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#419192 - 12/15/12 10:53 AM Telling my parents - NOW!
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
This is it, we are driving over. Have to do this to have a normal relationship with them, I just hope it doesn't rule one out instead, but now that it's "real" actively keeping the secret is killing me around them. They are in early 60s, 3 grandparents made past 90, we could still be close for decades, I can't keep it up any longer. Butterflies in stomach, more like pterodactyls in stomach.

The sound you are all about to hear will be my mother's heart breaking frown

As Eminem said -
I'm sorry momma
I never meant to hurt you
I didn't mean to make you cry
But tonight I'm cleaning out my closet


26 years. Fuck you, 26 years. Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU!!!
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419194 - 12/15/12 11:09 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1199
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Good for you!

I finally told my father 2 years ago, he was 83. It helped him understand my isolation over the years, and addict behaviors in my youth (drugs/alcohol/risky seks) and suicidal thoughts (I also told him of the attempt at 14). It always go back (in my heart) of WHY did you leave me when I was 10? And with that "woman" I called mother?

I don't regret telling him, as now his health/mind is deteriorating. It would be very difficult to tell him now. I wouldn't. My only fear is that with his mental condition he may slip some day and spill the beans to my wife. Including my 3 years in the g.ay life, and seks addiction struggles. Oh well, can't control that. But it is a danger it will get back to her the more people that know.

Jim
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#419202 - 12/15/12 02:50 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1055
Soccer,

We're proud of you. It's an important step for your healing journey. We are with you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#419203 - 12/15/12 02:52 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Good for you Matt. I can't wait to hear about it even though it will make me cry.

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#419204 - 12/15/12 03:43 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Matt

You are NOT alone. I'm with you brother...we all are.

I understand your fear about you mum. She WILL get over it eventually.

smile I've got butterflies too.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#419217 - 12/15/12 06:48 PM * [Re: SoccerStar]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:22 PM)

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#419222 - 12/15/12 08:27 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1110
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/19/16 11:48 AM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#419264 - 12/16/12 07:08 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1199
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
How did it go?
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#419287 - 12/16/12 05:57 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Hi guys! So, how was everyone else's Saturday? smile

As the saying goes - "NAILED IT!!!" smile smile smile smile smile smile

Upon arrival my parents were obviously upset over the school shooting. I had prepped for this - told them there were babies born today, weddings, birthday parties, etc. Life had to go on for the sake of the living. And then I up and said I'd come under false pretenses - and we needed to talk. Quickly appended that I was fine and everything was fine, but we had to talk.

And I told them.

Started by saying something had used to not bother me, but it bothered me now, I'm dealing with it, and as part of that I had to tell them. I reminded them of how growing up they always said there was nothing I could do or say that would change how they saw me or loved me, that I was keeing that in my mind and so should they.

They nodded. Visibly bracing.

Deep breath.

"When I was 8 years old I was sexually assaulted by a playground monitor / substitute teacher at my grade school, inside the school. It only happened once but it was ugly enough while it lasted. Now that obviously leads into "why I never told you" and "why I'm telling now," but I know first you might have questions. I've been practicing with my therapist for 3 weeks, I'm okay answering any questions you might want. Physically I can rule certain things in or out, if you want to know. So..."

And on it went. Disassociated visual external memories, not understanding for 4 years, not feeling anything about it, no damage, not wanting to be treated different, not wanting to dredge up all the pain and shock and shame that I saw from all of them when my sister's boyfriend was arrested for raping those boys, and not wanting to be categorized as bad-off as those boys, the tragic whispered stories of damaged goods and vampires. Always knowing I COULD go to them when actually upset, citing cases for each of them: bullies, girls, grades, a mugging. Then - a horrible 2012, unwithstandsble stresses and shocks, plummeting, re-associating and flashbacking, and treatment.

They took it better than I could ever, ever have hoped.

Mom, a doctor, knew all about disassociation. She looked sad but kept it together and did not cry.

Dad, for 35 years a dean in an inner city school, immediately knew what to say to the reporting child, the bruised and frightened child. He seriously did not even pause. "The most important thing is what you're doing right now. It's like a boil, you have to drain the pus out."

Mom: "I'm upset we weren't able to protect you. We never noticed anything different about you."

I told them how GOOD that made me feel - was really really worried they would have said "aha, you became such a weirdo at suchedy-such age, this is why, isn't it?"

Me: "Parents don't say 'do X and this will never happen.'. They can't prevent it. They say 'IF IT DOES HAPPEN, do X'."

Dad: "So what are your next steps? Where does this lead, treatment-wise?"

And I explained my 3 goals:
-Compartmentalizing the CSA so that it was something I lived past, not a daily burden
-Restoring a state where I could sleep without pills
-And most important - making sure my good close relationship with my parents didn't change, that I could relax around them and not feel like I was keeping a secret for all the decades we hopefully would still have together.

Dad said "Let's test that out," and told some more of his same lame jokes. And we all laughed. And I ad-libbed along and we laughed too.

