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#419391 - 12/17/12 09:28 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Matt

I see u as a brave man- so go gentle on yourself after all the stuff you've been thru-ok?
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#419394 - 12/17/12 10:38 PM * [Re: SoccerStar]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 05:23 PM)

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#419397 - 12/17/12 11:37 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: Candu]
Candu Offline


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Candu
... To me you are just moving so fast that what happend with your wife (and when it happened) does not surprise me. You are progressing so quick that the world doesn't have time to catch up with you.(not that you had a choice in all the timing) Your wife doesn't get it because she hasn't had time.

Hey I never said the speed was wrong. I didn't say it was too fast only so fast. Like you said, you would have liked time to prepare before disclosing to your wife. And as far as I can see the blowup with her happened because she hasn't had enough time for understanding yet.

With me it took almost a full year (a painful year) to disclose. And that was only a sentence in a letter since I couldn't say the words. I wish I was moving half as fast as you are.

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#419401 - 12/18/12 02:09 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: Candu]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Originally Posted By: Candu
[quote=Candu]
And as far as I can see the blowup with her happened because she hasn't had enough time for understanding yet.


Would you mind explaining that a little more, please? I'm having a very hard time forgiving her and would really benefit from anything that made her actions make sense. I don't want to believe she tried to take my healing away on purpose. Thank you...
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#419410 - 12/18/12 04:05 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
We understand a lot of it because we are going through it. Even so for me I didn't really think the CSA was so big a deal. Until things got bad for me starting two years ago and I was trying to figure out why. In the end I had to include the CSA. So then I did a lot of reading and learned a lot and discovered that the CSA was more significant than I thought it was.

She (hopefully) has not experienced anything like this. We did and at an age where the harm was even more significant. It has effected us. It is not just a bad experience it was a major trama event.

My guess is that she doesn't understand how deep that this effects us. How badly it has damaged us. Maybe she doesn't want to believe and is in denial. That's why she doesn't like you here with the freeks. That you just had a bad experience and you should just get over it and forget it.

The was a post last night in Family and Friends with a link to a post from aftersilence.org made by a female rape survivor explaining to a Secondary Survivor how she felt. Now this was and adult that was raped and not a child. An adult that has a lot more experience and understanding than a child. http://www.christianforums.com/t7258133/

That was an adult trying to explain to other adults what it really is like. It hit me pretty hard when I read it because a lot of it is what I have experienced. Not the same but close enough. Does your wife really understand. I doubt it. Ask her to read that post and then ask her if her understanding has changed.

But maybe you don't want her to understand. What kind of support has she had?

I have spent more time in F&F because I want to undestand the CSA from more than just my(survivor) perspective. I get a lot out of it but it also has been costly. There is a lot of pain there to.

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#419411 - 12/18/12 04:12 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
It sounds like your wife is being a selfish bitch operating on a lot of unconscious emotion in a really nasty way.

She seems jealous that you're sharing here; jealous of your T; even jealous of your perp, which is totally nuts.

You are right to be pissed with her, and you need to follow you instincts to create a healing space around yourself that doesn't include her intrusions.

Cant
_________________________
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

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#419413 - 12/18/12 04:18 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Yes that's what it sounds like but I doubt it is just that simple. I sure hope that's not the case.

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#419421 - 12/18/12 06:10 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 02:28 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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#419437 - 12/18/12 12:31 PM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm glad to hear telling your parents went so well, but I'm sorry your wife spoilt your moment. That was a terrible thing to do. I wish I had something profound to say that would make it ok...

FWIW, I'll wait with you. The Great Pumpkin will appear.

It has to...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#419513 - 12/19/12 05:39 AM Re: Telling my parents - NOW! [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
My T called me back today extremely worried, saying I'd been crying so hard in my vmail she hadn't understood me at all. When I told her the basic gist of the story by phone she said what my wife did was outrageous and she REALLY needs to be in therapy herself. And she does, after the year we've had. She IS jealous that I have therapy resources. If she weren't still breastfeeding I'm 100% sure she'd be on some kind of meds, she was throughout most of her adult life.

While not excusing what she did and still so hurt, I tried to talk it out with T over the phone about just what my wife does or doesn't understand. I was really moved by Candu's post with a female survivor explaining the emotional issues and we both realized something.

Though NOTHING EXCUSES what my wife did, it is a plain fact that I've only ever given her the "bad stuff." When she found my pills I basically showed her by way of explanation a story that reads like child porn, and once I was able to talk again there were just more details of the abuse since in my nightmare condition that was all that could come out. And that wasn't so long ago in November. Then she'd ask me questions about it and me being the fool I'd answer them, so it became "something we could talk about" when it really totally totally isn't. I try to shut her down whenever she brings it up.

Then I go weeks talking about telling my parents, and she hears me give them an all Oprah-fied affirmative speech that's "clean," that I'm obviously comfortable with, and that talks about goals and such. I haven't kept my goals a secret from my wife but I just try to discuss it all with her as little as possible because I'm never sure when she's going to say something inappropriate, something *physical*. During that whatever-it-was she did to me Saturday night, she kept saying she had nobody to talk to about this and she couldn't even talk about it with me really.

So it looks like the damn rollercoaster has one more loopdyloop on it before the end of the year, because now we both agree I ought to speechify to my wife about my emotional state like that post Candu linked - how being abused makes you *feel*, what I remember feeling as a kid, how those feelings transposed into me as an adult when this all surfaced... doubts and loss of self, that shit. Basically give her something to talk about other than things being shoved into other things. I'm way more comfortable with that and it doesn't trigger me at all, I just need to make sure she gets that the point of this is to make a clean transition away from physical degradation to *thinking about / reacting to* physical degradation. Like, we're working so hard to rebuild our house after Sandy devastated it, we'll always have to be careful not to put anything too priceless or un-liftable in the basement again, but we DON'T sit around talking about how deep the flood was or specifically which things might have got destroyed first - and when we DO it's a mistake because it just gets us both really upset. Kinda frame it like that.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/19/12 06:01 AM)
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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