Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
darkangel116 (39), eddyg (50), lileddie (61), mrmold (65), Pieter (57), shawna (39), Thomas1701 (29)
Who's Online
6 registered (Searching13, GT13568, betrayed boy, zookeeper, 2 invisible), 26 Guests and 1 Spider online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,680 Topics
493,625 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#416858 - 11/22/12 12:49 AM The Family and Friends Board Upset Me
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I decided to venture onto the Family and Friends board. I read one post and I immediately began to feel my anger level rise.

The myth that men who are sexually abused go on to become abusers is complete BS. And yet, I can't help but feel pigeon holed into that category. It seems that at every corner men continue to be denied the resources to heal and recover. And societal support, whether the structured or through peers is in fact a resource. How can we ever heal if we feel alienated all the time? By the same token, if men who are sexually abused go on to become abusers, then the same can be said about women. And yet we don't extend that logic to women. That is the a huge double standard.

What do men have to do to raise awareness about these issues? Do I have to scream at the top of my lungs until someone hears me? Have we not suffered long enough? As if those of us actively pursuing recovery and healing should be lumped into the same category as the very people who abused us. That does not bode well with me, at all. I understand the need to protect children, but does it not seem logical to have those who's childhoods were destroyed lead the crusade. Who better to inform and spread awareness than someone who has seen the horrors of sexual abuse?

This infuriates me. The poster has a reason to want to protect her children, and I respect that 100%. I just feel like we're always swimming against the current. There is a lack of services for men in general, the help that is out there is in short supply or geared to women, we are not allowed as men to be victimized, and society condemns us by assuming we are all going to turn into perpetrators. The odds are stacked against us.

What kills me is the fact that everyday I come here at MS and read post after post where men are pouring themselves out. Finally admitting to the hurt that's inside, and it wrenches me and my eyes fill with tears. It hurts to hear your stories, but I want every man on this board to know that I will hear you. Every plea and every effort to reach out, I will not deny you. It hurts me more than anything to hear that ME and YOU are being thrown into the same group of people that killed our childhoods. We have worked damn hard to get here, and we deserve to be heard and we deserve a life worth living.

That's the end of my rant. Heal well brothers.

I am the warrior.

#416859 - 11/22/12 12:54 AM Re: The Family and Friends Board Upset Me [Re: Letourski]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i hear you, Daniel. and agree. good vent!

i have stopped going to F & F - except very occasionally - because i often get triggered worse there than any other place.

so - take care of your self, man - we are here for you.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#416863 - 11/22/12 02:30 AM Re: The Family and Friends Board Upset Me [Re: Letourski]
nltsaved Offline

Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 938
Loc: Kc,Mo
I hate the fact that somehow even though i could Never lay a hand on another child , I think because I have been Very public about my abuse and on some levels still advocate male sexuel abuse .
I still can not shake the feeling that I do not even want to be left alone with anyones child for fear of their thoughts or my own insecurities it sucks . I am a youth minister and there are some kids i no i could spend a little more one on one time to be a positive male influence in there life but I am literally terrified that people would automatically assume the worst . Not only is it a personal dilemma for me it is a spiritual issue as well because i should trust God and i no the enemy does nor want me to influence these kids in a godly manner and if i no god did not put the spirit of fear in man i should renounce this and just do what he has called me to so , i no i am borderline with the spirituality talk in this forum so enough about that

The only way to get over this is to be vocal to speak up and speak out if we only think about these things bur never do anything about it mainly for fear also about what others think than we will keep going round in circles

So starting now i guess i will be doing my part as a survivor that is now
a thriver to bring more awareness to this issue and confront my own issues head on.
I will talk to my pastor about my issues for guidance on how to handle the kids i feel a need to work with and even involve the parent so that everything is out and the issue gets confronted instead of living in this fear while others will suffer and i would continue suffering by not confronting the issue .

So i guess while reading your post and in the midst of replying i have had a spiritual revelation to stop running and just choose to be vocal about this and just not allow it to control me the same way my abuse used to control me until i confronted my abuse and spoke up about it and confronted it

Now this is what i got out of this whole thing i am not implying that you have not dealt with this issue or telling you or anyone else what to do or how to do it
i am just saying for me this is what i have to do
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus

#416865 - 11/22/12 02:52 AM . [Re: Letourski]
ALovingMum Offline

Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 51

#416889 - 11/22/12 06:06 AM Re: The Family and Friends Board Upset Me [Re: ALovingMum]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: ALovingMum
Most importantly, but you know that it is not true that sexually abused children go one to become sexual abusers - absolutely not true!

Thank you. I'm glad some people know this, and please continue to spread this truth. But -
Originally Posted By: ALovingMum
What is a however true, though very sad, is that most paedophiles and sexual molesters were at some point sexually abused in their childhood!

Not true.

It is true that most convicted sex-offenders CLAIM to have been sexually abused, but the moment researchers started using lie detectors, the figure dropped to 30%. This article suggests that even that is grossly exaggerated.

Also read my blog posts on the matter here and here.

IMO, this myth is much loved by the media, and by defence attorneys, because it is so effective at drumming up support and sympathy for sick men (and women) who callously destroy defenceless children's lives and souls, for their own pleasure, regardless of whether it is about power and dominance, or sex.

These people do not deserve ANY sympathy.

#416890 - 11/22/12 06:14 AM Re: The Family and Friends Board Upset Me [Re: Letourski]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Thank you for the support. Lee, as always your support means much to me. NTL, I am glad this post was able to shine a light into an area that you have struggled with.


Thank you for your validation. I greatly appreciate the time and effort you put into your post. This is a place of healing and recovery, and one that has saved my life. I come here every day, read many posts and support in any way I can. I learn about myself, about others, and about recovery. I know the work that goes into healing. I have done it, I am still doing it, and I will continue to do it.

I was angry when I wrote the post, but now that some time has elapsed, I realize I was hurt. Hurt because I too want to have the chance to be a father, and having that chance stripped away from me for something I never chose angered me. We all strive to be good men, we are good men. Everyone of us. I took these feelings and posted them on my blog.

Heal well brothers. And thanks again for your replies. Feels good to be validated.


I am the warrior.

#416969 - 11/23/12 02:04 AM Re: The Family and Friends Board Upset Me [Re: Letourski]
seikei Offline

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
I'm sorry to hear about your experience Leoturski. Personally I've never encountered any opinions like this in the family and friends section...but I can imagine. People are just so misinformed in general. Don't let ignorance hinder you to keep on going. I'm sure one day you will be rewarded with a loving partner and an even more loving child.


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.