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#415994 - 11/12/12 06:19 AM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
(((Jeff))) I don't have anything else to add, but suffice it to say that we are listening. I can feel the pain in your last line. I am with you friend. Heal well brother.

Sincerely,

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#416018 - 11/12/12 11:05 AM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 01:26 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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#416033 - 11/12/12 03:22 PM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I am afraid there is no clear cut answer. It might sound trite, but you did what you had to do to survive. Whether that was by your own volition or not, you still did what you had to to get through your life at the time. And it certainly does not define the man you are today.

How you come to internalize that is another matter entirely. I am still learning this. I also did bad things, and I too struggled with feeling like a freak. Much like Dark, I could not help but feel like a sick perverted person. But when considered through the lens of sexual abuse, everything changed. I had to see it as conditioning, as something that was not innately me. Only by viewing my behavior as a set of lies I adopted as a result of the sexual abuse was I able to shed light on the bad things I did. I basically remind myself of this every time I feel like shaming or hating myself.

I wish I could offer you something more concrete, but I am still walking the same path. Heal well friend.

Sincerely,

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#416043 - 11/12/12 04:55 PM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
I have been following this thread and wishing I had words to contribute, but felt at a loss. I grew up feeling like I was a freak of nature, as well as a monster, because I was born with 2 disabilities, and because of the way I was brought up (severe neglect and CSA).

Something about words in the trailer for Cloud Atlas (the movie) keep provoking me. I haven't seen the film yet, but the words the keep resonating deep within me:

"Our lives are not our own. Our lives are molded by choices other people have made." - Decisions our forefathers made, decisions our ancestors made, all impact how our lives play out.

In the context of CSA, the neglect we suffered at the hands of our families, and the CSA that pushed into our lives caused us to react in ways that we had no control over. We adapted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to deal with the decisions that others had made. We adapted these thoughts/feelings/behaviors in order to survive a world that didn't make sense. We didn't choose these behaviors; these behaviors were necessary for our survival.

Our job as adult survivors is to recognize that these behaviors/thoughts/feelings are not our own. They were created because of the actions of other people around us. But they are inside of us, and we think we are at fault because they are in us.

The task is most difficult; to recognize this, and work to release these dysfunctional patterns from us so that we can reclaim our intrinsic birth right. We were born with all the capabilities to be a whole human being, capable of love, connection, and joy.

At 40 years old, I struggle VERY hard with this. But when I look at all the decisions I've made, I see that I have been working to survive, and I have been working to love myself, in spite of the dysfunctional feelings/thoughts/behaviors that have taken my mind hostage. I have the power to choose, and because I have the power to choose, I have the power to change and alter the course of the life I was given.

So while our "lives are not our own", we do have power to influence the direction of our lives by making different choices.

D

PS: Should I see Cloud Atlas? I have been resisting seeing it because it comes across as a love/romance movie, and I am at a point because of a total lack of romance in my life, that it hurts to be reminded of these things, so I avoid them.

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#416044 - 11/12/12 05:05 PM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
I'm told that Cloud Atlas is terrible and a total flop. Don't not see it because you're avoiding romance; don't see it because it's apparently terrible.

Go see Skyfall instead.

Cant
_________________________
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

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#416045 - 11/12/12 05:09 PM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Jeff,

I wish I could be at the conference in NYC with you so that I could shake your hand and tell you that I love you, and that the light inside you overpowers the darkness of your past.

But, unfortunately, now is not a good time for me to travel to NYC, so I will have to make it to the next conference.

Cant
_________________________
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

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#416057 - 11/12/12 10:09 PM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Jeff and others

I Boltik make it to New York for the conference.

But even if I don't, there's a powerful story of experience being shared here that I hope is helpful.

We all have our own paths- shedding light (honesty/truth) on my path is the only thing I can do - and admitting some tough stuff isn't easy. And yet the roots of so many of my issues go back to the abuse, plain and simple.

I have found a lot of wisdom in spiritual traditions- including the fellowship of 12 step meetings where I learned to apply many tools that I couldn't understand from church or Buddhist philosophy. I also read a lot of self help books and inspiration books and biographies - I Need healthy inputs into my life to counterbalance my negative thinking.

It's ok- we r ok- we are worth getting better.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#416068 - 11/13/12 01:02 AM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 01:26 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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#416087 - 11/13/12 05:54 AM Re: I'm a freak [Re: lapchinj]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

A powerful forum here.
From the depths of our souls we try and understand the things that were being done to us. And the things that we had to do to others, in the name of love.

Sometimes I think along the lines of being a freak as I was born a gay boy. An aberration of God, i'm told by most religious leaders.