Then I got long, very strong hugs from both of them, how proud they were of me and how "you didn't turn out so bad" [while grinning] Which was nice smile

Oh yeah - the perp. They asked and I told them all of his tracked down details. My folks started out almost bemused, but when I got to the part where he's still alive, my dad got real angry. Scary angry, murder angry. I swore them both to not do anything, because now the letter of the law is on his side and not ours and it's not worth any risk.

They didn't ask a single question about the incident itself, though I said I'd answer. I described it as "sexual assault", an "attack," and the guy as a "child rapist." They didn't want any more.

We all hugged, we talked, there were casual jokes..... they were totally accepting, encouraging, emotionally stable, and normal. I told them there was no need for anyone else to know, but if they needed parent coping help they had my permission to tell the parents of my former friend, the one my sister's boyfriend raped and everybody knows. They flatly refused - so I said "Ok, that makes it nobody then." Implicitly, including my sister. They agreed.

And.... then we talked about normal stuff. My mom and wife went makeup shopping; wife texted me to say how well I'd dine and how proud she was of me. Dad took me to a bookstore. Slight touchy moment: I had to say I was so distracted and overwhelmed that I couldn't drive, no biggie, Dad drove.

With he and I alone, I said: "Please don't be offended by me asking when I think I know the answer, but - man to man, knowing a bunch of that stuff got done to me, do you see me any differently as a man?"

Zero hesitation: "No, not in the least. Things like this have no effect on that. And you can ask me any question you want that helps you feel better, anything you need asked."

Later, I pulled Mom aside and reminded her of that "innocent victim" comment from the food poisoning incident. She said she had seen me start to cry at that and had wondered. I told her about this place. Told her how many guys had praised her as a parent. Then it was her turn to cry.


I was.... delirious. Floating. Unreal. Couldn't believe it had happened, that I'd done it, that there had been no stuttering, no drama, no tears - that it really WAS as it had always been. That it wasn't a secret, that I had achieved my goal. That it was okay. That they hadn't cried or died inside, hadn't excessively blamed themselves. Were still proud of me. I was dazed and almost blissful the rest of the day. It felt that good. I told someone here via PM that if anything could convince me to believe in God, it would be the way I'd felt then. And I have kids already.

Later that night, with a few drinks in her, Mom got choked up and told me of a childhood friend who'd been raped. She said she couldn't believe she couldn't protect me, that she hadn't seen signs, and now she was so worried about her grandkids, especially the 9-year-old who might start sleepaway camp next year. I actually have something of a warning / defense / ironclad escape excuse strategy for that now and shared it with her. I'm fairly confident it would work. She is still scared but is taking the plan seriously.

I spoke to Dad again: "Mom is NOT to blame herself for this and neither are you!"
He blinked. "Blame herself for what?"
"This!! Go talk some sense into her please." He said he would.


We hugged goodnight again and left. I was so happy and relieved when I got home and got in bed I was actually hugging myself. So glad I did it and so glad it worked.


And if that all sounds too good to be true, I'm afraid it is, because it's nit the end. For the next ~18 hours my wife and I had such a destructive detonation that it at least briefly ruined the whole thing. It ENDED UP FINE, and the whole thing was undoubtedly worthwhile and hugely healing. I'll post more about what shit she pulled and what it did to me and how we got past it - a little later.


Matt






Edited by SoccerStar (12/16/12 06:00 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419289 - 12/16/12 06:09 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1110
Loc: SE USA
I know that was difficult for you. I'm glad you made it over the hurdle. I'm planning to cross the Rubicon and do the same with my parents in a month or so. Thanks for sharing.

Will
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#419292 - 12/16/12 06:52 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Well I didn't cry (too much). Glad it went so well.

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#419293 - 12/16/12 06:52 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Matt

I have to say I am inspired to tell my parents....again. Plus the rest of the story.

Man - talk about ups and downs...you must be dizzy.

I 'love' your parents. smile

You are so lucky.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#419317 - 12/16/12 11:23 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:27 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#419343 - 12/17/12 04:49 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Thanks guys, I'm so glad my story could give ppl a little hope / encouragement. It still feels unreal.

I feel almost bad doing this but I have to get this out. This is how my wife just about destroyed all of this and much worse. Ended up ok I guess. You all will have had longer to enjoy my story "clean" than I did. frown


My wife had supported me telling my folks but in the lead-up had slso called the plan (a cover story and the need for a babysitter) "weird" and "bizarre". It was also this huge thing everyone else had to "accommodate" (funny, whenever anyone else needs sonething the Earth just magically turns into position for them to get it, but only I need to be accommodated). She had also tried to persuade me to push this meeting back - by weeks, to like 12/28 - but I refused, I had to re-normalize my relations with my parents and the waiting was killing me as-is. Just finding an empty day, no friend or family or kid parties or whatever, was near impossible, and it MUST MUST MUST MUST be done in 2012, the worst year of my life, so I could start a better year with maximum hope.

