I decided that I needed to ring him now or I would either chicken out or forget the game plan.
After I had gotten the cows up for milking I left my wife to milk by herself (as usual - it only takes one of us). I went up to the house to get a drink and it was empty (the kids were playing outside) so I grapped the phone and locked my self in my room. I quickly wrote out some notes on a piece of paper so I didn't forget the plan. It was kind of impulsive.
It rang for ages...I thought I'mnot leaving a message...then he answered. Crap!!!!
He sounded surpised to hear from me - fair enough - I NEVER call him.
He said he had just got home and started telling me about his day when he was finished that story there was a pregnant pause.........
I said "the reason I rang up is I was just wondering if I could come and visit you in the next couple of weeks. [insert wife's name here]'s mum is coming up that way and I thought I would come with for the drive and see you while I'm there.
He said "Yeah that would be great....are you bring the kids with you"
I said "acually I have an alterior motive - I've been in counselling for a few months and I would like to talk to you about what happened between us when I was little."
He said "Oh....I see .... anything I can do to make up for what I did. I understand how awkward it is to talk about this stuff. Did your cousellor suggest it?"
I said "No I just thought it could be healing for us both to talk about the elephant in the room rather than just pretending it isn't there. I just want you to know that I'm not angry about it anymore. I just need some answers about what happened."
He said " sure what ever you think will help"
I said "I would also like to know what happened to you growing up"
He said "It is really hard to talk about but if you think it will help"
I said " I also want to tell you about the other stuff tht happened to me. What happened with you was just the start and stuff also happened with [insert other brother] too.
I asked him if he had been in counselling for it and he said he had for other stuff (abandonment issues etc) and thatthey had touched on it but nothing specifically targeted at the abuse. He said that he told his second wife about what he had done and she had been abused her self and from then on she put him in the same boat as her father. It was not why they divorced but it didn't help. He said that one of his T's had said that 'these things are only as bad as you make them'. If you think they are bad they will affect you in a bad way (.....Hmmmm)
He said that he just didn't think what he was doing was wrong. He thought it would be fun. At least it wsn't like when an adult feels bad about what they are doing and then force the kid to do it......(again Hmmmmm)
We set a date in the first week in January (when he doesn't have custody of his 15 year old son)
He said he was glad I said that I wasn't angry or he would have been stressing out about it....thinking I was going to give him a summons or something....(he said he already had that?????)
He did say that what he did was bad and must have messed me up. We talked about some other stuff (can't really remember right now - too happy)
I am willing to accept that he will have a different 'take' on the situation and down play his responsiblilty. That changes nothing I will still be making it clear the rammifications of his actions.
At the moment I am over the moon. I had set myself up for his refusal to talk about it and even deny it happened. I am confident that there will be a positive outcome from this....of some sort.
Thank you all for walking with me on this journey.
Damn...I was so excited about telling you about the good news that I forgot what happened next.
My wife starts banging on the window of our bedroom screeming at me. "What are you doing???" I hung up and said "I have just been talking to my brother"
"Why do you have to do that now" she said "you should be doing everything that has to be done right now". This comment was so ridiculous because I only had about 1 hour of work to do and 3 hours left of daylight. It was so not an issue. I got my boots on and asked her what she wanted me to do..."the usual". I said "Do you think you could at least TRY to be supportive". She said "You have not done ANY work around here for 2 weeks (so not true by the way). Meanwhile I am stressing out"
She said something else right here that was so bad I can't even remember it. I just remember being so mad that I needed to turn around and walk away before I did something I would regret.
I did all my jobs while her and the kids rode the new pony. Then I joined in and helped clean up the yard. Everything was back to normal. She seemed happy again....Women ....I will NEVER understand them.