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#325815 - 03/21/10 05:11 PM My best friend
jcm Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 37
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
My best friend was the first person I ever told about my CSA. To make a long story short, the middle of last year I moved away for a few months. Call it a long summer vacation that I took to try and sort my head out and find out what I wanted to do with my life. When I returned, he didnt want anything to do with me. While I was away I think he decided he didn't want to be friends with someone as fucked up as I am.

I haven't seen or spoken to him for around 9 months. Today I seen him for the first time since we were best friends, I'm not sure if he seen me though.

It triggered me really badly, as bad as what my csa used to trigger me. I don't know why. He was the only one I felt comfortable talking to and now i feel terrified when I see him.

Whats wrong with me?

#325898 - 03/22/10 01:50 PM Re: My best friend [Re: jcm]
dontwantoletgo Offline

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 4
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you have had a horrible experience and when you told your best friend who you felt you could trust, he broke off your friendship. It sounds like maybe you feel betrayed or abandoned by him because you felt safe with him and then he acted as if he didn't want anything to do with you. I'm guessing here, I could be wrong, please tell me if I'm out of line, but maybe seeing him triggers you because the feeling of trusting him and him betraying that trust by not talking to you stirs up similar feelings from the csa-when someone you trusted betrayed you by abusing you.....
just my thoughts and I'm sorry if anything I said was out of line or upset you....I'm sorry your friend responded that way when you disclosed, I know it must have taken a lot of courage to share that with him.

#418196 - 12/05/12 01:28 AM . [Re: jcm]
ALovingMum Offline

Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 51

#418202 - 12/05/12 02:33 AM Re: My best friend [Re: jcm]
cosmos Offline

Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 191
Loc: Puget Sound
jcm first off you live in SoCal a beautiful part of the country, but more to the point you’re “as fucked up as I am”? I take that as meaning what? You were abused just like the rest of us here, no one is here because we’re “fucked up” we’re here because someone took advantage of children, you’re not the “fucked up” here, those that take advantage of children are eff’d up! Can you imagine how not right in the head someone has to be to rape a child? Sorry to have to say this but in this world we live in most people are just associates and will never be friends, can’t be friends, a friend is like your uncle just not your uncle. We are all alone in this world, sometimes you’re lucky you find someone; I don’t think that anyone who causes triggers in you could be good for you. I can’t imagine ever telling anyone about my abuse so you definitely get the Medal of Honor for that, I just can’t imagine that kind of courage.

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

#418206 - 12/05/12 04:30 AM Re: My best friend [Re: jcm]
wrldtrvlr Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
I don't know how much this will help you but I have sort of a similar story. It's not related to csa, but it does concern a "friend" who didn't know how to comfort/support me.

My dad died 13 years ago, when I was 22. The details are still hard to talk about sometimes, but I will say that it was somewhat sudden and I didn't get to tell him goodbye. Y best friend, whom I had known since the 7th grade told me to call her whenever I needed her. I said ok. I never called her and she never called me. Just like that. We eventually became friends again and she told me that she just didn't know how to deal with it, she knew my dad and was struggling with his death, etc. I eventually forgave her, but I never rely on her for the hard stuff. She's no good at it. Perhaps your friend has this same issue. I'm not defending him in any way, it's just a theory I wanted to throw out there. Either way, you deserve a better friend than that.

#418510 - 12/08/12 03:37 PM Re: My best friend [Re: jcm]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
My husband is currently struggling with friends who have been less than responsive upon learning about his CSA. They struggle with knowing what to do or say. My husband writes them off as uncaring. He doesn't seem to understand that they are relying on him to say what he needs. I know I don't always know and struggle constantly, so who could they possibly know??

It's a give and take. Sometimes it's more give. Sometimes it's more take. Friendships are not always 100% balanced. Sometimes you have to walk a friends through "how to be a friend" in the way that you need it.

Don't give up on your friend. At least, not until you have had a chance to talk with him first.

Edited by Valkyrie (12/08/12 03:38 PM)

#418521 - 12/08/12 06:38 PM Re: My best friend [Re: jcm]
jcm Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 37
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Wow, I didn't realise people were still responding to this thread. I posted this at the beginning of 2010.

As an update, it has been 3 and a half years since I talked face to face with my best friend. We are greatly seperated georgraphically since I have made my move to southern California permanenent, but I still wanted some form of contact or a reason why he didn't want to talk to me.

Two weeks ago, I got the courage to write a pretty long message which I sent to him on facebook (we are no longer facebook friends and haven't been for about 2 years). Facebook showed me that he read the message, but a week went by and I did not get a reply.

I decided to get his cell phone number and text him. I did it, and he responded with "I', not interested in going over all this. Basically people lose touch and that's life".

This was the final closure on our friendship, which I had been avoiding for all this time.

There was a point in my life where I relied on him. I'm sure he saved my life at one point and I wouldn't be here right now without that, so I am at least thankful for what he has done for me in the past.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words also.


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