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#408278 - 08/29/12 05:23 AM New here
Brugmansia Offline

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 3
Loc: Montana
I am so glad to find this group! I am a female survivor of abuse by both parents and multiple other men, starting at a very young age. Both parents were untreated survivors, very damaged. Two of the most important men in my life now and for many years are both survivors who became perpetraters. They both turned themselves in, got in treatment, worked very hard, graduated, and are living as normal a life as circumstances permit. I am very proud of them, and have learned a great deal about my own abuse issues through knowing them and participating in their recovery.

Sexual abuse is an epidemic in our world. So much pain, passed down from generation to generation like a family heirloom. It poisens lives, families, communities. The huge pressure not to talk about it helps keep it going. The rage and violence towards offenders keeps many of them from seeking help when the urges and obsessions first arise, before the first victem.

I do recognize that there are preditory offenders who are so twisted that they are beyond recovery. I am refering to the percentage of molesters who are capable of modifying their behavior, beliefs, and denial systems.

As I learned from Andy Hudak, head of one of the most sucessful treatment centers in the country, All offenders were abused, not all victems become abusers. I feel that any discussion of recovery must, at some point, include the recovery of the abusers among us. The current belief among professionals is that one in six men is activly molesting. That is an unbelievable number of people! All creating untold misery for yet another generation of children. How can we stop this tradgedy? When does sympathy for the abused boy turn to rage and hate for the abuser he becomes? Where is the moment for intervention in that boy's life?

I do not mean to offend any one or seem to be making any kind of abuse OK. I am trying to name a huge problem that helps keep all of us as victems trapped in the old narrative. I know that there are very many abused boys who do not go on to become perpetrators.


#408315 - 08/29/12 06:23 PM Re: New here [Re: Brugmansia]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

I don't know what stirs in the heart of any man. No one does. Even when people are telling you the truth, we can never know if we are hearing and seeing an edited rendition. I have learned in some flippin horrid (and I mean damn horrid) scenarios that no man and no woman can be trusted fully.

The skills that saw a lot of us through to survival were not wrong, ill-conceived or wrongly-employed. In fact, the survival skill were perfection. Perfection, exactly as a rifle, knife, nuke or famine is perfection in winning a war. Perfection is confirmed through achieving the goal.

But if, along the way, we lose our humanity...our empathy and regard for our fellow boy, man, woman, girl, we lost the war. We had never won it to begin with. We missed the goal, entirely. "Survival" means to have emerged without being dead or being destructive to the innocent.

So....I will not call an offender a "survivor." I call them "offender."

I don't know what drives them. I don't know if its an appetite for this or that, and I won't make myself upset thinking about what made me attractive to horny teens. I DO know what made me viable and vulnerable...but I have no interest in what drives the offender's actions. I've never had to "resist" or control a sexual drive, as I have no sex-drive in adulthood. I'm fully stuck in neutral.

I did go after sex with the offenders in very direct ways however. I know it came from comfort, wanted-acceptance and other twisted things. And I do know that they molded me for all returns to them.

The current belief among professionals is that one in six men is activly molesting. That is an unbelievable number of people! All creating untold misery for yet another generation of children. How can we stop this tradgedy? When does sympathy for the abused boy turn to rage and hate for the abuser he becomes? Where is the moment for intervention in that boy's life?

I think we need to make and build a society that no longer affords nor accommodates, nor tolerates such behavior, but it will never stop. But I don't think humankind will ever be willing to do what's genuinely required. Its an evil we can only fight and vanquish in small theaters of combat. We'll never filter-out the evil in man's hearts.

The testimonies of NAMBLA and individual offenders pretty well proves to me that some humans feel a righteous entitlement to "it." And i feel a righteous entitlement to respond.

I hope you find resources here to be valuable to your needs Brugmansia. You must beone very very strong woman to handle what you've been dealt. I admire you for that....greatly!

#415803 - 11/09/12 09:57 PM Re: New here [Re: Brugmansia]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
I too am new here and don't know how it works. While I find it difficult to know who is a perptrator and who is experimenting normally. For my self if the sibling is pubescent and the recipient of the sexual behavior is not, that is probably unfair, exploitive, and not an acceptable experiment. If the are both prepubescent and within two years of each other, I would probably let is go as a natural experiment. The same is true if they are both pubescent. Unless there is more coercion thjan just being the older sibling.

I am 63 years old. I spent about 10 years in cognitive behavioral therapy. I got good techniques for coping but no help in healing. I have spent about 6 years in psychotherapy and have accepted that I many of my defenses were psychotic delusions and that my lack of trust and my paranoia are between my ears and not from a totally hostile world. I was first molested when I was 10 and last molested when I was 17. My mother had me undress until I was naked to her photographer friend could take pictures. I was orally and anally sodomized by my mother's friend who was supposed to "take care of me." When I was 13 and 14. When I told my parents about this my mother asked if I enjoyed being penetrated. When I replied no, it hurt, she said then you are O K.

It was a physically abusive house, as well as sexually abusive. My blood poisoning from my hand up to my elbow is probably an indicator that I was also neglected. Generally, I have tried to ignore and discount what happened. "I was never severely abused... they never broke my bones." Today I know that is not a standard for measurement.

What I am struggling with is how to grieve my loss. Which requires that I acknowledge that I did not have safety. However, how do you have a loss that you never had to begin with. If I could believe that I had a right to safety as a child, I think accepting it as a loss would be easier. But I don't know how.

I hope this is an acceptable introduction of myself. It also is a little responsive to the previous posting in the struggle with denial that it really screwed me up.


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