidated by her sexuality, the number of men she has possibly slept with, their 'size' and attractiveness, how she wants me to 'take control' in bed and a 3-some she had in college. It is owning me. I obsess on her past with visuals in my head. She says she has no regrets from the past, wasn't a whore, and that I give her more pleasure and she loves me more than anyone she has ever known. I am so insecure about all of that. Of not being enough. She claims she wasn't interested in sex which I interpret as she let them do their thing on her as her girlfriend-ly duty. I need sex to mean something to her and I feel I will never get that need met. I'm rambling now but would love to hear if anyone else feels this or even has moved past it. Thanks

Edited by JohnnyD! (12/24/12 05:09 AM)

#420003 - 12/24/12 12:44 PM Re: Intimidated by Girlfriend's past **Trigger Alert** [Re: JohnnyD!]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello Johnny and welcome to MaleSurvivor. I too had that issue, intimidated by the past of my wife of 24 years. I felt inadequate. I felt like I needed to satisfy her until she saw spots! I was wrong fellow survivor. In our case she wanted to find a friend, someone who would stick by her, would not leave her, that she could love and care for, who would love and care for her. Sex was fun for the most part. We both enjoyed it.

When I became discouraged in that I felt I disappointed her, she told me that sometimes she liked the feeling of sex without the need to complete the act. I thought she was trying to placate me. We began foreplay in the morning and then we would leave for work. I thought about sex all day and so did she. Sometimes we would finish what we started after work or in the evening, other times we would just giggle and continue foreplay. This was a time of personal maturing for me. As my confidence and parting of abuse control lessons grew, I was able to find satisfaction in the details of the act, not the results.

We survivors complicate our relationships dreading rejection, abandonment and destruction. Recovery helps us work through these internally to provide an inner hope. We affirm ourselves, we can actually tell ourselves we are doing well AND we believe it. Till then, keep posting, keep reaching out, keep healing Johnny.

You are doing your best and it IS enough.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#420009 - 12/24/12 02:57 PM Re: Intimidated by Girlfriend's past **Trigger Alert** [Re: JohnnyD!]
JohnnyD! Offline

Registered: 12/24/12
Posts: 2
Loc: N.E.
Thank You so much! I can hear stuff from her, therapist, friends, but none really understand the feeling."Just let it go" Doesn't cover it. Thanks for legitimizing me. I'll keep working.



#420011 - 12/24/12 03:13 PM Re: Intimidated by Girlfriend's past **Trigger Alert** [Re: JohnnyD!]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Johnny. You could be the world's biggest stud but if she didn't have an emotional connection to you then it wouldn't matter. There is a lot more to sex than just performance. She said she loves you. That actually does make you into the world's greatest lover for her. Don't worry about not being a great stud, be her greatest lover.

#420024 - 12/24/12 07:57 PM Re: Intimidated by Girlfriend's past **Trigger Alert** [Re: JohnnyD!]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Thoughtful answers, I echo what everyone said already. Our sexual image was distorted. I wish I could believe what Candu said, but intimacy is something I struggle with. I wish I knew the difference between love and sex, but I am just not there yet. Very honest post Johnny. Welcome to MS brother. I hope you find peace and support among our ranks. Heal well friend.

I am the warrior.


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