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#41708 - 11/09/06 08:41 AM Finally Hit (My Story)
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
First of all, I'm so happy I found this site. I don't want to sound dramatic and I apologize if I do. However, the flood gates opened for me five months ago in regards to my sexual abuse as a child. I don't know where to begin. I just know that I'm in a lot of emotional pain and suffering from PTSD. I'm constantly crying, anxious, having panic attacks and feeling sick. I was in grad school and employed full time as a teacher. I was in a relationship with a women that I was in love with. I think I was. Intimacy is a tough issue. I took a leave of absence from my job and don't want to go back. It brings back so many memories for me as a kid when I was struggling. I think I started teaching to become a protector of kids because I didn't want anyone to hurt them like I was. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I found a good therapist where I live and I'm happy about that. However, I'm really overwhelmed and the PTSD has really screwed my head up. It's been such a roller coaster ride. Its very hard for me to make sense right now and I'm not sure how to write this. I was sexually abused when I was 11 for six straight months. Now I'm starting to see why my life has gone the way it has. I'm so angry about things. I never knew why I was sabotaging things in my life and now I know why. My insides feel shredded. I've been sober for six years and I'm proud of that. I just want to get a life and deal with things. I feel hopeless right now. Once again, I'm sorry if I'm all over the place and sound dramatic. Thanks for reading.


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#41709 - 11/09/06 09:52 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
MDR
you want dramatic? You should read some of my early posts! You're not being dramatic. You've got a million feelings all at once. It's a hell of a rollercoaster ride and one you just have to ride out. Welcome. Also glad you found this site. I did not deal with my abuse for 40 years. Talk about bottling things up! There are some really wise, caring souls on this site. They saved my life and gave me some really good advice. Stick around, post, rant, rave, cry. We'll all be here for you.
Take care
Paul


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#41710 - 11/09/06 10:15 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
FormerTexan Offline
Administrator

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12093
Loc: Denver, CO
MDR,

I think you'll find many here who can relate to what you are sharing. Sorry you needed to come here, but..welcome.

_________________________
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#41711 - 11/09/06 10:37 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
Guys,

Thanks for your replies. I just feel like things will never get better. However, I do have hope. I've always had a strong spirit and I'll keep fighting. I'm not sure If I'm going back to my old job right now. What kind of jobs would be good for me now? Physical labor? I'm in a real bind and have to move out of my apartment. I have to get caught up on some bills. For the moment, this has really wrecked things for me. If there are any suggestions on how to handle things, please let me know. I'm open to anything.


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#41712 - 11/09/06 11:44 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
MDR,

Welcome to male Survivor! Paul gave you very good advice when he said "Stick around, post, rant, rave, cry. We'll all be here for you".

Unfortunately, there is no quick and easy way "out of this" mess. You have to take it step by step and work your way "through it". I'm glad that you found a good therapist; mine has been worth his weight in gold!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#41713 - 11/09/06 11:58 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
MDR,

Welcome! Glad you found us, but so sorry for the reason you needed to come here.

Your Post sounds like you were describing my life 3 years ago. It could just as easily have been written about me. The emotional pain was overwhelming. I was crying all the time, etc. I'd like to say it just suddenly got better but that's not the case. Ever so slowly, day by day, some days good, other days pretty pathetic, but always slowly improving if I was willing to do the work, things just got better.

I talked in therapy. I talked in Group. I talked like no body's business when I found this place. I talked. I expressed how I feel and other's have expressed how they feel. I've gotten angry and I've cried a million tears. You know what? In the process of expending all that emotion I learned. I learned why I feel the way I feel. I learned how to cope, I learned that recovery is possible. I learned so many things, but most important of all, I learned that the abuse was NOT my fault. I learned to love myself once again, and in so doing I learned to love others and how to be vulnerable to others without losing my "soul" when they hurt me.

Stick around here with us and walk this path with us. There's strength in numbers, Bro. We'll help you along, and you'll find that you in turn are able to help us. Whoever said "No man is an island" was referring to this place. It's a cooperative venture, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#41714 - 11/09/06 07:06 PM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
MDR, this is great news I am very happy for you.

Welcome to MS it is a great place to share your feelings. The guys here are the best.

Hang in there,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#41715 - 11/10/06 02:10 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
MDR Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 48
My anger is in full effect today. Thinking about the past and how things went. Can't catch a damn break from things. I often dream about them, how scared of life I was back then (still scared today), wasted opportunities. I can't believe how much this affected my life. The low self esteem and negativity that was inside (again still there). Sometimes I just wish I could find those guys and take care of them my self. That wouldn't solve a thing. I have nothing right now. I just want to be normal in time. Whatever normal is. I think its just a cycle on a washing machine. I feel like a ghost when I go outside and see people that are being productive and living life. It saddens me because I have so much to offer. Crying turns into laughter and laughter turns into crying. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on friday and he said that he'll prescribe meds for me. I wish I could talk with someone face to face who is going through this. I'm glad I'm here.


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#41716 - 11/10/06 03:51 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
Loc: HULBERT OK
We have all felt angry ,upset and confused at one time of another . Sexual abuse has made a mess out of most of our lives . The thing that I found that helps me is to find something that makes you happy . It doesn't have to be a major thing. Go fishing or just take a walk . I collect license plates of all sorts . I gives me something to keep my mind bussy .
Just remember that you are not alone and we do care

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#41717 - 11/11/06 10:36 PM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad I found this place and glad I am still around.

Hug MDR

Things do improve the longer you heal.

GLad you are here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can relate to what you said about your abuse, and that is why we are here. To take care of eachother and ourselves.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#41718 - 11/12/06 05:19 PM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
MDR15,
The flood waters will recede and the hope you are looking for will be hanging on to you.
Day by day it will get stronger.

You have reached the right place and put your seat belt back on, the road will be a bit bumpy now and then. Then it's back to enjoying life as a participant, not a bystander.

_________________________
??

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#41719 - 11/15/06 12:58 AM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
Lantern Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 55
Loc: UK
Quote:
Originally posted by MDR:
I feel like a ghost when I go outside and see people that are being productive and living life. It saddens me because I have so much to offer.
I know how that feels. Every time someone says to me something like "you're a good guy" or "you're good at [x]", it just guts me because I feel I have wasted my personality - my life - or, I think it's just futile to expend any effort on trying to do anything because it's bound to fail, and it's even harder for something I might care about because knowing I've failed at something I really enjoy would be impossible to bear.

Sometimes people trying to be understanding makes the pain worse.

_________________________
It's not what you've lost, but it's what you've found

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#41720 - 11/26/06 10:34 PM Re: Finally Hit (My Story)
lnadjsml Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/26/06
Posts: 1
MDR --

I just wanted to let you know how incredibly similar your own story is to mine, including age and biographical details. When I read your posts, I can see your ups and downs and they remind me of myself. But its funny, because when you are pissed off or hopeless, it is much easier for me to recognize that you're just beating yourself up. Seeing when I am doing the same thing is very, very hard. That whole rush of feelings and craziness that you described upon first getting here sounds very healthy.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know someone is out here reading what you wrote and rooting for you (and all of us) to take your life in your own hands and never feel that horrible sense of doom and failure again.

_________________________
The arc of history is long but it curves towards justice. -- MLK

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