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#415208 - 11/03/12 04:09 PM Your thoughts on suicide,..
WayTooConfused Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
Would like to get your thoughts and perspective on all this.

NO! I AM NOT SUICIDAL, or at least I haven't succeded.

But, I do think about suicide a whole lot!!!!

My christianity, serves to protect me from going through with suicide,
but it does not keep me from thinking about and thinking how much easier
it would be for me to use suicide as a way to just stop thinking about everything
that I've been through, and am going through now, and what I'm expecting to endure in my future.

My adult attack happened over 22 years ago.
And I lost plenty, more than any man should ever go through.

This new route that I'm heading down is a rough one to say the least, I'm not sure where my head is at right now.

It's now been two weeks since I started dealing
with these two incidents of Gang-Rape by my
fellow co-workers while I was in the military.

The term Gang-Rape is something very new to me and a concept to which I have yet to fully comprehend
or understand, especially since my attackers were military personnel.

I do not wish to forgive them,
nor can I forget what they did to me.

Because, I lost more than my Family and my Military Career,
I lost my D-I-G-N-I-T-Y,

and all the mental stuff that goes along with it,
is what weighs so heavily on my mind 24/7.

During my first attack I was warned that all this would stop, and go away,
if I just gave them what they wanted, and then during my second assault,
my family was threatened (which I took very seriously) that they would kill my family if I ever told anyone.

Because I was a Senior Non-Commissioned Officer, If I had brought this up,
I would have been chastised, ridiculed, and ostrasized way more than if this had happened in the civilian world.

Simply because the Military is in and of itself, only willing to police itself and when it comes to the truth,
is covered up in such a way that the press or society will never get to hear of it,
let alone having your family know the truth. The military is all about image,
and protecting that image is way more important than the truth.
This is the cold hard facts of military life.

So, yes in a nutshell, I've always been thinking of suicide.

Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

#416014 - 11/12/12 09:17 AM Re: Your thoughts on suicide,.. [Re: WayTooConfused]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've been suicidal.

Who am I kidding? I've made multiple attempts.

There was a time when I simply could not see how I would even be able to live my life. It was too hard. The pain was too much. I had also convinced myself that I was a burden to those who cared about me, and that I would be doing them a favour by removing myself from their lives.

I hated myself that much.

But in the end, it was ok. I found a way to deal with life. I even found happiness.

I have not arrived at the end. I still struggle with guilt and self-loathing. Sometimes I still feel like the pain is too much, I can't handle it. But now, I have a child. Single parents can't kill themselves. I have an obligation towards my child to stay alive. She's already lost one parent. If I deliberately take her only remaining parent from her, I am no better than my mother who walked out of my life when I was 11. If I take my own life now, it would be as if my abusers have reached out from their graves, and hurt my daughter too.

I CANNOT allow that.

So I have to stay alive. I have no choice.

Now, when the thoughts of suicide intrude into my mind (they are never invited, they just come) I reach out. I call my therapist. I post on-line. I talk to my one friend to who I can say "I wish I could just die" without causing him to freak out. I spend time with my daughter.

I have a tattoo on my right wrist. It covers the scar from where I cut my wrist as a teenager. It is a design that, to me, is a very powerful symbol of the fight to stay alive. It is a reminder of where I've been, how I got out of that dark place, and why it is always worth trying again, even when I can't see any chance of success. The fact is, I've managed to get out of that dark hole before... It isn't big, but it has motivated me to keep going many times...

Edited by crazy gecko (11/12/12 12:29 PM)
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#416025 - 11/12/12 01:02 PM Re: Your thoughts on suicide,.. [Re: WayTooConfused]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3789
I hope you are talking with people and receiving help. I do not know if it is suicide but sometimes the thoughts of being free of the pain, anguish, and memories make the thought of closing my eyes and not waking seem very appealing. I would want it to be natural but as I child I prayed to die--but I would wake every morning. Please hang in there and do not let the bastards get to you.

#416121 - 11/13/12 05:00 PM Re: Your thoughts on suicide,.. [Re: WayTooConfused]
WayTooConfused Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
To my former First Sergeant "F"
and to my former Company Commander Cpt. "B"

You worthless pieces of shit. I want to know was it really worth covering up Private "C" death, and set me up to take a fall for your alls failure to do your job?

