Hi, my fraternal brothers.
Well this old boy is back again. This has been a rough past few months for me, and it has everything to do with female abuse. Just about everything in my life has to do with a young boy named Pete...me & his "mom."
It's well documented here in this MS site & I won't repeat what has been written here.
Modern technology is a wonderful thing. From e-mails to Skype.
One of our computer savvy brothers here whom I'm sharing his home & life with (obi) introduced me to this marvel of communications called Skype this last weekend.
Yesterday, I get a skype phone call from Germany & it was from my boys, son & grandsons, I was astounded to say the least.
Here I am in instant contact with the loves of my life, inter acting with them just as if we were sitting in the same room together, except they were 5000+ miles and a continent away.
I have always said that perhaps those boys could live without their grandpa, but could their grandpa live without them?
I almost got my answer to that question 8 months later when everything was coming down on top of me.
Whenever I was with my boys, I was usually calm & serene as my mind was on a young boy named Pete, as he was that boy interacting with his grand kids as they were his age back then I had bonded with them as that young boy. I had to move away from them in order to be able to move on in my recovery. Because If I had stayed with them I would never had been able to move out of my lost childhood stage in recovery.
So, what does all that have to do with your main concern or "survivors" of female abuse?
Well because of everything that my "mom," had done to me would dictate how I would live the rest of my life, emotionally & mentally, in mind, body & soul.
My struggles are well documented here in various forums. With my brothers in PM's & in our Healing Circles. And right here with the person whom opened his heart & home to me, obi.
It's a particularly difficult period for me especially around Thanksgiving Day. A day that I relive every Thanksgiving Day for the last 60 years. When I already formed my hate & fear of females. I would hold those beliefs for all of my adult life.
In these past few months I have been having some sort of an emotional connection toward a few females, something that I have never experienced before. Not even for my wife of almost 40 years.
My new found emotional feelings for females if for three females, all of whom have serious & life ending diseases.
My new found emotion has come mainly for my best friends wife who has been slowly dying before his eyes for the past year. She is very close to death. She is in a comatose state & the "experts" feel that she is in her final days, hours & minutes, and yet she is still with us. Her husband is right at her side holding her hand, talking to her & kissing her. Never leaving her side except to go to the bathroom. I have been with them off and on these past few months, as when ever I have an appointment at the VA medical center there I will stay with them for a few days or a week.
How this new found emotional feelings came about is posted elsewhere, under a Woman, a Gay boy/man & an ice cream. I sit here at this computer with my emotions flowing, I'll get choked up, my nose will drip, my ears will get hot & a few tears will come down my cheeks. I had made an emotional connection with her.
The same goes for my other best friend up in Indiana, his female partner is severely Bi-polar, she is a victim of her "mom's" emotional, mental & physical abuse from when she was a little girl. Once again I have made an emotional connection towards her.
Then, there is another one of my best friends mom who is battling cancer. A gracious lady whom has also opened her heart & home to this boy/man along with the rest of her family.
An emotional connection has been made.
Three females all three friends of mine. Yes, I'll get emotionally deep within myself, as this boy/man hated all females for all of his adult life.
Then there is one female, she became my wife. She has given me almost 40 years of her live. She has given me 100%+ of her self. Two fine boys. During the course of our married life she had contracted cancer, She had cancer of her stomach & intestines. At times she was in deep & severe pain, but she received absolutely no emotional, mental or physical help from her husband. When she was rushed into the emergency room at a German hospital almost dead and I received a phone call at work from my son who was there with her what has happened. I go to the hospital my son was there along with my wife's brother. They both were in an emotional turmoil, crying that she might not make it through the operation. This boy/man showed absolutely no emotions of any kind. No sadness & no real concern that she might not make it. No tears, no emotions for her, none-zero. It was that way from me throughout our married years.
She knew that something was definitely wrong with me, she had seen it almost every day, tons of emotions for my boys, tons of emotions for my military buddies. But not one iota for her. It wouldn't be until after 35 years of marriage that I would hear about her feelings about our marriage but most importantly about the total lack of any kind of an emotional, mental & physical bonding with her in mind, body & soul. It was our first therapy session after all the abuse came back to my conscious mind.
She had often told my son, just why I have put up with your father all these years I don't know.
She had told my T that "Peter was a lousy husband, but he was a great father & grandfather to our boys."
My son had told me on Skype this morning when I asked him how his mom was getting along with her eyesight problems as she is totally blind in her left eye & she has 20% vision left in her right eye, How much longer she will have that eye sight in her right eye they can't tell her. She tells him that she is very lonely. She hurts, and there is nobody there for her.
I am sure that almost 40 years ago that she had thought that someone would be there for her for the rest of her life. I'm not there for her. I can't be there for her. I will not be there for her. She had told me when I told her that i'm going to leave her, my boys & Germany forever. She had said this to me. "So you want to leave me & go marry a man." She knew me better that I knew me.
In a few weeks once again being that I had invited myself into others lives without their prior approval, they have told me how it's going to be while I'm there. My son reassured me that I am very much welcomed, and how my boys are anxious to see their grandpa. In Fact they want to be at the airport when their grandpa arrives on a Friday morning One of the deals is that I will be staying with my wife during the week while the boys are in school, that is because I just sit at his house like a bump on a log bored to death with nothing to do until I pick up the boys from school.
The reason he made a deal with my wife is so we both will have company during those days the boys are at school. We can communicate with each other, I can be of some comfort for her.
The most confusing things about my new found emotions for females is that I still have none-zero for the woman that gave me everything one could ask for in a marriage & life.
So, this uninvited boy/man will re enter the life of the woman that I walked out the door on, No hug, no goodbye, no kiss, no thanks & no tears. Nothing-zero.
I feel guilty, I feel ashamed as I violated/voided one of the two most important vows that I have made in my adult life. One was to "protect & defend the Constitution of the United States." That other solemn vow was...........................
"For richer or poorer," "In sickness & health," "'Till death do us part."
This boy/man failed her miserably. My "mom," still had power & control over her boy/man.
The title of this forum states.
"Survivors of "Female Abuse." It is my belief that we will never become a survivor of "Female Abuse." We will always be a "Victim of Female Abuse."
The uninvited boy/man who just walked out the door & her life returns back into her life uninvited for thirty days. To once again walk out that door & her life. Her pain will never end.
Yes, modern communications, Skype instant access to the most important persons in my life.
Instant reminders of my emotional failure to someone who gave me 100% of herself and then some.
"Survivor?" No way my brothers, sorry to say. "Victim," is more like it.
Wishing my brothers here whom were abused by females, better emotions & feelings than I have, a much better healing from those wounds from so long ago.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well. My other solemn vow,
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.