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#416771 - 11/21/12 06:13 AM He isn't ready to talk, I want to share...
wrldtrvlr Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 10
I'm sure there will be a difference of opinion here, but I'll ask anyway.

My bf told me about his trauma three days ago. I found this website and other goodies that I would like to share with him, but he says he's not ready yet. I sent him the link to this website and he says he browsed it, but thats all. What's the protocol for sharing what I perceive to be good and hopeful with someone who is not ready to talk about his trauma?

#416790 - 11/21/12 12:23 PM Re: He isn't ready to talk, I want to share... [Re: wrldtrvlr]
WayTooConfused Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
Before I get started, please keep in mind that in your situation, obviously there are many details that you have not disclosed. As for me, personally, my incidents happened 22+ years ago. It took me that long to talk to anyone about it. And through my personal situation, after an unexpected event with my ex-wife, it had pushed me to think about "IT." Then it took me about a month of deep insight before I was able to talk to someone openly about "IT." For me -- A heterosexual male who was was victimized by other males -- is a very difficult topic to talk about. If your bf isn't ready to talk about "IT" at the moment -- don't push him! As long your bf isn't getting violent or depressed, (then if needed go and seek some professional help for the both of you) but give him his space and let him sort through his own emotions. In my opinion, he is already talking to you about "IT." His discussing "IT" is just slow in your observations. Just let him go and release at his own rate. You'll get there. It'll just take some time.
Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

#416804 - 11/21/12 02:35 PM Re: He isn't ready to talk, I want to share... [Re: wrldtrvlr]
Jwmcd2 Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 110
Clearly stating what you want for him to get from this site might be a good approach. "there are a lot of guys out there with similar stories to yours" or "it's more common than people would think". Then leave him a little note somewhere with the name of the site and such.

He'll likely want a little space but encourage him by saying "I'm still here for you". Know that a lot of guys tend to try and push away right after they tell something, but gently remind him that you've not left him. "Smothering" about this issue will probably result in backlash, so please don't try and make him share more than he wants to at first.

Hope this helps

#416871 - 11/22/12 04:02 AM Re: He isn't ready to talk, I want to share... [Re: wrldtrvlr]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
My opinion.

Of course we know nothing about your BF and how he feels about anything. Where his head is at. How he has reacted to stresses in the past.

Your BF needs help. But is he going to harm himself or others if he does not seek it out immediately? If the answer is no then don't push. I'm sure he is very confused right now. Other than that who knows.

But if he says he is not ready then maybe he really is not ready.

You obviously want the best for him but I don't think that you have any idea how difficult it is to deal with this for most of us.

When I finally started looking at my sittuation I started by reading books on the subject. I was surprised that two of the first three books I read cautioned against dealing with it if you didn't have a good support network. You really don't know what will happen.

I have just scratched the surface and I can tell you that if things had not been so fucked up for me I would rather have left it alone.

He only told you about it three days ago. What's the rush? Its not like this can be dealt with quickly.

I have not told my story here yet. I'm not ready. But I'll tell you a bit about my disclosure to two partners at work. We are part owners in the bussiness. One I have worked with for fifteen years. The other was hired a couple of years later. Other than one friend and my brother, and maybe my sister (in her case love but maybe not trust so much), these two people are who I trust the most. (as much as a CSA survivor can trust) And partner one connect the best with.

I decided that I had to tell the first one about my CSA. It took me almost a year. I tried and tried and tried. I would play it all out in my head and I would end up in tears. Trying to disclose tore me to pieces. After almost a year of trying I finally wrote a leter explaining things and I had two sentences stating that I was sexually abused as a child and that I was trying to deal with it.

With my second partner I told months after the first partner. It took two hours before I was able to get to the CSA. I was barely able to get the words "sexual abuse" out of my mouth. It was so hard. With him I also had a document package with information from different sources on the effects left by the abuse. This in order to give him a better understanding.

A couple of months later I wanted to give that same set of documents to the first partner. I had them in a folder and all I had to do is walk to his office and give it to him. I got half way there and ducked into my lab when I panicked. I cried there for twenty-five minutes. But I refused to retreat. I calmed down (somewhat) and then continued. I made it to his doorway but I couldn't go in. I took the right door and ducked into our lunchroom. There I stood trying not to cry, often failing, for about fifteen minutes. My partner unaware on the other side of the wall. Partner two came into the lunchroom and saw I was upset, he said something, if he could help. I shook my head and he left me alone. I finally was able to give it to partner one and a couple of words. Like "something I want you to read when you get the chance".

I have not told about my abuse. Only that it happened. And then provided information about the effects. And this took 15 months.

While we are all different, and have different experiences, but the CSA has effected us to the core. This is not like a broken arm where we just go in and have it dealt with. I wish it were that simple.

Give him time. Learn what you can. Try to not let the CSA dominate your relationship.

#417082 - 11/24/12 04:51 PM Re: He isn't ready to talk, I want to share... [Re: wrldtrvlr]
frankie72 Offline

Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 37
Loc: Australia
Hi wrldtrvlr,

I read you other post along with this one, and just wanted to give you my opinion.

From my own experience, I can say that being able to open up and talk about my abuse is a really difficult thing to do. I know talking is supposed to help, but for me on the rare times I have shared my experience, it brings up a lot of bad memories, and the feelings attached with it. I've only just realised that by opening up, I have actually been pushing those same people away, possibly as some form of defense mechanism to keep myself isolated.

The only thing I can suggest is to let him know you have been researching, and trying to understand what he is experiencing. However don't push him to open up, as it may drive him further away. Let him know you are trying to understand, and you will be there for him when he is ready.

I've only found this site recently myself, and I think that by letting him know about this site, he may come here and find the same thing I have - that he is not alone in how he feels, and there are people he can talk to that understand what he has experiened.

It may very well be he opens up here before he talks to you about things. If that is the case, don't take it in a nagative way. Just be greatful he is taking steps to open up and improve his life.

#417402 - 11/27/12 08:08 PM Re: He isn't ready to talk, I want to share... [Re: wrldtrvlr]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453

Thanks for posting your question. What your BF is dealing with is not the province of amateurs. Like others have said above, this is serious, and he likely needs help from a professional. It is a good idea to steer him toward this site, for instance, and there's a wealth of literature. I, for one, haven't been able to read any books on the subject. Like Frankie, I'm not one to "disclose" anything. I mean, I'm not talking about lead paint on a house, here. This is my business and my wife's. My brother was involved in the abuse. I haven't talked to him about it and don't intend to. My parents looked the other way, and I have no interest in disclosing to them. I would NEVER have come to grips with the abuses that happened to me, because I was too ashamed, too scared, too angry, confused, humiliated and utterly lacking in the vocabulary and other tools necessary to deal with it. It's TOUGH!

So I'm proud of your bf for raising the issue. But I'm wondering why he did. Like what sparked him? I hope it's an effort for him to open up and improve his life. It could be any number of reasons. But to tell the truth, many of us who have been abused don't know how to improve our lives. That's really the root of the problem. If we did, we wouldn't find ourselves stumbling to the therapists office in our 30s, 40s, and 50s after we had otherwise "figured" out our lives!

Good luck to you. Be true to yourself, and demand the same from those you love in your life.



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