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#416867 - 11/22/12 03:26 AM My reality
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
I'm alone.
I have isolated myself from absolutely everyone.
It is too painful to deal with people.
My life has become a black hole.
The depths of my despair are too great to overcome.
I tried therapy.
I quit.
It didn't matter.
Nothing I do ever matters.
I keep trying.
I keep giving.
Dream of one day it all being worth it.
But I don't see an end.
I don't see a future.
It has been ripped away.
Can no longer hide my feelings from the world.
Instead I have gone into hiding.
Wrapping myself up in this darkness.
He is my life and my love.
Without him I am done.
I have never been good enough.
For anyone.
I want it to end.
I'm tired.
My heart is getting weak.
Please just let it end.
I am ready.

#416868 - 11/22/12 03:45 AM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
Hey, you know what my friend? Tonight was an extreme low point in my life, and don't know how to continue--- but you know WHAT?! It will. Stay in there my friend. You posted this for a reason, for it to be read by others. We feel your pain, we are here with you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I know it is hard to see that hope, and it is confusing in this darkness, but link your arm with mine, and with the arms of your fellow survivors, and we will make it there safe and sound. Your life will get better. I had been isolating myself as well, but making those connections are just so vital and you have already done it.

I am here with you.

Sending you my love and my hugs

Edited by JayBro (11/22/12 03:47 AM)
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#416870 - 11/22/12 04:02 AM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
You are good enough... Be good enough for yourself. I understand the loneliness and isolation, but you can reach out, as you have done tonight. You can and will receive love in return. Your survivor's battle is his own. Please try not to take any of it personally. His choices are not a reflection of your worth, they are a reflection of how he feels about his own worth. Show him by example what it is to love oneself wholly and unconditionally. Do this for him, and do this for yourself. Seek therapy, seek friendship, but please know you are never alone. We stand witness to your pain. We have all been there (read my Thought that Keep Me Up at Night Threads to know I have felt similar pain, confusion and isolation), but life is like an ocean; it is fluid and there is always an upswing. Ride out this storm. You are worth it and you always will be. (((HUG))) please don't ever give up on yourself. You are precious and your life has purpose. This purpose may not have yet revealed itself, but be patient and it will. Inner joy is attainable by all of us.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#416886 - 11/22/12 05:35 AM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
You ARE good enough. I don't know what you are going through but I feel your pain. I also have pain. And I had so much pain that I could not feel anything anymore. I was so numb. Hollow. Beyond dispair into nothing. My will to live was gone. And I didn't care.

I also isolated myself. I could not bare contact any longer.

I don't know what happend. I can't remember much of it. But what I do know is that after all this I somehow decided that I DESERVED better.

You are good enough. YOU deserve better. You ARE worth it.

Slowly things got better for me. Very slowly, but bit by bit, I came up from the pit of dispair. I still have far to go, and I am still very fragile, but I know it will be better. Because no matter what I deserve better.

You deserve better too.

Just rest a while. Take it easy. Your strength WILL recover. You will come through this as I have.

And we are here for you.

#416931 - 11/22/12 02:42 PM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:43 AM)

#416988 - 11/23/12 11:03 AM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
WayTooConfused Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
I wish that my ex-wife had had your strength.
Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

#417000 - 11/23/12 03:45 PM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
I am nothing.
All of these years...
Were they lies?
Pushed down so far
I doubt will ever get up.
I trusted
I loved
I gave everything
To someone who threw me away
Not once
But multiple times
Like I meant nothing
Vows broken
The betrayal is the worst
Lies Lies Lies
Why was I not good enough
What is wrong with me?
He wanted to hurt me
Told me to my face
But why?
Never good enough.
Took everything I had
Nothing left.
I have been ruined.
Wounds too deep to heal
Bleed out.
I wish.
Not meant to be happy.
My entire life.
For him.

#417004 - 11/23/12 04:59 PM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think you have to work towards living your life for you. Living your life for him might have been OK if he in turn loved and respected you. And that would have to be the minimum requirement for his part.

The problem is with him and not with you.

#417007 - 11/23/12 06:13 PM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
You took a beautiful soul
And you crushed it
Just like your abuser
How did you become
This wretched person
Selfish and cold
Uncaring and hate-filled
Looking at me with disgust
Telling others lies about me
Blaming me
Tell me it's my fault
I did this to myself
Your words are ringing in my ears
Choosing to love you
Care for you, be your wife
Stand by you through everything
When will you stop tormenting me?
When will you see things
For what they truly are?
I loved you.
I stood by you.
I trusted in you.
Took care of you when you were sick.
Cooked and cleaned.
Supported every step.
All I wanted in return was love.
A partner.
A husband.
Why could you not give me that?
Why did you turn on me?
When did I become so ugly
That you took your life out on me?
You have beaten me.
You won.
Is this what you wanted?
For me to feel your pain?
Nobody deserves this.
Not me and certainly not you.
You love your abuser.
And I do too.
Because my abuser is you.

Edited by outoflove (11/23/12 06:17 PM)

#417008 - 11/23/12 07:08 PM Re: My reality [Re: outoflove]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
What does that mean - Live for yourself?
To me this means absolutely nothing.

To me, life is about love. It is about relationships and giving.

Living for myself? It makes no sense to me. Does this mean buying myself a new outfit - getting my hair or nails done? All superficial band-aid fixes. Stuff like this would probably make me feel better for about 5 minutes. Then, it's back to the loneliness of the real world - minus the money I just spent on "myself".

Everyone tries to make it sound so simple.
"It's not your problem, it's his."
"You need to focus on yourself."

It's not that easy. Is it easy for a survivor to overcome their abuse? To move forward - to move onwards? No.

The same goes for many of us spouses. It's not easy to move on. To let go. To forget about someone who is in so much pain.

Live for myself.

How am I supposed to live for myself when the person I care about most is dying on the inside?

When someone becomes a piece of your heart, they become a part of you.

No it's not so easy to just move on.

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