On the drive over to my parents that Saturday morning she was nonstop quizzing me and telling me what to do, i had to remind her i'd been practicing with an expert for weeks snd knew what to do, and to please (and I did say "please") stop saying I might be doing it "wrong." Later on the drive home she was WAY over the top in quizzing me on specific forensic details. "Did he JUST feel all the way up and inside your asscrack or did his fingers actually go up your ass? Did he watch you to make sure you didnt spit? Did he talk to you while you cried?" It was unprecedented but just from reflex I actually answerd her. I hate hate hate hate tslking about it with her AT ALL, let alone the show-us-on-the-doll stuff, but I answered. Eventually she caught herself, said "I'm sorry for intertogating you."

That night, Saturday night, was still basking and beaming and hugging myself, so proud. We were just chilling out each doing our own thing and suddenly out of the pure quiet my wife announces "why did you just do that weird thing right now?" I'd been sitting still quietly and had no idea so asked her to explain and she wouldn't detail, I was just "bring weird."

She asked if I was going to post the story here. She HATES this site and I'm sorry but she is creeped out by all of you and that I talk to you. Started quizzing me - do I PM people? Do I ever call any of you? I know I must never have "someone like that" over as s guest in our house, right, right? In her mind and words I am not like you, what I got was so minor, it's like you get 2 weeks of PT after twisting your ankle and then it's all gone. In early November while we were refugees from Hurricane Sandy and sleeping on floors she found my pills, demanded an explanation... I've told the story here, it's in Traveler's thread "I didn't ask for this." I figured I owed her the truth but was so in shock I could not speak, I let her read my intro post here, then just nodded yes or no to her questions. I'd seriously asked her to give me this place "privately" for therapeutic purposes and she said she would. Then she didn't, she remembered my screen name and searched all my posts and found my "HEARTBROKEN" thread all about being bi or straight-with-SSA. That led to a very ticklish conversation as you can imagine, luckily I also wrote I'd never actually hooked up with a guy. She understood the feelings, she accepted it, she was or seemed okay. And after that she really seriously swore she would never look again.

[Funny story: the night after we'd had that talk, that was late Nov, she was trying on some real tight leather pants and looked really hot, and I said I loved seeing her in those. She said "But are you looking for a dick in them?" Shocked yes, but I was already feeling playful enough to look past it, so I got right up to her real quick and pulled the top of her leather pants down and shoved my hard-on in right down between her asscheeks and then pulled her pants back up around her ass and my dick as best I could. "Yeah, I like seeing a dick in there like that!" And we both laughed and I more or less shoved her onto the bed and just promptly good and proper fucked her senseless right then and there, it was kinda awesome actually wink ]

BACK TO SATURDAY NIGHT:
So, more guilting me for posting here. That I was hiding things from her. That I had brought secrets and lies into our marriage and she couldn't trust me, that I hadn't told her - the same shit from Traveler's thread. I kept explaining that it's therapeutic and it's not right for all of that to go there. Which led to demanding to know more of what I say with my T as well (have fought over that before), and how would I feel if she kept any secrets from me? I pointed out she does, she has a weight management group that I never ask about, and she said she'd tell me any of that, and I say I never ask because it's her privacy.

She said she feels so alone in this and wanted to be able to talk to a girlfriend about it. I *FORBADE HER* telling any friends - but like 3 weeks earlier upon similar complaint I allowed her to tell her parents, yes that's right, her parents knew before mine, and I worried every day they'd give it away before I had the chance to tell my story after 26 years. I reminded her she had her parents to talk to and she said it wasn't enough. She said I had s whole support structure that she didn't. By this point I was really mad but doing my best to stay calm even as she was pissing all over my Truth and Freedom Party but I managed to control my voice when I said I'd gladly give up my entire support structure if it could mean the whole thing would never have happened, and that, by the way, it's not the happiest time of my life crying in a therapists office or comparing rape stories with other guys who also try to keep their shit together for their families. But that she should be happy I was getting help when I needed it.

She was mad I hadn't told her. She was mad I didn't have an elaborate truth-telling plan for her but did for my parents. I reminded her that when she'd found out it was like 3 weeks after I had really accepted it was really real and had my first flashbacks and I could barely handle it myself, that the day I utterly broke and had my emergency and called the emergency number on my healthcare card and was in a psychiatrists office that day (Oct 24), that when I first told the psychiatrist and first said it out loud to any person I FAINTED DEAD AWAY ON THE FLOOR [note: this is not how I depicted the story in my first posts here, I am sorry. When I started here I thought there was some rule you had to be in therapy already or you'd be banned. Some might remember I initially signed my posts under a different name. I'm sure you guys understand being fucked up and terrified and not even the Internet being anonymous enough at first]

ANYWAY. I had already gone over those issues with her in a SIX PAGE EMAIL, and she said not to worry about it, it was okay, she wouldn't complain anymore. I asked her if now her anger made that a lie and a secret on her part. She dodged and kept hitting me - secrets, lies, trust, secrets, lies, trust, and I had been steadily crying more and more for several minutes but still talking, and I was apologizing, I was sorry I'd hurt her, sorry for secrets, I was SORRY FOR SECRETS (!!!!!!), and sorry I'd hurt her, and -

And after like 6 rounds of that I turned into something and had something happen and I don't even know what it was, it went from "I'm sorry I hurt you" and suddenly I was SHRIEKING and screaming it out that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HURT, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS HURT, HE HURT ME, HE RAPED ME, I DID WHAT HE ASKED AND HE STILL HURT ME, over and over shrieking it, minutes, crying impossibly hard, losing everything, I guess it was a hysteria fit or something, and then she was holding me and kissing me, she was sorry, she "didn't mean to add salt to the wound" and hoped it hadn't spoiled the day, and that we shouldn't "fight."

