Vulnerability, the unknown, and feeling not in control are all "scary". When they were vulnerable (childhood) serious pain occurred (CSA). Survival response kicks in- and that could be fight or flight. My H doesn't run- he pushes.
What do you mean by pushes? I feel like my spouse pushed me...tested me and is still testing me constantly. He has tried, without success, to make me call it quits. When he did everything he could possibly do to hurt me and realized that I wasn't leaving...he left. I don't get it though. I know it isn't about me - but it's still very hard to understand why someone would reject unconditional love, support and understanding.
I wonder if I had been lucky enough to get someone attached to me would she be here eventually trying to deal with the same issues?
You truly never know, but I think the fact that you are here and you are dealing with your past speaks volumes about the type of spouse you would be. You want to be healthy and you are working hard at it - that's very brave.
Call me Phidippides. I was simply too tired to keep running. A lot of my energy went into building walls and running to keep one step ahead of the hellhound on my trail.
I led an amazingly productive existence from age 17 to age 38. Then, 40 started looming-and with it the need to confront old demons head-on before they caught me from behind.
Do you have a lot of regrets about the running you did? Do you wish you had started confronting your demons much earlier? Sorry if too personal.
what made me finally stop running and face the truth was that i had no choice. i was backed into a corner. my wife knew somnething was wrong and had reached her limit. she said that unless i got help she would leave me. i was desperate for that not to happen. though i kept her at an emotional and physical distance, i knew i needed her and would be lost without her. faced with the loss of everything i valued, i went to counseling and both i and we have been making progress ever since (with a number of rocky ups and downs along the way.) And she has amazingly stuck by me all the way! don't know where i'd be without her ultimatum - or consistent, faithful perseverance!!!
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Much like your wife, I have been that one consistent, faithful, loving person in my spouses life. I have been his rock - no matter what. Unlike your wife, however, I never gave him an ultimatum or told him to "straighten up - or else". Was that where I went wrong? Is that what my he needed from me - for me to have a backbone?
I am just trying to understand him leaving - when he says he still loves me. When I see the pain in his eyes. When he tells me that he is evil and I deserve better.
All I want is for him to realize that he IS worth it, in my eyes. I wish he would stop running and believe that there is hope and things can get better.
This is just so hard.