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#416879 - 11/22/12 04:35 AM Lonliness and hope
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
The one thing I have dealt with since I was a young boy was lonliness. That is one thing I could do without. I remember having anxiety as early as 3 before my abuse at 8. I have never been able to sleep my whole life. Every time I go to sleep I hate it. I am afraid to go to sleep, it's like death to me. When Im with a girl it's o.k. I like to study social dynamics and go out and work on it but it's not enough. People are so complex, it's like this society is so closed minded and stand offish. I tell my family about my goals of having tons of friends and girls and it's like no one understands, like they just look at me with blank faces almost like they think it's not possible. I am so pissed because what's wrong with wanting to have tons of friends and girls? Is it illegal to go for this? I am sick of these rigid closed minded people.

#416892 - 11/22/12 06:36 AM Re: Lonliness and hope [Re: sportinrucks]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I think we all just want to be accepted and feel like we fit in.

Over the years, I have learned to settle for a few close friends. Being in large groups of people who don't know the truth about my past, just makes me feel more lonely.

As for girls, I have tried to use sex to kill the loneliness in the past. It just made it worse, because there is no intimacy in having sex with someone who doesn't even know you... and being physically intimate with someone while being completely shut off, emotionally, is one of the loneliest places I've ever been.. frown So I settled for committing to one girl, even though that came with its own army of daemons... Being able to be both physically AND emotionally intimate with someone, is worth all the fear and stress that comes with a relationship. To me, anyway. YMMV.
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#417292 - 11/26/12 04:38 PM Re: Lonliness and hope [Re: sportinrucks]
monkey Offline

Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
I can empathize with you there. I felt lonely all my life, craving friendships that meant something. Not superficial. I wanted meaningful. But I didn't find those relationships(in males and females) until I opened up about my story. Had gone with my life for 46 years of feeling outcast and not really knowing why. Suddenly when I went seeking for male friendship and talking deep issues and then revealing my CSA story, did I find that I'm not as fucked up as I thought I was. They had their own issues(not CSA), but needed that same kind of companionship. This is not to say I no longer feel lonely. Still do. I don't have any survivor near me to physically be a friend that I can just pop on over to hang out with and have some connection. I do have you wonderful online buddies. But I am such a social butterfly, I seek out friendship where I can. I also feel lonely in my marriage, because I emotionally shut myself off from my wife. There are lots of issues we have to deal with. Trust being one of them. I am so close to her in relation that I hinder my progress and feel lonely because of it. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. So I tend to go find others to make me feel good.

I am an oxymoron wink
The Flower Unfolding


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