I calmed down, we talked about nothing, we held each other, we even laughed. She pumped her breastmilk and I went to clean the bottles. Downstairs I saw myself in the mirror, a clammy corpse with no color except around the eyes. I felt like a beaten wife having to wash the dishes after. The day was RUINED, I'd lost everything I'd worked for and all of the good feelings, could barely even remember what had happened past the sound of my own screams a minute earlier - and that had been the biggest "concrete" goal of my entire therapy so far!!!

I felt like she had been unfaithful to me. "Unfaithful" doesn't have to be sex, it means abandoning, betraying, hurting the weak spots.

And the thought kept going through my head:
Suicide... or, murder-suicide???

I stormed upstairs and said I was really angry and hurt, that all my prep had been for nothing, that 3 weeks practice and worry and nervousness was all ruined, and what the hell was wrong with her?!?!? She said she was sorry, that "the conversation got away from her." I told her I was hurt real bad, she said she was sorry. I told her I had to have whatever therapeutic resources I needed and that was final, and she said okay, and that no matter what I still ought to see Saturday as a victory. I really debated sleeping on the couch just to drive home how fucked up that had been but figured things had escalated bad enough, no need to make it even worse.

Turned on SNL just in time for the choir singing "Sleep In Heavenly Peace" for all the murdered children, that destroyed whatever was left of me. I took my sleeping pill gratefully, for the first time.

Sunday morning, the very first thing I said to her was how angry I was at her and that she'd really hurt me the night before. She said she had a right to feel how she feels and -

And nothing, I cut her off: "YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED!" I was a teacher for 9 years, a tour guide, an event emcee and occasional voice actor, I can activate The Voice Of God when I really need to and I fucking well did, the room echoed, she meekly agreed she should have waited and was sorry but I should still see Saturday as a great victory.

We spent the morning at some ridiculous party of her giant family, like birthday 24 for cousin 19 or vice-versa. I hated everybody and everything and didn't day 3 syllables. I couldn't believe the hell I was in and all I'd lost.

I locked myself in the bathroom, needed help. But who to call? Do I cry to my parents? I actually called the main MS number - no, there are no crisis services here (btw, why is the MS voicemail message a woman? Weird, right?). I debated asking someone I'd PMed if I could call, but how long would that take? I called my T, on a Sunday she wasn't there, left her a desperate message, aimed at nothing I guess.

Leaving, my wife said people had commented on my bad mood and "it isn't still because of last night is it?" And I say "What if it is?" She asks me to explain.

My head spun - I thought I'd made it clear enough for a month! But ok, fine, as dad said, lance the wound and drain the pus. So I said:

"This was my ONLY CHANCE of being in control of my story and getting any kind of rewarding response from it. I didn't have the chance to have a plan put together to tell you, you found out the wrong way. I don't want to tell my sister or my in -person friends. I can't do anything to the perp, in the eyes of the law he became innocent when I turned 23. This was the one and only thing left I could have done to control and own my story before another person who knew me that well - PLUS the fact that I'd at least been *thinking* of telling my parents for 26 years and I only had one chance at it and now it was ruined. That I was cheated. I was cheated. This was the only little thing I could ever get but it was also my most solid and achievable therapeutic goal for myself and I'd been cheated the chance of any benefit from it."


And she said I was right. She apologized abjectly. She was so sorry, she knew she had been "mean and nasty" to me and hadn't meant any of it, that she lost control of her emotions and the conversation, that she was so sorry, and also that she'd been so proud of me Saturday, prouder than ever, and I'd always be the same man to her and I should please remember the victory I'd had because it had still happened.

That helped.

She apparently hadn't gotten the full symbolism and really thought it was more a matter of getting a secret out than of getting anything good in. I really thought I had made that clear, but in retrospect I probably hadn't used that exact phrasing or made it clear.

I dealt with it, I was okay. She said what I needed to hear, and I remembered all the good gains from Saturday. She has a longstanding "thing" about talking "nasty" - she is aware of it and feels bad about it, she knows she is too much like her nasty-mouthed girlfriends and months ago when I really confronted her over it she made a tremendous improvement for my / our sake and has actually stuck with it. But what a fucking time to relapse!

Anyway. That was Sunday. Not much else more intense or volatile could possibly happen pertaining my story than already did this Monday, Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday, and if anything else does happen, fuck it, I'll get in the car and drive to the perp's house and see just how much of the joyous emotional rollercoaster I can share with a 92-year-old man, to thank him right and good for all the excitement.


Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (12/17/12 07:48 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419345 - 12/17/12 05:12 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3956
Loc: settling in the USA again
oh, man!

glad it went so well with the parents.

sorry it was so bad with the wife.

you still did good - on handling both - at least in the end - from where i stand.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#419351 - 12/17/12 07:54 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:27 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#419354 - 12/17/12 08:13 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Jeff - when Zeus transforms himself into a bull to go have his way with the wenches, even HE doesn't have more balls than YOU.

But thanks wink

And Lee, thanks too.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419375 - 12/17/12 12:43 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:27 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#419377 - 12/17/12 01:03 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Sorry that this happened but to me it just seems so you. confused That's right. To me you are just moving so fast that what happend with your wife (and when it happened) does not surprise me. You are progressing so quick that the world doesn't have time to catch up with you.(not that you had a choice in all the timing) Your wife doesn't get it because she hasn't had time. I think she really needs some therapy to help her deal with all this.


I just read Jeff's last post. Yeah. And his previous post, Yeah again.

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#419389 - 12/17/12 03:43 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
That's not the first time people here say I've been moving fast. I don't know what the speed is "supposed" to be. I know I went way too "fast" in deciding to call the perp on the phone and by a day later I paid for it dearly. But I humbly think that if it does look like I'm getting better faster there are a few reasons:

-SEX. My zomboid meltdown this year would not have happened, enabling the CSA to surface, except that everything else in the world was going wrong while i was sex-starving to death. We got pregnant with our 2nd kid last fall and my wife was heartbreaking puking helplessly sick every single day of it and then some, and then she had the baby, and then she had recovery time, and then we had to deal with a new baby, and we moved within 2 weeks of birth, and then we were unsettled in new house, and a partridge in a pear tree. Anyway with all that in effect I got utterly no physical intimacy of any kind whatsoever for 14 MONTHS. 9/17/11 - 11/11/12. I've always been cranked-high super horny (durp durp HYPERSEXUALITY IS CAUSED BY CSA durrp HERE'S ANOTHER WAY YOU ARE SECRETLY DAMAGED derr... whatever, I've called it "me" forever so I say it's just me) and going without that long seriously probably cut years off my life. The wife was so nauseous I couldn't even j/o in her presence, which had never excessively bothered her before or since, so even THAT had to be damn TIMED. I just couldn't deal with life hour-to-hour, let alone season to season. Making it worse, some of the last sex we did have was when she insisted i do her completely dry bc some stupid hocus pocus about making a girl, meaning I badicslly had to rape my wife while she bit her hands and cried and wracked around and was bleeding down there. Yes she asked me to but all felt / seen / heard sensations were of me painfully raping a woman and not just any but the one I loved. REALLY messed with my head and made me think I was being sexiled as punishment, not undeserved. Once I re-entered the universe of normal healthy sex I was just far less constantly (*every bad adjective on Earth here*). Everybody noticed, even the people who didn't know what was going on.

-DRUGS. I am responding extremely well to Wellbutrin, started Oct 24. My shrink is delighted. I am now a person with a problem, not a mindless piece of nonfunctional roiling garbage.

-T. She says, in a completely validating and respectful and non-minimizing way, that it should be relatively easiER for me to work thru this because it was a one-time thing. Not "no big deal" but relatively easiER. I cling to that damn hard and maybe it's the thought that counts. I hope that doesn't make the "long-termers" feel bad and feel like maybe shouldn't have said it. But just the idea gives me extra hope.

-MAYAN GHOST WOOWOO.. 2012 was just a clusterfuck for my life, everything from identity theft / life savings robbery to major upheavals at work to being painfully cored out on the inside every day without sex to buying a house just in time for Sandy to mangle it and leave us refugees for 3 weeks to... yeah, to reliving what happened at 8. Yeah. I guess I don't take a hint because I'm not dead yet. For my own sake I am chalking this up to Fucking 2012, with the honest hopes that next year HAS to be better. And yes that means in some regards I am running, I.e. knowing I had to talk to my parents ASAP.

Should probably go to the dentist over Christmas break too just in case.

Don't ask me what will happen if 2013 isn't noticeably better. I'm Linus waiting out all night because the Great Pumpkin WILL appear!!!


Edited by SoccerStar (12/17/12 04:12 PM)
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#419391 - 12/17/12 04:28 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Mountainous Buck Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Matt

I see u as a brave man- so go gentle on yourself after all the stuff you've been thru-ok?
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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
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#419394 - 12/17/12 05:38 PM * [Re: SoccerStar]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:23 PM)

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#419397 - 12/17/12 06:37 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: Candu]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Candu
... To me you are just moving so fast that what happend with your wife (and when it happened) does not surprise me. You are progressing so quick that the world doesn't have time to catch up with you.(not that you had a choice in all the timing) Your wife doesn't get it because she hasn't had time.

Hey I never said the speed was wrong. I didn't say it was too fast only so fast. Like you said, you would have liked time to prepare before disclosing to your wife. And as far as I can see the blowup with her happened because she hasn't had enough time for understanding yet.

With me it took almost a full year (a painful year) to disclose. And that was only a sentence in a letter since I couldn't say the words. I wish I was moving half as fast as you are.

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#419401 - 12/17/12 09:09 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: Candu]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Originally Posted By: Candu
[quote=Candu]
And as far as I can see the blowup with her happened because she hasn't had enough time for understanding yet.