I don't know which is worse, you all fucking up my families lives, my marriage and my career, and my asshole.

Or letting Private "C's" family believe that their son's death was unavoidable?

Oh, I'm so God damned sorry!!!!!!!!!!
Both incidents still happened!!!!!!!!

You see, just recently, I just found out that I'm a Grandpa, and I wasn't able to go to my daughters wedding or be around for the birth of my grandchildren.

Yea, you sure secured that for yourselves!!!!!!!!!!
How does it feel to basque in those feelings and memories, to be around for those events??????????????

Please explain it to me!!!!!!!
I want to know how those feelings feel to you and what they mean to you, because I'll never know, now will I?????????

You have no fucking idea what it meant to me to have to keep my mouth shut all these years. Or what it meant for me???? Your friends threatened to kill me and then threatened to kill my family, and the only way for you all to secure your alls future was to make me submit to your wishes. So you allowed these guys to shove a broomstick up my ass TWICE. Whether you knew what they were going to do or not. You all are still responsible for their actions.

I'll bet that you don't even care about any of this!!!!!!!!
I wonder what your families would say to you if they knew that you all covered up and lied to maintain: "The good order and discipline of the ARMY."

I really wonder what they would think?
But, I know that nothing is ever going to get you all to be and act responsible now after all these years.

It's funny so very funny, The FBI can investigate General Petraeus for simply having a potential affair, but won't investigate you all for allowing the death of a fellow soldier under your command and allowing such horrific deeds that were done to me and my family...

Where's the justice in that???????????????
Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

#416136 - 11/13/12 06:43 PM Re: Your thoughts on suicide,.. [Re: WayTooConfused]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
We've all been there. The thing is to pull out of it. You're worth more than that.

There was a silent message in the way you were treated that said that you were worthless. IT IS NOT TRUE. YOU ARE OF GREAT VALUE. You can get over it but it will take a little time. We will try to help you here.

I tried to give you another input on your previous post about the 4-star general part. It is here:

I feel the FBI also failed in my plea. Right after I remembered my horrible abuse, a victims advocate in Nashville reported it to the FBI as well as to the Boy Scout authorities in the county where I was abused. She was told that my story was too old. That was 20 years ago. They were just ignoring stuff like that. The recent Boy Scout Files shows that they were keeping tabs of reported events. I also tried to report my abuse to the Boy Scout office in the area where I was abused. I was told it was "too much trouble to find the files which were stored in boxes in the attick". What I needed to do was hire a civil lawyer and sue them. So why didn't I? Because I had been so extremely terrorized by my abuser at age 12 that I was left dazed, confused and depressed. I was unable to take any action on my own behalf.


Edited by pufferfish (11/13/12 06:53 PM)

#416138 - 11/13/12 06:58 PM * [Re: WayTooConfused]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 05:00 PM)

#416200 - 11/14/12 03:27 AM Re: Your thoughts on suicide,.. [Re: WayTooConfused]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
It's hard to imagine dealing with your abusive experience. The military attitude on such things and the horrible atmosphere it creates is bad enough but to have your personal dignity and family's safety compromised must have been unendurable. My take on this relates to your following comment:

"I lost my D-I-G-N-I-T-Y,

and all the mental stuff that goes along with it,
is what weighs so heavily on my mind 24/7."

In my experience it has been the 24/7 nature of my psychological difficulties that weighed so heavily on me as well. After all, there was little reprieve to be had in my life and even during times I found some measure of joy/happiness it was mitigated by my fears/anxieties. In light of this daily reality negative emotions, namely self-loathing, eventually led to suicidal ideation. Although not a remedy for emotional torment it at least felt like a way to get away from the pain. You know you are feeling pretty bad when the permanent cessation of consciousness starts to sound like a solution to life problems.

Luckily, I have good news for you. Over time and even moreso with therapy/reflection/maybe medication the emotional abyss begins to give way to a more self-affirming, positive mindset. Since you are only beginning your journey of recovery I am sure many difficulties have arisen that are driving you nuts. However, facing them you can become stronger and best of all you don't have to face them alone. I encourage you to continue utilizing this site and any other resources available to you especially when intrusive thoughts rear their ugly head.

Also, welcome to MaleSurvivor!
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh


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