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#416316 - 11/15/12 01:35 PM ending an inner state of war
firebird Offline

Registered: 03/29/12
Posts: 26
Loc: the western hemisphere

fighting Against my self every step of the way
i staggered to a field of men fighting the same battle
now guarding each others backs we fight ever harder
but this isn't walking away to do better things

i found an online therapist then i dropped coffee all over my laptop
as a cute man was talking to me
also meaning i missed the healing cycle meeting

i joined a course to become a holistic life coach
and i feel beyond awkward every time i try to read the course work
a million reasons not to do it

i am tired of this inner resistance to change i am tired
of giving that part of my self empathy and understanding only to be fought while doing so
i am tired of accommodating it
im frustated pissed of and profoundly sad not over the abuse but over the time iv wasted and the connections iv missed
'The flower you love is not in danger...I'll draw you a muzzle for your sheep...I'll draw you a fence for your flower...I' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him...It's so mysterious, the land of tears.

#416321 - 11/15/12 02:29 PM Re: ending an inner state of war [Re: firebird]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3866
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey man, welcome to club of eternal inner fighters.
My problematic side not talk at all and it is not cooperative and I don't like it, we are in total war actually for many years, I can't remember period of peace at all.
my T said let two sides get to know better, talk a little bit and try to come closer. Well it is not happening yet.
My T is pushing me to think on becoming T and I'm scared of saying it aloud. How can I think of becoming healer with such deficiency and so many issues?
Don't know...

I'm scared the most of "work on myself" and wasting additional energy on my inner wars. Don't know what to say frown

Hang on and keep sharing.

My story

#417110 - 11/25/12 12:11 AM Re: ending an inner state of war [Re: firebird]
Alidade Offline

Registered: 01/18/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Houston, Texas
firebird .. I enjoy the half-poetry in your writing. It is a comforting way to ease your way into a difficult topic.

It seems to me from your brief writing that you may be trying to force change upon yourself and creating your own disappointment with yourself when you fight the change.

If change is truly what you need then it should be allowed to flow more freely than this.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
Bono (U2) - 1987

Do what you love and love will find you. - Me (21 June 09)

#417121 - 11/25/12 02:04 AM Re: ending an inner state of war [Re: firebird]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
Internal fighting-a result of the abuse--a part of us loves the abuser or feels special and the other part is repulsed by the abuser and what he did. The internal conflict-trying to accept two divergent conditions. I am so guilty of this--I have not been able to accept--so I fight. But after a visit to the place of the abuse the part that felt love is muted and the fight is not there--but it still has a hold on me and maybe it is healing and seeing that the abuse was not love. My T believes this part has been looking for the priest or someone like him who would treat him the same--but to me I did not understand. But dissociation and fugue allow the parts to find what they may need. Now I just wander, no longer seeking anyone or anything. I hope this internal fight is truly beginning to end and not on a temporary hiatus.

My T and psychiatrist have reviewed my medical reports from my fugue state and will be expanding my therapy to help bring resolution to the PTSD and fugues by healing the inner self and releasing the memories. EMDR and EFT are options being explored. I am willing to do anything to end the conflict and have control over my life--not fighting myself internally and experiencing fugue and dissociative episodes.

Will in end, I can only hope and try. Because it is hell living with the conflict

#417123 - 11/25/12 02:06 AM Re: ending an inner state of war [Re: firebird]
Treehugger75 Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 159
Loc: Ontario Canada
I'm also my own worst enemy at times. I take compliments from others as a smack in the face and personal accomplishments as failures. I havent gotten up the gumption to attempt returning to work. I applaud you for for taking those first steps. Keep on keeping on. smile
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

#417255 - 11/26/12 03:43 AM Re: ending an inner state of war [Re: firebird]
PoeThePanda Offline

Registered: 10/24/12
Posts: 25
Loc: Ontario
I'm really glad you ARE fighting. Keep at it, you'll find a way. The fact that you are fighting means that you see a way through, it's not easy but it will but on this journey even the smallest victories are worth it.
Quiet the noises
And leave your ears free to hear
What is going on,
Right Here.

Do not cower in fear
For when the morning rays mate with the leaves
Through your eyes it will be clear,
That there was actually nothing to fear.


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