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#417758 - 11/30/12 04:32 PM -
L84 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 35
Loc: USA

Edited by L84 (02/25/13 08:43 PM)

#417859 - 12/01/12 03:55 PM Re: Wives and Husbands determining Orientation [Re: L84]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI L84

Welcome to the forum and I hope that you will find a lot of sage advice here.

Husbands: Did you go through a period that you had to determine what your orientation was? Did it turn out to be something other than hetero? What was your “aha” moment. How did you work it out?

I was lucky that I had tried and sorted at least that before I had married, I tried the gay thing and didn't like it at all.
There is a wise man that says that we should avoid trying to figure out what our orientation is before we have healed, and this is a very very true statement. Don't try to figure out what you are until you have worked out who you are. If you dont do it this way you will never find happiness.

A seperation is what got me to my senses, it was the second time that I had moved out and had worked hard on my recovery that I figured out that I was happy and in love. Sometimes the break is just what the doctor ordered so to speak.

Hope this helps a bit.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#417878 - 12/01/12 08:06 PM Re: Wives and Husbands determining Orientation [Re: L84]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
L84 - this idea is a terrifying (only speaking from the spouse perspective) one, but only truly in the initial stages of recovery. When the bombs first started dropping in my marriage, I was constantly scared and searched desperately for status quo. Now that I am deeper into the process as a supporter, I truly support my husband's journey to know and love himself. Anything less than that seems bad for him and bad for me.

And whome passes along good advice, it is a process of building back a human being. Labeling and making firm decisions during this process only cause more pain.

#417965 - 12/02/12 11:32 PM - [Re: L84]
L84 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 35
Loc: USA

Edited by L84 (02/25/13 08:42 PM)

#418014 - 12/03/12 12:58 PM Re: Wives and Husbands determining Orientation [Re: L84]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome L84

Glad you r here and that you shared.

You need to do right by YOU.
Not everyone else.

Subsumng your truth and your feelings to others is a big part of why I have had so many troubles.

As a man who stopped acting out sexually after destroying my marriage and career and finances and role as a father (and rebuilt them in recovery)- I want to be clear in this question of "orientation".

My sexuality was damaged, sidetracked and hijacked by abuse- overt CSA, poor modeling and dysfunction in my family growing up- especially the behavior and attitudes my parents taught me.

Imho the main task is Getting ME back, getting to know me ("to know" is to be intimate and I shut down emotionally in that department years back and used sex to act out anger, desire for male connection, fear, and more.)

The image I get when I hear people outside or new to these circles when the "orientation" question comes up is this:

We are very Wounded soldiers are stumbling off a transport plane after being returned home after many years from a war zone. The war may be over on the Battle field, but we carry the scars and memories and horror and regret and grief and remorse and despair all the same.

And thirst thing people back here want to know about our war experience and woundedness is "are you a Democrat or Republican?" (I.e. whose side are you on, are you hetero or gay?)


It is an inappropriate, agenda-driven question that is asked out of fear, selfishness and ignorance.

A man's sexuality is a sacred thing for him to know and claim. I respect and stand for the integrity of every man to know his own sexuality and to find someone to share that with.

But I will fight for every abused man to heal his wounds. To own and speak his own truth without judgement or fear of being criticized about the painful path and struggles since the abuse-isolation, shame, depression, addiction, acting out and wading around in chaos.

I hope this is not too harsh a reply- I have lived this question and am happy to share my experience sorting out how I continue to reclaim my own healthy and affirming sexuality for me and the love of my life and how I am emotionally intimate with safe people in my life

That's it-I can have REAL love in my life today. That's a huge F.U. to my abusers.
It is also painful.

Happy to be on this journey with you, L84. Pm me anytime.

Ps. I see whome and Esposa also replied since I saw this- they speak honestly and powerfully.

Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/03/12 01:08 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#505693 - 01/14/17 11:59 PM Re: Wives and Husbands determining Orientation [Re: L84]
L84 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 35
Loc: USA
Mountainous Buck,

I just re-read this post...

Amazing!! Loved the directness and compassion.
I appreciate you and the words you spo9ken from hard earned wisdom and experience. So sorry that you (and fellow MS people) have had to go through what you've gone through, but you are a great example to press on to wholeness.

Maybe this will help some more people as it gets a re-visit/refresh.

Thank you Again,



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