It was a complete disaster. A complete fucking disaster.
Yesterday I was sitting in the lounge minding my own business when two guys from my squadron came in all excited and said that our Senior Chief was having a party at his house and we were all invited. They said that I should go and I hesitated for a second but I figured that I should get out and do something instead of being cooped up in the building all night. So I said yes and the instant the words left my mouth I regretted my decision. I wanted to make up some urgent phone call or some reason why I couldn't go but I knew they'd never believe me.
The drinking had already started when we got there. Senior and his wife and son are all so nice to open up their home to us and feed us and stuff. I wanted to leave early on but to do so would have been social suicide. Plus, the two guys who invited me were challenging each other on how much the other had drank and were making fun of the other guy who had come along with us. They were calling him a lightweight because he wasn't drinking much and to avoid the criticising myself I downed a few shots and drank a couple beers even though I hate the taste of beer. I started deeply into the television pretending to be interested in the UFC fight that was going on even though I couldn't have been less interested.
We then all sat around the table with Senior and his 18-year-old son talking about life in the Navy and stuff like that. I was so incredibly lost by then. I wasn't talking because I couldn't relate to anything they were saying. Senior's son was more engaging than I was. He's tall and strong and looks just like his dad. I admired him instantly. They talked about sports that I don't watch and video games that I don't play and I just sat there like a fucking dead fish listening to what they were saying and laughing when everyone else laughed. The whole night reminded me of my senior prom night when I sat alone at the table watching my date dance with everyone else but me - it was so excruciating. I tried to down as much alcohol as I could so they wouldn't think I was soft. I had built up a bravado when out of nowhere I was dealt a blow that would destroy every brick in my wall: "Hey Terrick, why are you so quiet dude?" WHAT????? What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? How the fuck is anyone supposed to respond to that question without sounding like a complete loser? I decided not to respond and just laugh it off and I saw out the side of my eye that the person who asked had rolled their eyes at me when I didn't respond.
And to make matters worst this fucking asshole from our squadron was there. I swear to fucking God I can't stand him. He's one of those stupid hipster assholes who thinks their so ahead of the curve and everything they do and say is important and fascinating. He brags about how he went to school abroad and how he's been to all these different countries and eaten all these exotic foods and had all these exotic beers and stupid shit like that. And he has this stupid chuckle, oh my fucking God I can't stand his laugh and it doesn't help that he does it every twelve seconds. And his little lackey who follows him around and laughs at all his shitty joke is equally annoying.
So I couldn't wait to go home and curl up under my covers. I knew early on that I didn't belong there around all these men. I should have been wearing a little hat and vest and dancing in the middle of the room to entertain them. This is how I think of myself: a trained monkey put in a little uniform and given a little job and told how to act but who will never be human. I was the lowest ranking person in the room and I did not belong there. All they talked about was how much they could drink and how much they worked out and how "cut" they were. I can't relate to anything they were saying and when it was finally time to leave I was already raging inside. I went home and smoked a nasty cigar outside of my barracks. I don't smoke but at that point I didn't care. I finally rolled into bed around midnight and when I woke up this morning the feeling of hatred still hadn't left me. I wrote almost three pages in my journal tying to relieve the stress and anger but it wasn't nearly enough. The words on this screen cannot begin to reveal how fucked up I feel inside.
Fuck this world. Fuck my life.
Yet another 24 hours.