Newest Members
meekness, jake1985, cactus8, Neil Benesh, blazzeee
13532 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyrus (47), Dupe1978 (39), James_Is_Talking (39), K-man (61), LordShiningStarr (39), ricky (54), Shawn Hope (32), teresa (45), Warner82 (35)
Who's Online
3 registered (betrayed boy, SDD757, 1 invisible), 62 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,532 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,392 Topics
491,577 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#416893 - 11/22/12 06:41 AM a mess
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I'm a mess. Feeling sorry for myself. I see the CSA as a wall between the survivor and the rest of the world. A wall between my H and me. He says he isn't ready to deal with "it". I say okay what choice do I have? Feeling so alone I guess I will just focus on my career on myself and let the sleeping dogs lie. Being alone is so much easier when you are by yourself.
Everything comes from within

#416919 - 11/22/12 12:14 PM Re: a mess [Re: HD001]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI HD cry

Sorry to hear that he does not want to deal with the CSA. Its really sad though. In AA we have a saying, you will know a new freedom, its actually one of the promises, and this is so true for those of us that have chosen to deal with our CSA, we heal and we find a new freedom, free from doubt, self loathing, fear, and insecurities. Sorry that he does not want that for himself yet.
Its sad to say, but yes, focus on yourself, your career, put yourself first, go out with friends, treat yourself to a Spa treatment, a weekend away. LIVE, HAVE FUN.
You will see that at least your life will improve, perhaps he will get lonely and if he wants to join you, well then you have those lovely terms and those lovely boundaries in place, that many of us hate, that he must adhere to

You only have one life, live it.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#417068 - 11/24/12 08:39 AM Re: a mess [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
thank you for the reply,

I feel worn to bone
Grey and ashen as the day is long
what is to be gleaned from such a state?
I know this feeling
I was here 10 years before
thought I had earned the right to never return
empty and quiet
I pray a lot
God says stay my child for you have much to learn
Shit haven't I learned enough
I watch my friends
happily married and posting pictues
I cry
Go to see the therapist
She says be kind for thick walls protect his soft heart
yeah I know they do why can't he be ready to grow up when I need him to?
The fires on my tantrum
I am liked and popular outside my home
Men try for my affection while I try for relief from his sorrow
dear husband I love you so why don't you trust me?
We could have such a beautiful life
Like we wanted like we dreamed
we could see the world while we count stars
but we only watch tv
maybe we just want different things
Everything comes from within


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.