I have never disclosed my story to anyone for two reasons. One is the fear of being labeled a 'freak' and the other reason being that I still have deep feelings for my abuser.
Growing up, my family life was a mess. My mother packed up and moved us (her and me) out of state for a new beginning for herself. I was seven at the time and it was a traumatic experience. I started at a new school and I did not fit in very well. I got into lots of fights and was ostracized by my peers. It was suggested that my mom find a 'mentor' for me. She thought this was a brilliant idea because she could also get free babysitting too (we were poor).
She posted an ad for a male mentor on craigslist and in a strange irony, someone she knew from my school responded. 'Dan' worked part-time as a TA while 'trying to figure out' his life. I mention that because he seemed like the kind of person who could do more than being a TA.
Since we already knew Dan and I liked him, we started arranging 'play dates' with him. I loved those play dates. He would take me out to McDonald's after school, let me run around at the park, help me with my homework, play whatever game I wanted to play, etc. He even did these little affectionate things like tie my shoes or rub my head. Eventually my time with him increased from a few hours a week to almost part-time since mom had to work late. I remember th first time that things got weird. He was watching me until 11:00PM on a Saturday. After dinner, he told me that mom left instructions to give me a bath which I thought was strange because I usually bathed myself. He said that it was his job to make sure that I was cleaner than how mom left me. I thought 'okay'. We went into the bathroom and I let him undress me. I felt weird but like I shouldn't have. He helped me wash my hair and torso. He asked me to stand up and if he wash my butt and penis. I told him yes. He did but he also masturbated me. When he was done, he said that I could run around the house naked for five minutes while he cleaned up. He then took pictures of me.
I was unsure about it. He pretended to talk to mom on the phone and told her that he gave me a bath and he made sure to wash my dick. I didn't know at the time that he was faking it but I assumed it was okay if mom said so. This went on for a few more years.
His physical affection towards me increased to kissing on the mouth to patting my butt. He began to call me his 'lover' and 'love of his life.' I thought about telling him to stop but I liked the attention too much and I didn't want to lose him. I know he cared and loved me. My biggest fear was that he would find a new boy and dump me.
Whenever he stayed on a late night, he would come to bed with me and cuddle. I pretended to fall asleep and he would jack off on me (I was just wearing underwear). He would give me open mouth kisses. I didn't know what he was doing. I had always assumed that this was normal.
He started to pull away from me when he found a full-time job and eventually he stopped seeing me. I was 11. I was heart-broken but relieved. It took me awhile to figure out that what he did was not normal. I was 13 when I disclosed what happened to a friend of mine but said that it was another friend who told me. The next week, I had classmates calling me a pedophile and a faggot. That was very painful. My mom was in her own little world and ineffective. I had no real support.
I felt worthless and like a POS. There was no point between 13 and now (31) where I felt differently. I went through periods of drug use, anorexia, bulimia and self-mutilation. The experience of being called a pedophile and faggot by my peers stopped me from ever considering going to the police or anyone else. I didn't trust them.
I decided to focus my energies on being successful. I always wanted to work in government. I did this part-time throughout college. I never got anything passed part-time though. Everything hit the fan seven months ago when I attempted suicide. I did not have friends, family support, a career, money or anything worth waking up for. However, I worked with a lot of people my age who were in the same situation. All we had was hope that things would get better for us because of the recession. That commonality was the first time in years since I felt an actual connection with people.
All of a sudden, my coworkers started getting promotions, huge pay raises and/or real professional jobs. It seemed like they had put no effort in it; it just happened. Those who got pay raises did not get them because of their work performance but because of a union fluke. Those who got promotions got lucky by being interviewed by the right people. This devastated me because I was putting forth more effort to move than they were.
I had asked my boss what my odds were of moving up and he told me pretty good and that I should have gone after some positions in the past. Sometime later, I was called in to interview for a position that was perfect for me. I had to work hard just to get the interview. It was a panel interview with my boss. I nailed every question but I did not get the job. I felt devastated. My boss had lied to me because he never thought that I would make it to the panel interview. He didn't want me leaving my dead-end part-time gig because he'd have to find a replacement which would be hard to do. He miscalculated that I would take whatever was given to me. My boss reminded me of 'Dan.'
I attempted suicide by taking a bunch of muscle relaxers and booze. I later found out that muscle relaxers aren't an effective way of killing yourself. Had I used the vicodin in my drawer then I would be dead. During that time, I was seeing a psychologist. I'm not too sure how much it's been helping though. I ended up filing a worker's comp suit against my city and have been off of work for six months. I have found no meaning or solace in my life. No redemption. All I get is this bullshit 'everything will work out' or 'you'll be okay.' No one knows that. It makes me wonder if I deserved to be victimized. Maybe I should have let Dan fuck me because that's all I am good for. My life is a glass ceiling and I am left with two options- implode or continue to be a victim.
I find myself going back to being that little boy and finding comfort with Dan. I know he loved me. I know if it were up to him, he would make my life work out. I can't say that for anyone else in my life.
Edited by ModTeam (12/23/12 01:25 PM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning for specific sexual abuse descriptions