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#418529 - 12/08/12 10:55 PM Getting over the pain...
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
Would like some input and feedback how other spouses managed to get over the pain and betrayal of infidelity and lies?

I can't seem to deal with the pain of being lied to. Of my spouse sneaking behind my back, talking with and being with other women. For months he did this. For months, he lied to my face. He crushed me. He was the one person I never saw hurting me and he did - deeply and in the most painful of ways.

How do you guys deal with this sort of pain? I know that lying and adultery are forms of acting out - but this doesn't help me from hurting.

I just don't know if I will ever get over it.

Edited by outoflove (12/08/12 10:57 PM)

#418536 - 12/09/12 01:50 AM Re: Getting over the pain... [Re: outoflove]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
First of all out, thank you for supporting a survivor.

My wife is a survivor and I guess that qualifies me to be a "spouse", we are survivor/supporters. She acted out, she hurt me and she betrayed me, and as a survivor I can tell you, learning to trust again is overwhelming.

Supporters and survivors do not "get over" anything, we become aware of the issues, feel them intensely, letting ourselves fully experience the emotions, then we know we can survive them. We understand what the reasons behind the feelings are and we process them into understanding that helps us to think, feel and behave in empathy and compassion with limitations in the present and the future.

Every time I find my wife is again being deceitful or dishonest, I assertively challenge her. She reacted aggressively at first, but is coming to understand the benefits of talking out issues that she is trying to hide. It is mostly successful.

I had to separate my recovery from her for a time so that I did not continue to demand her rescuing me from my past or projecting insecurities on her position. You have not mentioned if he is seeking help or has stopped the acting out, and I am sure if you have been around the site at all that you have been advised to seek out support from CODA groups or therapy to ground and center yourself, gaining confidence and internal affirmation so that you can grow into a person who is more possessively assertive.

For now as you consider the life experience being shared, know that you are doing your best, that he is too. Assertively challenge the acting out, give him space and get space, healing and support outside of the relationship for you.

My best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#418544 - 12/09/12 04:50 AM Re: Getting over the pain... [Re: outoflove]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Ahhhh... your post...

I am working on something with some of my peers (your peers too) that will hopefully someday address this specific question and provide help for this kind of pain.

Infidelity is torture but you are here on these boards because you know that this is a unique situation, one that is nonetheless full of heartbreak and pain, for everyone involved.

As far as "getting over", it's not what happens. It is more like getting past, or seeing past. It is more like seeing the whole picture and putting everything in its relative space. It is more like seeing the actions of another person as independent from you. It is a long process that often times feels cyclical and tortuous.

I don't know anything about your situation or what is currently going on. I will tell you what our couples therapist once told me: You have to together decide if this is just one chapter or the whole story.

Please feel free to pm me. You are NOT alone. You are heard and in the company of some really fabulous people who are struggling to support someone they love who has hurt them in really profound ways.

#421029 - 01/05/13 02:41 AM Re: Getting over the pain... [Re: outoflove]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Sorry I am late to the game. But, I second Esposa. At some point you have to ask yourself whether you want the hurt to rule your life. I did for a year. Albeit I also lost 20 pounds thru intense physical exercise (sublimation, I know), but a short term cure does not a long term reconciliation make. And it's hard to even think about reconciliation when you plagued by both the pain of betrayal and desire to see your partner thru what is obviously the toughest thing they will ever face.

Honestly, and this sounds a little crazy, but primal scream therapy did wonders for me. I am not a cryer. I hold everything in. I went out into the wilderness with a group and screamed and cried until I could scream no more and it was the most cleansing and transformative experience of my life.

When I couldn't even think about another tear or another sound coming out of my body, all the white noise disappeared and I was able to be silent, evaluate my options and make some decisions.

I was hurt. To some extent, I will always hurt. But I chose to not let it define me any further. I chose to rebuild. And that's what you need to decide, whether it is worth it to try and rebuild with your partner or without.

Either way, we are here for you. We can help rebuild you. We have the technology. We can make you better than you were before. Better, stronger, faster...!

Sorry, obviously feeling nostalgic for some 70s TV

#425331 - 02/15/13 10:48 AM Re: Getting over the pain... [Re: outoflove]
Jemma Offline

Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 22
Loc: England
I'm a bit late too. We've been married for 34 years and I found out my husband had been seeing prostitutes for the last four years, then three months ago he left me for a woman he'd been having an affair with. When he came back he told me about the abuse.

I was in shock, and the hurt was like a knife in my heart. But he finished the affair very quickly, got into therapy and started talking to me about the horrific abuse for the first time in his life. He's going through a workbook so that he has coping strategies. In short, he's been doing everything he could to heal so the acting out never happens again.

The worst time for me was when I made him get himself checked out for sexually transmitted disease. That really hit him how low he'd sunk. But for me it made the adultery real and I hurt even more.

But this site has been amazing. Its given me hope that as Eposa said, its just a chapter, not the whole story of our relationship. The more I understand about the abuse he suffered the less I take it personally and the less I hurt. It's getting better.


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