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#419045 - 12/13/12 11:46 PM So new...
txpwrcat Offline

Registered: 12/13/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Texas
Here it goes.

My husband and I have been married since July. Second marriage for both of us, five children between us, all teenagers from middle school to college age.

He is my best friend and 90% of the time he is funny and fabulous. Our sex life is great, frequent and fulfilling for both.

In the past several months, I've noticed several things:

1. He's drinking too much. He always has something to drink (tea, soda, etc.), but at night he'll start on alcohol and continue with it like he's drinking tea or water. Inevitably, at some point, he's getting drunk (or at least pretty tipsy).
2. I'm never quite sure which version will emerge in the drinking. The happy guy I love or the guy that snaps and becomes combative, controlling, jealous, mean and spiteful.
3. Little things will trigger the Jekyl and Hyde but it's almost never when he's sober. He might get a bit moody (not often) but never ugly sober.
4. He's a bit OCD on things like lists, iron unplugged, oven off, stove off, etc.
5. He has been actively looking for reasons I might leave him or don't show him love. Then apologizes and says I love him more than anyone ever has...

We have known of each other since we were in seventh grade. Had lots of mutual friends in high school but didn't really talk then. We both went our ways, college, work, etc., and 'remet' a few years ago via high school reunion and facebook group for our school. He captured my heart with his sweetness, his humor and his love. All those things remain true.

Last night was when he told me a 14 year old "friend" molested him when he was seven. He'd never told anyone and lived through the pain for this long. (We are both 48.) He told me a brief detail (probably as much as he could...)along with some of the after effects (an attachment to a stuffed toy and pretending it had powers of protection, etc.)as he grew up. He's very protective of his kids (although he's getting better we've melded families, he's less likely to over-protect as I mention we have to let them and need to help them grow up).

When asked if counseling, together or separate would help...he's not ready. I don't want to push. I want to help. I love him deeply. I am angry that it happened to an innocent child and there's never been closure on any level. His parents don't even know, nor do his siblings.

I want to help. I'm at a loss as to how. I'm guessing the drinking is for pain...the outbursts could be the end of us one day if we don't figure the path forward.

Advise is much appreciated. I've found this today and will likely tell him about it when we discuss again...

Thanks...I'm reeling, but it's nothing compared to his torture for 41 years.

#419055 - 12/14/12 12:52 AM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MaleSurvivor-I am glad you found this place and all it has to offer.

Go slow.

Be gentle with yourself - and gentle towards your partner.

Lots to digest here-know that you are both learning to take care of yourselves. Create a safe space for healing for him.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#419057 - 12/14/12 01:19 AM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
none of what you are describing is surprising. i hesitate to call it "normal" but expected or typical is certainly applicable. that may help to know.

as a male survivor myself - my suggestions for you are:

learn as much as you can on your own - read here - and get books such as the ones recommended on the MS home page - Lew's is one of the best.

also - make sure he has access to the materials if he is able, willing and ready to make use of them. be available to talk with him - especially to listen if he can do that. encourage the professional therapy idea when you can without pushing too hard. that was what helped me - my wife getting behind me and pressing me forward.

ask question just as you are doing now from those who have had more time to process. the more you can dialog, the more specific information you can get. the community here is very helpful and supportive and willing to share resources and esperiences.

welcome - and may you be blessed with strength for the journey.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#419125 - 12/14/12 05:48 PM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
txpwrcat Offline

Registered: 12/13/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Texas
Thank you all for the support publicly and in the mail here.

One of the things I've noticed is how so many comments, disagreements and times when he's not been "himself" I am reevaluating, reinterpreting.

When he goes to that dark place, for lack of a better term, where he says ugly things and is so aggressive in his discussion (I'm being tactful...he can be a real jerk in that place), it's only when he's drinking. I blamed the alcohol on that and had to draw the line. I think the alcohol is a symptom (or self-medication)for his pain.

So much is whirling through my head. The part that sucks, and I guess why I'm here, I can't talk this through with my best friend, yet. He's my best friend. And he's very defensive about the drinking, if/when I question and he's saying (though I don't buy it)that getting it off his chest, crying with me and having my love and support is all he needs. While the sentiment is great, I believe that to be unrealistic and frankly, too much to I read somewhere on this site, I'm not a therapist and while I am empathetic (sympathetic too...I was date raped in took me awhile to move beyond and I did find that once I talked about it, accepted I wasn't to blame and talked more, the power he had went away--H knows this story and has since the beginning of our relationship), I KNOW I'm not equipped to approach this the right way, every moment.

I'm going slow. I did ask last night what he thought about me getting support in my support of him with counseling or support group...he wasn't crazy about that...that's when he said he got it off his chest and it's moving on...I wish that to be true.

#419140 - 12/14/12 09:01 PM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: txpwrcat
I did ask last night what he thought about me getting support in my support of him with counseling or support group...he wasn't crazy about that...that's when he said he got it off his chest and it's moving on.

Wow are you good or what! Could I make an appointment with you. laugh

#419153 - 12/14/12 11:32 PM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
hahaha Candu- that was cute.

#419327 - 12/17/12 05:37 AM Re: So new... [Re: txpwrcat]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI txpwrcat

Im so sorry that you need to be here, but really glad you are.

So many wise words have preceded me in this post, and all I can say is that when I was being a "real Jerk" it was not the real me, it was the broken hurt damaged me, the one that was trying to make sense of the world.
I was so damaged that I did not really care about the ones that I love, didnt care if I hurt them with my horrible words, my horrid actions.
Once I had healed, so much changed, I am more attentive more caring, more in tune with others needs. Life for myself and my family is a lot better, not perfect but better.

A past president of MS put it well when he said that his wife ended up with a better man than the one that she had married.

This is what I wish for all the partners here, but remember that there is going to be a lot of hurt and a lot of crying before that happens.

Take care of yourself first, I know you love him, but with out a strong you his healing is going to be harder. Remeber that tough love is what you need to employ now, to protect you and to help him.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog


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