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#419127 - 12/14/12 06:01 PM I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers***
Windblade Offline

Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 2

I lurked here for a couple of days before I decided to join. Some of what I've read is so sad and horrifying that it makes me wonder if I really belong here. The reason is because almost all of the sexual contact that I had as a boy/teen was kind of my choice. I'll try to be as succinct as possible here.

There are only two incidents which stand out in my mind that I feel comfortable calling abuse. The first is when I was fellated as a 9 year old several times when my adult male friend thought that I was asleep. I remember being scared and confused as I didn't understand what he was doing to me or why he was doing it. I was very naive about all things sex. Prior to that he made up games which involved our penises. I don't think that was abuse because I choose to participate.

The other incident that I consider abuse is when I was kind of raped when I was in a Boys' Home shortly after I turned 16. I had stupidly agreed to try anal sex with a man that used to fondle me as he measured me for clothes. I agreed to let him try it on me. I'm really ashamed to admit that I agreed to do it for money. Almost as soon as it started, I asked him to stop. He didn't and told me that I wanted it because I had an erection. I remembering it hurting really bad and I was crying and screaming, begging him to stop. After he was done, he told me that I liked it because I ejaculated. I didn't mean to. I tried not to. My body betrayed me.

I was so ashamed and felt so dirty. I took many baths and showers but I couldn't shake that dirty feeling. He told me that it was my fault for wanting to try it and that he couldn't stop once he started. I ended up in the hospital for several days after this incident. The doctors suspected that I was assaulted but I wouldn't tell them anything. I was very ashamed and felt so dirty - nobody could know. I didn't want the other boys to know that I had agreed to try anal sex either so I never told anybody about it. The man never even paid me. I tried to avoid him as much as possible for the rest of the time that I was there even though I was so angry at him that I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.

It was partially my fault though. I shouldn't have ever put myself in the position to have that happen. I was stupid and I've paid for it over and over again in my mind.

For some reason, I thought about that incident a couple of weeks ago and it really bothered me. I hadn't thought about it in many years. I thought that it was behind me. What really bothered me is that I ejaculated when he raped me. I must have enjoyed it on some level, but I sure as hell wish it never happened. God, I was so stupid to get myself into that position.

Starting from when I was 8, I went looking for surrogate fathers because my own hated me and told me that he wished I had never been born. My home life was filled with mental, emotional, and physical abuse as my parents were alcoholics and drug users and they also neglected their children. I remember eating out of trash cans as a kid and wishing that I was in a family where I was loved by my father.

The first surrogate father was so good to me that I went looking for others. Many of those relationships ended up having a sexual component to them. After the 1st described above, I complied with most of the things that I was asked to do or have done to me. See, I could have said no. I chose not to, mostly because either I didn't want to lose the friendship of the men or I felt that I owed them for all the good things that they did for me. Often I was numb or just not there when those things occurred. I learned to expect it and that was the price that I was willing to pay for their friendship. I'm embarrassed to admit that I enjoyed some of it, really embarrassed and ashamed especially after reading stories here where I've found that most did NOT enjoy any of the things that were done to them or what they did to others.

I also started "posing" nude, some pornographic when I was 12. Later, the same people that I allowed to photograph me started to film me, mostly with other boys, though there were some filmed with men. Some were actually published in legal boy porn magazines. I know that it sounds stupid, but I was actually proud to be in a magazine the first time. It made me feel special and happy because somebody thought that I was good enough to be in one. I was also kind of pimped out to men by these people. I didn't have to do it; I could have said no. I chose to. I didn't really enjoy doing anything with the men, but I chose to do it and don't know if I consider it abuse. I suspect that the stuff bothered me on some level as I started bed wetting when I was 13 and it continued until I was 17. It stopped after I stopped doing sexual stuff with men. Doing those things made my men friends happy and I wanted to please them. I also needed them. I really needed the hugs and cuddling that I got from them. I needed to have an adult male listen to me and talk to me. I needed so much from them.

Why am I here? I'm not sure, but lately a lot of my past has started to preoccupy my thoughts at times. I haven't thought about that stuff for 20 years. I've also had nightmares about some of the stuff. I think that my trust issues may stem from my past, though I'm not sure. I've also started to have flashbacks to things that I've long buried. Some I wonder if they happened at all or if my mind made them up.

I suppose that I should mention that I have attempted suicide several times in my life, starting with my first attempt at 16. I've been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility 4 times, twice as a juvenile and twice as an adult. The last time was around 20 years ago. I only talked about the stuff I did with men as a juvenile while in the psychiatric hospital. That was a mistake on some levels. It resulted in horrible police interrogations and my being put into the Boys' Home where I was kind of raped. I could not talk about it as an adult - too ashamed and embarrassed. I've talked about a limited amount of the stuff as an adult with only two people as an adult, other than therapists. I have blogged a little about my experiences though. That has helped me as I don't feel like I have to keep all those secrets from years ago any more. When I write about things, sometimes it makes me feel like I've been set free. Other times, it makes me anxious and depressed for a while.

It was a therapist that first put into my head that most of what I did as a child and teen was abuse. I'm still not sure because I agreed to do the stuff or was complacent with it. This made him angry. He tells me that I am stubborn in my belief that I refuse to call it abuse because I chose to do it or didn't complain about it. I feel like he is trying to make me believe something just because he believes it.

Sorry for the long winded intro, but I feel it necessary in order for others to see where I'm coming from. I still don't know where I'm headed, but I hope that I end up happier and less confused about my conflicted feelings towards my past.

