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#417441 - 11/27/12 07:59 PM Misplaced Attraction?
seikei Offline

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
My friend and I were discussing the issue of misplaced attraction today. I'm sure there is a proper term for it, but that is the term we used during our conversation. Basically i'ts the concept that people are attracted to other people to make up for a separate distant relationship. In particular, we discussed whether or not CSA and a distant father could potentially lead a man to be attracted to other men. I know it sounds like we're playing into the hands of so called "exgay" groups, but believe we're not. We both concluded that there is some validity to it, but that this shouldn't automatically debunk the notion of different sexual orientations. Personally I used an example of how I am currently finding myself attracted to one of my professors. He's a great guy and he's really encouraging and I consider him something of a father figure. Yet I am extremely perturbed by the fact that I'm sexually attracted to him. Its a little embarrassing to say the least. Any of you guys out there had similar experiences?

Edited by seikei (11/27/12 08:39 PM)
Edit Reason: Typos

#417449 - 11/27/12 08:18 PM Re: Misplaced Attraction? [Re: seikei]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
Hey seikei! This is definitely an interesting thread you've posted.

I think that this idea of misplaced attraction may exist, but independent of sexual orientation. I believe that there is a difference between an admiration and intimacy (because of certain desired traits or qualities a person possesses) and actual attraction. I dunno, perhaps one is attracted to others more because of a certain role they play, but the attraction is still in accordance with their sexual identity.

For myself, I am a 21 year old gay male, and occasionally I have become extremely attracted to certain friends or male mentors because, asside from them being physically attractive, they represent a strong male-connection which I miss in my life, or they have certain qualities, which I would find in my ideal man. I have never been in a relationship before, and I do not quite know then what it is like to be fully in love with someone, with them loving me back. Sometimes it can be embarassing, as you've stated, because I feel that there is something genuine lost when I feel attracted to these men in my life. And I do not know if it is a sexual attraction (for example, I feel this attraction to my closest male friend, but sex with him would be terrible and ruin our friendship) or a yearning for closeness and fear that I might lose him in my life.

Wow...I don't know if I'm making any sense, but you brought up a good post and it is making my mind spiral...

One thing I can tell you, is that I knew I was gay before I was sexually abused by 100s of men online, and I had actually gone online to find other gay men... but it has been straight-identified men who have mainly been my perps. I wanted connection with men outside my family, and was taken advantaged of in the process.

,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#417534 - 11/28/12 12:38 PM Re: Misplaced Attraction? [Re: seikei]
wgrrcb Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 49

Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:34 PM)

#417593 - 11/28/12 11:23 PM Re: Misplaced Attraction? [Re: seikei]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2647
The concept of misplaced attractions is definitely something I can relate to. A few years ago, I had a mountain biking accident and separated my left shoulder. It was late fall, my arm was in a sling, and I was out of work for a few weeks. One snowy evening I went over to a friend's house, still in my sling, and we sat in front of the fire just talking and listening to music. Out of nowhere and completely unexpected, he reached out and caressed me. I mean his attraction to me was a total shock, and I was equally shocked at my own response - I just melted into him in a sort of surrender. I remember the Cowboy Junkies were playing Sweet Jane and we just started making out. He was a big guy and older - I felt so small in his arms. I didn't understand his feelings or my own - or why I even allowed things to progress almost to the point I may have regretted. It was as if I was given a powerful and addictive drug and it took every ounce of my willpower to break the spell.

Fast forward to last year. I spent a weekend alone in a cabin with the diary I kept when I was 12-13. I wouldn't admit a thing when I was writing to it - even though my "big brother" friend next door started molesting me that year. Still, my T told me to spend some quiet time with it - that I would hear that boy if I really listened. So when the journal reminded me that my arm was in a sling after a bike accident when the molestation began, I literally dropped the diary and had to catch my breath. I suddenly understood the dynamics with my friend in front of the fireplace that recent snowy evening.

If I never read the diary, I never would have remembered. It begs the question, does it not - how many other little triggers in our lives happen at every level every day? I suspect more than we can possibly imagine.

And to this day - as much as I love the song - I still can't listen to the CB's playing Sweet Jane.

#417649 - 11/29/12 05:04 PM Re: Misplaced Attraction? [Re: seikei]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Healthy relationships for men is key.

And keeping sex, sexuality, out of this equation is healing for me.

The relationships I had with men in my life as a kid were not healthy: a distant, angry, workaholic father with intimacy issues and an unhealthy marriage; an older brother who was sexually abused, addicted to drugs, and acting out; it wasn't a good place to learn safe, nurturing, and intimacy (nonsexual) male bonding. My sexual abuse cut me off from all relationships and I sought relief through school, drinking, and later athletics. Nothing really filled that wound, though.

There is a movie out called 'Absent" ( that addresses some of the wounds children receive from the lack of a father figure in their lives.

I guess the solution for us as adults is to find safe mentors who can relate to us in healthy ways and to continue to explore those relationships on different levels.

Untangling these mixed up messages and experiences is part of my journey-it can really suck at times when I uncover another seemingly hopeless tangle/knot.

A while back I realized how I experienced my bosses in so many of my work relationships as potential rapists: the old trauma echoes years later. Even today I am coming to grips to how much I value my physical ability to defend myself, and how my view of male bodies was affected by my abuse.

More levels and layers to work through, I guess.

I know I have a number of close male friends and the emotional intimacy and honesty is very healing. It is unlike anything I knew growing up, and learning to be vulnerable is hard.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#417714 - 11/30/12 02:25 AM Re: Misplaced Attraction? [Re: seikei]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
I believe it is called "Father Hunger".

I believe it could possibly be a good thing. (general mentorship). I also see a positive dynamic with adult same sex attraction.

I also see it as a very negative thing, if this attraction is used as an abuse of power. (especially in cases involving children).

In my eyes, it absolutely depends upon the situation. (and the absolute clarity of that situation). I have posts, dedicated to both sides of this coin. (My story part 1 and my surrogate story.

But of course, that is my truth and "your" experience may vary significantly. (to infinity and beyond).

My dad was a rager, no doubt.

House of Pain (Faster Pussycat)

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez


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