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#418917 - 12/12/12 04:49 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
The people I (and we) need to hear "it was not your fault" (and a "I'm sorry it happened to you" and "Holy God...I wish I knew") from, are the same people we endured in silence for (in many cases).

I saved the family unit from certain and permanent fragmentation by remaining silent and hiding evidence.

I saved my mother from certain horror of shipping-off to a state hospital as there would be no more house, assistants and children to help her live with paraplegic polio.

I saved my father's lucrative career, and (realizing it later in life) the jobs and fortunes of many investors and employees.

I kept my older siblings out of foster-world (which in Massachusetts always includes certain and default rape).

My/our silence allowed the siblings to attend college and have lives, families and such, as it would not have gone well for foster-product.

Now that they know, they are old enough for my affliction to not matter. They need not even see nor look at the poor twisted life of their little brother. They will never see the sacrifice or even realize it, as "Still could have changed what happened to him."

Yesterday, while standing in the waiting room of my T, a boy of about 12yo exited an office, met-up with his father waiting there, and smiled. Then the father smiled. They hugged. The father kissed the boy on the head. I never had that; Not even once.

I'm 12yo whenever I sit in that waiting room. I'm not focused on MY kids. At that point, I don't seem to even have my own kids. I'm 12. I'm scared, fully lost, fully adrift, ultra-sad and feeling as entrapped as a Dachau Jew.

Why did I protect the same people who disgard me now?

Yes, I raise my kids with complete affection, protection and empowerment. I show them all the love I can with my limited time with them. And i would love to be a whole-adult. A real to even call myself a "man." But i'm too often a broken boy, yet to hear those words...yet to recv a hug...yet to be told he's loved.

#418926 - 12/12/12 05:38 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
cosmos Offline

Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 191
Loc: Puget Sound
Still this wonít help but I also grew up in much the same way, neither of my parents ever had time for me, it was always just appearances, it had nothing to do with any genuine caring or affection, it was always about them and their lives, I could never even think let alone say ďwhat about me?Ē until recently. Its why after they institutionalized me I left home afterwards, never to return, Itís why I ignored them until my dad was dying; itís why I canít return my momís calls. Itís called reciprocity, and there never was any for me and its sounds the same for you. When you suffer in silence when no one notices you, when no one cares, and if no one who is supposed to care doesnít how can you care about yourself or other people? Not sure about you but I know even if there had been zero abuse I still wouldnít have grown up in a loving home, my parents were to self-absorbed to care, the next car, the next house, the next trip, everything was about them not me, ever, as long as I would have stayed out of trouble it was ok, they didnít care until they knew I was doing heavy drugs, and then they paid someone else to try and fix me, talk about shirking your responsibility. Also at this point in your life it has to be about you, not selfishly but about you healing yourself, so maybe it might be time to do or say something with your family? I know Iím contemplating sending my mother a ďchristmas cardĒ; nothing horrible, just that I cannot have anything to do with her, Iím not 4, sheís not my therapist, she was never my mother, but nothing about the abuse, because we all know anyway, and its implied, so no sense in pointing out the obvious, just that I feel her loneliness as a human, not as her son, I can be there like that, but nothing more, as she was not my mother.


Sad but like you I still feel 4, and my mom still treats me like that, but no we're both men now, adults with others depending on us, we're children no longer even if we're still dealing with childhood issues, we're men now!
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

#418960 - 12/12/12 11:52 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 447
At least we can be real here. I know there like 99% of my cas pain and suffering and confusion that I don't share with my wife. She knows all and thank god is supportive. My CSA crap took her through hell as well. I want to be compleatly open with her and she wants that as well, but it would engulf our relationship and life like it has engulfed me. It's a fine balance when she looks at me and asks if I am ok. My eye tell, but I just pause and say I am ok. She knows the tole it takes. We just don't talk about it any more. I like to think I am protecting her and my kids from the torment and chaos in side me. We must help our self and other here. We can survive this. In some ways we have leprosy of the sole and as long as we keep it undisclosed everyone's ok. Excep maybe us.

But we need the same things they do, love understanding and community. I think I am finding some of that here.

I hope some day your wife will look you in the eye and say "I know it was not your falt, I am so so sorry that you went through all of that evil as a kid. Lets work on this togeather.

#419469 - 12/18/12 05:26 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
It is not your fault because you "returned to your abusers." You are human, you need contact and attention. Where else was it avaiable? When your choices are so liomited how can you even think you had a choice? If you had no choice, trhere can be no fault!

We are damaged goods, whgether we are willing to believe we have healed or not nthe truth is we were damaged. The damage doesn't stop when it begins, but makes you more vulnerable, with fewer choices and no alternatives.

I have a different story, I would not have accepted it was not my fault. I thought nI had choices and I made bad ones. I thought I had prostituted myself. But it never occureds to me that it was my fdault and if anyonme had told me it wasn't my fault I would be waiting for the next shoe to drop. What did trhey want from me now. Even when I was abused, violated AND betrayed, the idea that I could value what they said, was crazy. All I could do was process it and try to face the next performance.

It is not hearing that it was not your fault it iks understanding that you were a human child with needs thAT WERE NOT MET. yOU TRIED TO FIND WHAT YUOU COULD TO SURVIVE (Sorry about the caps I ahve so much triouble typing.

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