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#417641 - 11/29/12 07:31 PM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
no, if you love him, dont run. help him heal.
but one thing has to be the first rule, honesty! and only honesty!
and regarding your kids: he said it might be better he doesnt have kids as your first reaction was like that. that can mean that he feels he wont be good enough (low self esteem inside there) or it might mean that he knows why its better and that wont be good. the thing is, if you love him, you stick to him. you cant just leave him for something which was surely not his fault. he was a kid, remember! just protect yourself from becoming co-dependent. it happens slowly and fast and it happens to so many women because they totally concentrate on whats good for him. you also exist - never forget that.
if you stay with him, be aware that his face he puts up in public (you said he was very open) might be adapted to what he learned he has to be like to look like a functioning member of society. we all do. but a survivor learns differently as his experience is unfortunately different.
he NEEDS to be honest fully to you and open, so that you know what you are living with.
your kids....they need to be told that abuse is nothing which only a stranger could do. it is also something a person they love could do. i am not saying it has to be him - no way. it could be anyone, from uncle over aunt over father, anyone. obviously not mother in this case smile but there are mothers like that out there, many more than we think.
keep on reading and school yourself on the topic child sexual abuse and see what other abuses might have been there in his childhood besides the sexual abuse.
this link helped me tons to understand. its a bit complicated and you probably have to google a few words, but its worth it.

i really wish you all the best - heads up!

everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#418205 - 12/05/12 04:20 AM Re: Just found out. What do I do now? [Re: wrldtrvlr]
wrldtrvlr Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone for the knowledge and encouragement. I don't know where I'd be right now without this site.

In some ways I feel like my bf is a textbook example of csa and in other ways...I'm not so sure. He told me when we first met that he has night terrors, which I thought odd, but it didn't really set off any alarms. I think I even told him at that point that he must have suffered something stressful in his life. What an understatement! I haven't noticed any addictions or any overt coping strategies so I have a couple of questions.

I know that healing means something different for each person, but I see a lot of wives on here talking about how their husbands treat them badly while they are healing, or even when they aren't. Is this something I should expect from my guy? He's never treated me badly (outside of being honest and telling me that he doesn't love me), but we don't live together either. I want to continue my relationship with him yet I don't know if I can take what may come in the form of his healing process. I do love him and want to be here for him, but can I handle it? I just don't know. Part of me is gearing up to run. Do any wives or girlfriends have any advice on this? Any survivors want to chime in?

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