Would you mind explaining that a little more, please? I'm having a very hard time forgiving her and would really benefit from anything that made her actions make sense. I don't want to believe she tried to take my healing away on purpose. Thank you...
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#419410 - 12/17/12 11:05 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
We understand a lot of it because we are going through it. Even so for me I didn't really think the CSA was so big a deal. Until things got bad for me starting two years ago and I was trying to figure out why. In the end I had to include the CSA. So then I did a lot of reading and learned a lot and discovered that the CSA was more significant than I thought it was.

She (hopefully) has not experienced anything like this. We did and at an age where the harm was even more significant. It has effected us. It is not just a bad experience it was a major trama event.

My guess is that she doesn't understand how deep that this effects us. How badly it has damaged us. Maybe she doesn't want to believe and is in denial. That's why she doesn't like you here with the freeks. That you just had a bad experience and you should just get over it and forget it.

The was a post last night in Family and Friends with a link to a post from aftersilence.org made by a female rape survivor explaining to a Secondary Survivor how she felt. Now this was and adult that was raped and not a child. An adult that has a lot more experience and understanding than a child. http://www.christianforums.com/t7258133/

That was an adult trying to explain to other adults what it really is like. It hit me pretty hard when I read it because a lot of it is what I have experienced. Not the same but close enough. Does your wife really understand. I doubt it. Ask her to read that post and then ask her if her understanding has changed.

But maybe you don't want her to understand. What kind of support has she had?

I have spent more time in F&F because I want to undestand the CSA from more than just my(survivor) perspective. I get a lot out of it but it also has been costly. There is a lot of pain there to.

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#419411 - 12/17/12 11:12 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1055
It sounds like your wife is being a selfish bitch operating on a lot of unconscious emotion in a really nasty way.

She seems jealous that you're sharing here; jealous of your T; even jealous of your perp, which is totally nuts.

You are right to be pissed with her, and you need to follow you instincts to create a healing space around yourself that doesn't include her intrusions.

Cant
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#419413 - 12/17/12 11:18 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Yes that's what it sounds like but I doubt it is just that simple. I sure hope that's not the case.

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#419421 - 12/18/12 01:10 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:28 AM)
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#419437 - 12/18/12 07:31 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm glad to hear telling your parents went so well, but I'm sorry your wife spoilt your moment. That was a terrible thing to do. I wish I had something profound to say that would make it ok...

FWIW, I'll wait with you. The Great Pumpkin will appear.

It has to...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
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#419513 - 12/19/12 12:39 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
My T called me back today extremely worried, saying I'd been crying so hard in my vmail she hadn't understood me at all. When I told her the basic gist of the story by phone she said what my wife did was outrageous and she REALLY needs to be in therapy herself. And she does, after the year we've had. She IS jealous that I have therapy resources. If she weren't still breastfeeding I'm 100% sure she'd be on some kind of meds, she was throughout most of her adult life.

While not excusing what she did and still so hurt, I tried to talk it out with T over the phone about just what my wife does or doesn't understand. I was really moved by Candu's post with a female survivor explaining the emotional issues and we both realized something.

Though NOTHING EXCUSES what my wife did, it is a plain fact that I've only ever given her the "bad stuff." When she found my pills I basically showed her by way of explanation a story that reads like child porn, and once I was able to talk again there were just more details of the abuse since in my nightmare condition that was all that could come out. And that wasn't so long ago in November. Then she'd ask me questions about it and me being the fool I'd answer them, so it became "something we could talk about" when it really totally totally isn't. I try to shut her down whenever she brings it up.

Then I go weeks talking about telling my parents, and she hears me give them an all Oprah-fied affirmative speech that's "clean," that I'm obviously comfortable with, and that talks about goals and such. I haven't kept my goals a secret from my wife but I just try to discuss it all with her as little as possible because I'm never sure when she's going to say something inappropriate, something *physical*. During that whatever-it-was she did to me Saturday night, she kept saying she had nobody to talk to about this and she couldn't even talk about it with me really.

So it looks like the damn rollercoaster has one more loopdyloop on it before the end of the year, because now we both agree I ought to speechify to my wife about my emotional state like that post Candu linked - how being abused makes you *feel*, what I remember feeling as a kid, how those feelings transposed into me as an adult when this all surfaced... doubts and loss of self, that shit. Basically give her something to talk about other than things being shoved into other things. I'm way more comfortable with that and it doesn't trigger me at all, I just need to make sure she gets that the point of this is to make a clean transition away from physical degradation to *thinking about / reacting to* physical degradation. Like, we're working so hard to rebuild our house after Sandy devastated it, we'll always have to be careful not to put anything too priceless or un-liftable in the basement again, but we DON'T sit around talking about how deep the flood was or specifically which things might have got destroyed first - and when we DO it's a mistake because it just gets us both really upset. Kinda frame it like that.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/19/12 01:01 AM)
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#419536 - 12/19/12 09:37 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:28 AM)
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#419625 - 12/20/12 02:54 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
WriterKeith Offline
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Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
I wish I could meet and hug your parents.