#419129 - 12/14/12 06:31 PM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Reads like you were groomed and manipulated. Others here at Malesurvivor with exact histories will see your intro and surely give dead on peer support.
I wonder why your therapist got unsettled..kinda' leads me to think he may not have experience with male survivors. You bring some heavy stuff to the table and effective mental health professionals will shield their emotions.
I believe it was high level abuse and a sex crime.
Grown men know it is a crime. A child can't give consent.
I think thats the law.

Anyway, hang in and hold I mentioned your not alone.
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

#419134 - 12/14/12 07:34 PM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
TwoSpiritRising Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 32
*Trigger warning*

Very insightful. I think I can relate to some of that, but the memories haven't fully been rediscovered. I can relate to liking things that aren't good for you, and feeling ashamed of that. I think it is probably pretty normal to ejaculate from your prostate when being raped. I hope you don't have to feel ashamed of it to know that it was rape and that you survived it.

I'm very sorry that someone violated your kind soul.

Thanks for the share!


#419155 - 12/15/12 01:19 AM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear Windblade,

This was NOT your fault.

Boys do NOT choose to have sex, pose for porn, or get pimped out. You did not have the ability to give consent as an adult would. You were looking for love and attention, and your abusers instead used you selfishly. They did NOT have your best interests in mind.

You were groomed, coerced, and used as a sex toy by adults who should have been taking care of you, instead of satisfying their own sick desires.

Just because you had an erection or ejaculated, it does NOT mean that you enjoyed or wanted it. You body responded to stimulation as it was made to. Thats all.

Just because you didn't say no, or fight against it, DOESN'T mean that you wanted or it or agreed to it. It does NOT mean that you liked it or that it was allright. You were a kid. You trusted adults to do whats right. They betrayed you.

You need to see all this as sexual abuse which you were NOT responsible for, DIDN'T agree to and was very damaging to you. Trust your therapist. He/she is trying to help you confront your past. Not a pleasant task, but one that has to be done for you to have a whole healthy life. Please do it for your own sake.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#419156 - 12/15/12 01:25 AM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

We have a lot in common. I belong here - I know that. And if I do you!!! I won't go into it all hear..but

My was emotionally and verbally abused by my parents growing up. My dad gave me no attention.

When other older boys and men did I enjoyed it. Being used sexually by them became my normal. I came to think that that is just the way it is and if I wanted attantion that is how they gave it to me. I was abused by 7 perps from the age of 4 - 18.

I have struggled to see what I experienced as abuse - because I liked it. I wanted the attention. But I have finally accepted it all.

The fact is any sexual behaviour between an adult and a child is abuse. It isn't appropriate because the child is not mature enough to truly give consent. They violated your trust.

It happened to you and it wasn't your fault!!!!

This is a good place to find healing. Stick around. I am glad to have 'met' you

More than meets the eye!

#419166 - 12/15/12 05:54 AM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
BuffaloCO Offline

Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 490
Welcome Windblade,

You have every right to be here. Parts of your story are just like mine, and I have learned this much since I came here and started working with a counselor. No abuse is ever the child's fault...even if they think they wanted it. The adult is the one with reason, and the adult is the one responsible for taking advantage of a kid, because a kid does not have the ability to reason like an adult or make choices based on that like an adult. My perps...5 by the time I was 10, convinced me they were filling my need for affection because at home I got physical and verbal abuse. They lied and tricked me, not hard to trick a little kid, for their own purposes. They did not do it for me, they did it to me.

I am very glad you found this site. It's awesome, in that I mean so many people here really care about each other and they get me. Because of being here and in starting with a counselor, I am so much better now and I've only been here since July (2012). Yeah, I have work to do but I am making progress. Please know you were never, ever, defined by abuse or what the perps may have told you. You were not created to have your childhood hurt in that way, and it was NEVER your fault, no matter how your body reacted. When they told you that, they lied to get around their own guilt.

I hope you find healing here like I am finding, and know that we care about you. Welcome brother! Freedom is coming. I know that is true for me and it can be for you too.
�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

#419190 - 12/15/12 03:13 PM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Windblade, ask yourself one question. Would you today do the things that have been done to you to a young boy? If your answer is no then how can you not believe it was abuse?

Just because you accepted and agreed to much of it does not change the fact that it was wrong. You were not mature enough to make those decisions.

#419197 - 12/15/12 05:59 PM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Candu]
Windblade Offline

Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 2
Originally Posted By: Candu
Windblade, ask yourself one question. Would you today do the things that have been done to you to a young boy? If your answer is no then how can you not believe it was abuse?

Just because you accepted and agreed to much of it does not change the fact that it was wrong. You were not mature enough to make those decisions.

Wow, that is a good question. I would NOT do the things that were done to me to any child or teen. I need to think about it. Why do I believe that I could consent, but that an average child on the street cannot? Thanks.

#419205 - 12/15/12 08:49 PM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Be gentle with yourself - dealing with abuse can be difficult and painful at times as we sort out our lives and what happened to us and our feelings from then and today.

The best advice I received was from author and T Mic Hunter who helped me deal with stuff in my life Today-as it may relate to the abuse - instead of diving headfirst into the pool of abuse memories and experiences.

I'm sorry for the tough things you have been thru- I hope you can be gentle and healing to yourself on this path of recovery. Another hope is that you can shed the shame and feelings of being dirty and leave them with those who forced them on you and reclaim healthy intimacy and trust in yourself.

Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/15/12 08:51 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#419315 - 12/17/12 04:01 AM Re: I'm not sure that I belong here. ***Triggers*** [Re: Windblade]
seikei Offline

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
I second the sentiments of the other posters Windblade. I had a experience where I seemingly enjoyed the abuse mostly because my abusers were giving me attention I wasn't getting anywhere else. But now I realize that they were only using me for their own selfish reasons. I don't think you should guilty. Like my T said, experiencing pleasure just means the plumbing works right, nothing more.

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