Something has died. It is called soul murder and that is what
your abuser did to you. It may be that there were others complicit, your parent who invited him into your life, the ones who wouldn't believe or dicounted it.
The anger helps me keep the sadness away. I have been crazy angry for 50 years, but I don't have to act on it. But, when I stop the anger, or I can't hold onto it, the saddness always comes, and then my eyes leak, I say that because I don't want to admit I cry. I always hear my father say if youi don't stop crying I will give something to cry about... and he did.
The fact is that over time the RAGE becomes anger and does not make adrenalin, or anxiety, or hate, but if you hold on it will chase the saddness away. Unfortunately if you do it well enough long enough you can feel no joy, not even satisfaction, much less the love of your children or grandchildren. Hell of a bargain.
I hope you get the help you need before you are too closed down.
Been there done that and am struggling to recover from the losses I caused myself.