Matt, if anyone of us is truly a survivor, it's you. This is an encouraging male survivor Christmas story!
_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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#419634 - 12/20/12 08:09 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
WHHHHEEEEReeeeeeeEEEEEAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAA MORE ROLLERCOASTERRRRRRRR

So I had the serious talk with my wife last night.

I started full off by saying I wanted to talk about "this new issue that's come up" and about "what happened Saturday night."

Basic flow:

ME: "What happened Saturday night between us was extremely hurtful to me. It was devastating to me [yes I used that word]. But I've accepted your apologies and there were some very important things you brought up that it's fair to talk about. You said you feel like you can't talk to anybody not even to me because I'm so uncomfortable with it. And also it made you feel bad with that going on when I got all shaved and in nice clothes and shoes to give my parents an Oprah talk about treatment and also allowing them to ask me physical questions. [As I mentioned they did NOT ask physical questions and I now consider that window closed forever, they had the one chance period].

So here's the problem: you found out too soon, before I was ready to tell you, like 3 weeks after I'd figured it out at all and 15 days after I fainted in my shrinks office just by saying it. When you found my pills I was still so fucked up I just showed you a story like child porn and then when I could talk all I could do was freak out more about more physical attack details. And that's all you got, and I really can't stand talking about it and if I ever get taken by surprise hearing about it I get mad, I know. And I've been edgy precisely because I dont know if you're going to bring it up again or when. But I really was going to tell you, once it became so real I had to deal with it I'd have told you but I'd have told you the good way - like what you saw. You saw how I can say it when I'm ready, when I've prepped and practiced. I've practiced for this [true].

So instead of you only having gross awful shit I can't talk about, I'm okay talking about what things like this make you feel. When something like this happens it's the worst thing that ever happened to you and it changes how you feel. I had to remember how I felt right during and right right after, a minute or two after, and it was awful. You are confused and terrified. It takes away your identity - and I had to have those feelings bleed back in as a grown man. It tells you everything you ever thought about yourself was a lie, that everything my parents ever told their 8-year-old was a lie. I wasn't bright, if I was bright I'd have figured a way out. I wasn't handsome, nobody would do that to someone handsome. I wasn't special, same reason. I wasn't even good, because when something like that happens you feel so disgusting that everybody else is going to just look at you and puke. You don't even feel like a person anymore, what's a person if someone else can do anything they want to you? You just get used like a thing and whatever you are just can't be important.

[I touched her arms and shoulders, and her blanket and pillow]

The first thing every baby learns at birth is light vs dark. The second thing is myself vs other things. It's so basic and every other thought grows after it. You know where your arm ends and this blanket begins, you know where your face ends and the air begins. If this blanket suddenly came to life and stabbed right through your arm and poked out the other side and stayed there, that'd be pretty serious emotional fuckup. It wouldn't just hurt, it would be HOW DID THAT HAPPEN and WHAT HAPPENED TO ME and WHAT'S NEXT? You dont feel like you have any control or safety.

Now I had to remember feeling that way as a grown man while I was in the middle of doing things that were still "me" and still important - you, kids, job, etc. So sometimes I'd feel that way, sometimes I'd just remember feeling that way. Having an adult life that contradicted the childhood feelings I suddenly got made it kinda better and kinda worse, because you can see it's not true, but that's not how feelings work, not all the time. Therapy helps, pills help. I do have a support structure like you said, but like I said, I don't like having to talk about this with a therapist and I don't like taking pills.

I think I've gotten way better in just 2 months of trying to deal with this. I'm certainly better than I used to be - right? ["In some ways" - we'll get to her answers in a sec]. But I don't want you to feel like this is something we can't talk about if you're concerned about it, it always affects the spouses too, and there isn't any wall between us that you can't talk through. I dont want you to feel like I'm a different person, because all of these things had happened to me and I'd known of the movie pictures of myself I could look at from far away, I had those when we first met and when [listed like 5 really special times from before this fall -first date, wedding, births, etc].

You are way more important to me than my parents and you can talk to me about thus stuff. It's just much much better to talk the way I talked when I'd practiced: how are you feeling? Are you feeling better? Is it in your mind right now? Is there any way I can help? Stuff like that. I really dont like talking about the physical stuff with anybody, but you can ask about that too. But if you do ask please dont make it sudden. Give me some warning. Say you want to ask me a physical stuff question later, it could be 10 minutes and I'll say okay go, but you can't surprise me with it."

[obviously interspersed a billion I love yous, you're so specials, I trust you with this, etc]


HER: "Why do you need warning time?"
ME: "Because it's disgusting and it was physically very painful and it makes you feel bad if bad memories like that get pulled up suddenly or if I'm antsy thinking they might be because you're going to ask suddenly. I need to calm myself down and be able to talk clinically. I can't have anything in my mouth, can't be eating or drinking or chewing gum or even be thinking about those things at the time."

HER: "Well is there any other physical stuff I dont know about?"
ME: "I dont think so" [awkward, I was so openhearted I just didn't have it in me to recite the whole butchers bill to her one last time to make sure, hopefully not a missed opportunity someday]

HER: "I just don't want to feel like there are any secrets being kept from me about things we have to deal with, even if they're being kept for what seems like a better time. It's never a better time, I need to know things right away, it's who I am.

