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#41584 - 07/25/02 12:47 AM Dad arrives today

Hello men:

I am very anxious and struggling today. You see my father is flying in and I have mixed emotions about it. He abandoned me emotionally and often physically shortly after my birth yet a part of me still loves him.

He and my mother abused me for years and yet the son in me feels excitement at the thought of seeing him again after about a year. But, the adult in me feels hurt and betrayal and anger.

And, I have been praying for some time for help in dealing with him. That I I will think my God's thoughts, feel my God's feelings, act my God's acts, and speak my God's words when I am around him.

The boy in me still wants to be loved by him in a healthy, non-abusive way. To have the father I may have never had. But, the man in me believes that keeping him distant may be the best way to deal with my anger and not make the mistake of venting it on him or projecting my issues onto him.

So I keep praying and asking for courage and peace. Other family members do not understand why I feel the way I do. I tried to explain it to my sister and she only seemed agitated and non-understanding. She even became sarcastic. She remains in denial about the past and her present. I try to stay out of denial and face the painful truths whenever I have the strength. And, not beat myself up over the times I am weak.

So this is where I am friends. Praying for strength and courage. I feel I need to confront him about some wrongs he committed against me when I last saw him. But, the son in me only wants to be near him and not fight. What I have always wanted.

Dear God, please help us be our best. Please help us not want to hurt our father. Please help us confront him when we need to in your way Lord, with your words, and your emotions. And, may the outcome be yours. Please help us know we can do this and live with it.

Thank you Lord God. We surrender all to you, our life, our will, and our soul. May your will be done.

Thanks men for listening and may our Gods bless us all. Sincerely,

rafael \:\)

Lord, I wish I could cry. Please Lord may we cry in your time and place. Please do not let us go to the grave without crying. Please. Thank you for everything dear Lord.

#41585 - 07/25/02 01:28 AM Re: Dad arrives today
Spider-man Offline

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
I wish you luck, courage and patience.
Be careful.

I can never see my dad again I think. Odds are pretty good I'd just flip out and take him out. And that isn't going to help me or those I love (and who love me).

#41586 - 07/25/02 04:05 AM Re: Dad arrives today
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Come to the retreat if you can. It is a great place to find the tears that you cannot otherwise find.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#41587 - 07/25/02 05:27 AM Re: Dad arrives today
RickL Offline

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
I can relate SO well to what you're feeling. My dad was abusive when I was little. He didn't suddenly become a wonderful dad, but the abuse subsided over time. We had glimmers of good times together when I was growing up, and the little boy in me hungered (and still hungers) for those "crumbs" of attention. And now, at age 45, it is only recently that I have come to terms with who he is--a weak, self-centered man who is emotionally stunted, but who tries the best he can. I still sometimes get a "crumb" of good father-son interaction--as in the occasional time he'll call and it's actually an upbeat, pleasant interaction (this is the exception, not the rule). And I asked my therapist which is the real dad--because my experience of him has been so wildly inconsistent over the course of my life. And he said that both pictures of him are real. He doesn't have a whole lot of good fatherhood to give, but when he gives it, I try to enjoy and appreciate it. But then that little boy inside me starts to get excited that maybe we can build on it--maybe THIS time he'll get the daddy he's always wanted and needed. And the very sober and somewhat sad realization that I've finally come fully to terms with is that this is the best it will ever be. And I'm pretty detached, because I want to shelter that little boy inside of me from any further hurt and disappointment. He's already had a lifetime full.
I love how you are praying to God for answers and guidance here. You set a good example for me, because it seems a constant quandary to know just how to interact with my dad. Privately, I still have anger that comes up. I also am letting forgiveness come up. And those emotions live side by side inside my psyche when it comes to my dad. I've learned to accept this paradox.
I'm learning to step in and be a parent to my inner child. It's hard work, sometimes very vague and sometimes very real. But it's really the only choice I have. It also helps to share this here. Thank you so very much for speaking to this topic!

#41588 - 07/25/02 09:38 AM Re: Dad arrives today
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Try and be strong. If you can not find the courage when you see him next to make yourself felt, then the next time, or the time after that, but let the truth be known. If he is going to pretend like nothing is wrong or ever happened, then you must put distance between each other. If you deny yourself a right to a non abusive relationship, then you will be trapped until you choose to free yourself. I believe in you, i hope you can find the strength.

#41589 - 07/26/02 02:33 PM Re: Dad arrives today
JamesMichael Offline

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Rafael, Your messages concerning your father are renewing my recovery in a real positive, although painful, way. Congratulations on your encounters with him...internally and externally. My father was emotionally absent, (alcoholic, downtrodden, horrible childhood himself, abandoned by his father AND mother...), and my mother was covertly incestuous with me (emotionally present to her in ways my father should have been). Add the sexual abuse by two older brothers, a neighborhood boy, and a Catholic priest and you come up with a great recipe for a dissociative cocktail! I'm trying to get off the cocktail, put it aside, and get sober. All of you are a great help. Rafael, thank you. Maybe I'll do with my father what you did with yours. I think he'll be able to hear it. He should've been the gatekeeper/shepherd and wasn't. He fell asleep, got drunk, and otherwise left the scene of the crimes. He should know THAT at the very least.

This is a good place. Let's be good gatekeepers for our children within and without.


#41590 - 07/27/02 03:32 AM Re: Dad arrives today
jackjohn Offline

Registered: 06/17/02
Posts: 23
Loc: Fallston, MD
My father was a priest. He left the church to marry my mother. My brother was born and one year later I was born. Father father stayed for 6 years and then went back to the priesthood. My mother was excommunicated. We were put in an orphanage that was run by the catholic church. We were there for over a year. When my mother came to take us home to live with her parents and brother, I was so happy. But not for long. My uncle was a pedofile and I had to sleep with him. We were there for over 3 years.
I never could and to this day still can't believe that being a priest was more import to God than taking care of your children. When my uncle would molest me I kept thinking my father will come and rescue me. Of course that never happened. I always vowed that my son would always come first. I saw to that.


#41591 - 07/29/02 05:04 PM Re: Dad arrives today
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
jack john,

dude, [john] hugs jack john, that oh so short version of your story just kinda hit me hard, i am sorry you had all that shit to deal with.

my story is very different, but the feelings and thoughts you expressed are ones i have struggled with as well, the part that just kills me is that we were just little boys, we deserved a lot better, a whole lot better.



I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.


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