I am not religious, I have no time for my creator. I was lied to by my Catholic faith.
I was taught "That I was "A precious gift from God" to my parent(s.)
I thought that God does not make mistakes. I beg to differ.

We were made in "His image & likeness." I was born Gay. So why am I hated as a human being? God made mistake #2.
I was taught he does not make mistakes. Once again I beg to differ.
I was taught hate & fear of females. By the person who brought me into this world. She would hate her gay boy. He would be beaten, berated. He would have knives thrown at him in her fits of rage. She would sexually abuse her boy. He would become the "man of the house" at 8 years old with all the ramifications that go with that title. He would tell her that he had wished that she was dead starting at 8 years old.
Her, emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused boy would be taken from her and placed in a Catholic orphanage/Home at 10 years old.

Like our brother Jeff, here.
I fell in genuine love with my perp, emotionally, mentally, in mind body & soul.I was his all my life. He has been dead for years & he still had power & control over me. I did anything & everything that he wanted to keep his love. He is with me in every sexual encounter, it wasn't my wife there it was me and Ralph, it was a bit different.
It isn't actors there in gay porn, it's me and Ralph, in mind, body & soul. He was with me for all of my adult life. If I was sexually involved with myself in my fantasy world it was with Ralph.

I went with strangers that worked for the Boston subway system, knowing full well what they wanted me for. I did not scream. I did not try and run. I did not fight. You see they loved me too, they even paid me for my troubles $.50 cents.

I fell in genuine sweet, innocent clean & pure love with another boy. Another Gay boy in a Catholic orphanage/Home we were together for four years. We both were the same ages there 10-14.It was the first time in our young lives that we experienced what true love was all about. He will come back to me in mind, body & soul later in my life a form of survival. But I was taught by my religion & society it is wrong.
How could that be? It was about love & not hate.

Her boy would live his life just as she had taught him to.
He was useless, worthless & never would amount to anything, along with the tag my stepfather put on me, A strong boy with a weak mind.
Every day, I have to prove to myself that she was wrong. Every living day.

I still love my perp in a way, and I think that he loved me too. I just prefer to call it tainted love.

So from one female, my "Mom" I was taught to hate & fear all females.
I have lived that for all of my adult life and it's just now that I am having some emotions for females. But not for the woman who has given me 100%+ of herself. Plus two fine boys and almost 40 years of her life. I have zero emotions or feelings for her. I just didn't know how.

From one adult male he taught me love & caring. He never beat or berated me. He never threw knives at me or told me that I was not wanted. Above all he never told me that I was the wrong twin that survived a premature birth.
He gave me pleasure & not pain. He gave me love, not hate. He was gentle & kind. I had adopted him to be the parent(s) that I never had. I still love him to this day sort of.


I had done sexual things to a dog, in my youth. Can't get more freaky than that.

I was taken to some sort of medical facility most likely between 10-14 years old. We were separated & I went with some sort of a nurse. I had things to do, all the while she was recording our conservations on a dicta phone. Once I was in a darkened room &had wires hooked up to my head. On the other end there was a recording machine that makes those squiggly lines. But I can't remember If I was asked questions. What that was all about? I would never find out. But whenever I think about that happening I had always told myself that surely they had the wrong Corbett attached to it. Were they trying to see if her gay boy was a freak?

Our inner child had learned how to survive. He had to endure things that were happening to him, in mind, body & soul. Things that he could not comprehend nor understand. Hate fear & pain. From the one that brought him into this world.
Love, caring, kindness, tenderness & pleasure from a male friend of the family.

Freaks? Nope.

Just,innocent young boys seeking someone to love & care for them. Then later in life they will be reminded of those days gone by, the loss of their innocence & childhood.
Then will come the guilt, shame and anger for enjoying those pleasures in the name of love & caring, done to him and then those terrible things that he had to do to others and he will realise that it was all wrong.
That boy/man will be emotionally,mentally,sexually & physically challenged in mind body & soul from those memories of his youth. It will take it's toll on him emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. It may cost him his life.
He was betrayed in the highest sense of the word by those whom had brought him into this world and by others whom had power & control over an innocent young boy.
He was just an innocent kid. He is a "precious gift from God." He was made in "His image & likeness." His inner child will come to see his goodness & innocense.
Not as a freak, but as an innocent, kind & gentle human being.

Wishing all my brothers here in healing to love & nurture their innocent inner child as he is you.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.


Edited by petercorbett (11/13/12 07:40 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#416098 - 11/13/12 08:15 AM Re: I'm a freak [Re: DarkHadou]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 01:26 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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