HER: "You have gotten better in some ways but I really do feel line you're not always 'here', like you're dazed and slow to respond or pick up on things. It's been a real noticeable change since before, I'm sorry. Other things are way better but that's still there."
ME: "I know, it's something I'm trying with. It's hard because you have to make yourself think of something less, and how do you do that? Like, 'don't think of an elephant'. But I'm trying."

HER: "I really feel like you over sanitized the story to your parents, that in a way you were lying to them to get a happy interaction. When you first told me you had a lot of anger."
ME: "Those bad feelings I said make you feel worthless and ugly. What I needed to know was that even after that happening to their only son, my parents would still love me. I knew they did, but I needed to KNOW-know, I needed them to come out and say it, I needed proof. I'm not angry at them, it's the exact opposite."
HER: "But your sister? You said you were so angry at her you still curse her out with your therapist."
ME: "Yes, and was she there, did I tell her, am I going to tell her? No. I am still angry at her. That's why I won't tell her, I can already see how it would blow up. Even before I'd remembered, I was creeped out by how she defended [her ex-boyfriend the serial child rapist]. She was a fucking idiot infatuated 15-year-old girl and she's still never gotten over her first crush. She's still all like 'He never did it and he was molested as a kid which is why he did it' [FOR ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS]. And it was because I was trying to protect everyone else from bad feelings when they'd cried over him so much, that I didn't tell. And even though I'd only remembered it as an unfeeling movie showing me but not being me, I at some level knew it was me and was a bad thing and probably would have told anyway if he hadn't done what he did to get my whole family so upset. So yeah, there won't be the Oprah talk with my sister, there will be no talk of thus ever because it would get real bad."

HER: [an hour later, after the talk was over and we'd been talking about other stuff] "Thanks for saying all that before, for explaining. You really didn't have to but it felt good to know you'd talk with me about it."
ME: "You're worth it."

Would like to say we then tenderly made love or spent the night holding hands and reaffirming each other or watched a funny movie at least, but no, it was late and we were both exhausted. We went into the kids rooms and kissed them in their sleep, watched some trash on E! And I took my damn sleeping pill again, though it's a new one now - the psych thinks it might be a better match, less habit forming, and he has a plan to get me off them altogether by spring. I was so happy to hear that, this guy is an expert and if he believes this kind of progress is possible then I'll cling to that.

ATTN: 2012
There is NO FURTHER DRAMA ALLOWED. The rollercoaster is OUT OF CIRCULATION and anyone wanting another ride will have to settle for the Hall of Presidents or something, where people you recognize talk in ways you recognize. If there is any further drama I will personally sue the rollercoaster operator for reckless driving and emotional damages and demand a full refund!


Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (12/20/12 09:16 AM)
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#419636 - 12/20/12 08:23 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1110
Loc: SE USA
Matt, you *have* been on quite a roller coaster in the past week. Your last update is very encouraging because of one thing in particular your wife said. She used the right pronoun as in "...the things WE have to deal with..." She is on your team, but her role wasn't clear to her...until now. Way to go---both of you.

Will
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#419652 - 12/20/12 01:52 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Matt

You handled that like a champ (like a survior). No victim there!!! Rather than being caught up in the 'my wife doesn't understand' feelings you took a pro-active approach to help 'make' her understand. I am inspiried to do the same.

Job well done.

Quote:
Would like to say we then tenderly made love or spent the night holding hands and reaffirming each other or watched a funny movie at least, but no, it was late and we were both exhausted. We went into the kids rooms and kissed them in their sleep, watched some trash on E! And I took my damn sleeping pill again

Yes life goes on .....

Quote:
ATTN: 2012
There is NO FURTHER DRAMA ALLOWED. The rollercoaster is OUT OF CIRCULATION and anyone wanting another ride will have to settle for the Hall of Presidents or something, where people you recognize talk in ways you recognize. If there is any further drama I will personally sue the rollercoaster operator for reckless driving and emotional damages and demand a full refund!

laugh me too


Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#419695 - 12/20/12 08:11 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:28 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#419699 - 12/20/12 08:45 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Lol Jeff, I am never THAT exhausted! But I'm not into "earning my red wings" so it will have to wait wink
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419706 - 12/20/12 09:14 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
ME: "You're worth it."

Smart! grin

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#419714 - 12/20/12 10:51 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: Candu]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Candu
Smart! grin

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
"You're worth it."

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
job well done."

An inspirational thread smile smile wink

Peace,Rainbows & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#419715 - 12/20/12 11:12 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Quote:
HER:"Thanks for saying all that before, for explaining. You really didn't have to but it felt good to know you'd talk with me about it."
ME: "You're worth it."


Hollywood could not have scripted this more perfectly. Congratulations on navigating some of the most difficult issues of recovery!

Please don't be disappointed if there are some further ups and downs. Even the healthiest, normal people have them. But I have no doubt you'll handle them like a pro.

Thanks for sharing.

Jude
_________________________
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Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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