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#417136 - 11/25/12 05:48 AM Books for Spouses?
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
Does anybody know of any good self-help type books for spouses who have become the victim of our survivors abuse?

I am in real need of some help because I feel like I cannot go on.

I have no one I can talk to and the pain of the lies, deceit and betrayal are unlike anything I have ever experienced. At this point, I don't think I will ever heal.

Thank you.

#417152 - 11/25/12 11:28 AM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
Although written for survivors, I found Victims no Longer by Mike Lew to be very insightful, useful and empowering. There is a section at the back for supporters.

You will gain an understanding of your survivors experience and emotional situation as well as your own. It addresses your own self-care, discusses how to best be supportive and recommends walking away under certain circumstances.

#417153 - 11/25/12 11:31 AM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
I felt like I would never heal too, and was so far gone that I pondered not just ending my pain but how to. I thought I would never heal but I did. And I am stronger and a better person for all I've been through.

And you WILL heal too. I know this because you are here and you are reaching out. There are broad shoulders on this board. Lean on them.

#417170 - 11/25/12 03:25 PM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I've read "Nice to Meet Me", "Allies in Healing" and "Victims No Longer". Allies is the only one that comes remotely close to addressing partners of survivors but it is still pretty inadequate. Honestly, the only book that as done me any bit of good is the Al-ANon book "Paths to Recovery".

The fact is, your survivor is broken and will do everything to take you down with them if you do not protect yourself. Reading helps initially, coming here helps sporadically (because this forum is so poorly managed I often go away for long periods because of it), but the only thing that really works is therapy for yourself. Get it, use it, employ it. It will help.

But most of all: Detach. Your partner's demons are their demons. They definitely affect you, but only so much as you let them.

#417202 - 11/25/12 07:18 PM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I've read quite a few books on CSA recovery. And one of the best is Victims no Longer by Mike Lew. While it does have a chapter "For (and about) Partners, Family and Friends" he also states in the begining of the chapter "Unfortunately, one chapter cannot deal adequately with so complex a situation." While it has really good information in it, it is looking at things with a perspective of a survivor trying to heal.

There is a preview to the book "Allies in Healing" and you can see what chapters are in the book.

Depending on where you are a number of books could be available from your local library. But few will even come close to what you need right now.

I think what you have to do is to protect yourself. You have, and are, suffering from abuse. And all the time trying to help your abuser.

Most of us that suffered CSA developed coping mechanisms. And they helped us get through the abuse. I think you have to have some seperation, if not physical at least emotional. You need time to heal. Only then do I think you can consider helping him if you still choose to.

If you don't have anyone locally you can turn to then see if someone here will help you, communicating with private messages.

#417265 - 11/26/12 08:05 AM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
A book that I tell all spouses to read is Co-Dependent no more by Melody Beattie.
A lot of partners refuse to believe that they have been manipulated and Cajoled into doing things to make their partners lives better at the expense of their own. There is nothing wrong with being Co Dependent but it is an issue that needs to be resolved so that you can begin to function as an independent person.
There is nothing wrong with having empathy for your partner and living your own life, but there is a big problem with living life in order to keep him happy.

I strongly recommend that you read this book. Its pointless trying to heal someone else but it makes more sense to heal yourself. Having insight into his condition is a benefit to you, but you cannot make him want to heal.

I hope that this helps a bit.
Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#423240 - 01/26/13 05:26 AM Re: Books for Spouses? [Re: outoflove]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
It has been my experience that there is no one good book that encompasses everything. I pull pieces from a variety of sources to try to address my needs. His needs are covered very well by the books mentioned above. If your husband was unfaithful, a huge impediment to my ability to help my husband, you should try Cindy Beall's Healing your marriage when trust has been broken." Also Janis Spring "After the Affair" is good. For info on male CSA try SAM, by Spiegel (expensive and kind of difficult to read--it's a text book--but worth it). There is a book by Cecil someone called "When the Man you Love was abused." It's a great, easy to read primer about CSA, and it has a section for partners, but in no way shape or form does it address the accompanying behaviors that sometimes ride shotgun with male adult survivors. So no mention of porn, or infidelity, or alcohol abuse, or drug abuse, or rage. So the steps it gives for the wives/partners works only if you are a robot. If you have any kind of pain or hang up of your owns, you have to subjugate those to deal with his trauma. I'm not a therapist, but I can't help but feel that is a bad idea for any extended period of time. Allies in Healing was OK. I found this board to be a God-send, and I recently found a Christian board for women who have husbands with "sexual integrity" problems. Not explicitly CSA related but from reading the stories, whether they know it or not, there is a pretty good chance that more than a few of them are dealing with the fallout of some CSA based on the behavior they are describing. That website is I don't think I saw anyone mention the book Evicting the Perpetrator and if your partner has a porn addiction, Patrick Carnes, Shadow of the Net may help you to understand that a little better. I hope this helps.
Wife of a survivor


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