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#418002 - 12/03/12 07:15 AM Re: Disconected [Re: tulula]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: tulula
he becomes a statue I fear he is doing it as a kind of defense mechanism so that he doesn't escalate any further emotion. It feels like he sometimes isn't present. An I fear that he does this so he doesn't just lash out and say "well you think THATS a tough break...?!"

That is exactly what I do. I literally "shut down" my emotions. And yes - I do it when I am afraid that my emotions will escalate beyond my control, because I don't want to hurt those around me. But perhaps more because the power of my own emotions frightens me... I am afraid to let go and allow the anger to flow, because I'm afraid I won't be able to control it, and would end up doing something terrible. I know what I'm capable of. I can be dangerous when I loose control. Sometimes I have to shut down to stay in control...

I'd rather be disconnected than a wife-beater. I couldn't live with myself if I got physically aggressive with the woman I love... Forgiving myself for the verbal abuse I've thrown at various people I love in the past is hard enough...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#418050 - 12/03/12 07:21 PM Re: Disconected [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 447
Mountainous Buck

Thanks for the welcom and support and encouragement. the must read link was a big help! I for got that I could take my time and look after my self in this process.
I have always taken my recovery at my pace, what I could manage and gave my self permission to let good enught be good enught. I see now that I have throne that by pass switch that let's you jump off cliffs and such. The drive and compulsion to push past my self and make it happen regardless of the personal cost is not easy to turn off once pushed. Thanks for the wisdom!

#418066 - 12/03/12 10:07 PM Re: Disconected [Re: genedebs]
SmartShadow Offline

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 447
Hi genededs,

Thanks for your post, acceptance and support. I am learning a lot about my self as I read and interact with other survivors. Funny thing how much I minimize my fealings and my abuse in my head, yet this makes it real for me in a way that I have not experanced in a very long time. It's like I just found out my CSA is no longer in remission.

God be with you to, SS

Edited by SmartShadow (12/04/12 04:52 PM)

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