Again I am stuck in my memories, living in parallel realities. I see autumn outside my window and see myself in rubber boots taking big steps in the leaves outside the cabin in the wood where I was raped so many times.
And the next image is from inside the cabin, I'm on the floor, maybe seven years old, and at least two men are tearing my clothes but I don't pay attention. Only thing in my mind is the girl sitting by my head, holding my hand, stroking me, telling me to listen to her and everything will be fine. And I listen to her and she tells me to see the pain as streaks of color through my body and I do. And when it all gets worse she screams in my ear that it is ok, it doesn't matter, they can do whatever they want, nothing matters.
Sometimes she will leave the room. She will stand outside the door and hold her hands over her ears, still screaming in my head that I be quiet even if they kill me. After she will come back and hold me. If I kept quiet she will tell me everything is fine and she loves me and I just relax until next time and that will go fine too. If I broke and panicked and screamd she will turn away and not talk to me and I will be desperate to the point that I provoke more abuse just to redeem and show her that I can keep quiet. Then she forgives me. Then she tells me everything is alright.
And of course there was no girl, I knew then as I know now that the girl is me, the valuable part of me that I protect and that lived on, forgetting all about the abuse, thinking all would be fine if she had a female body. And we are trying to live together now but problem is:
I still think of the abuse as it was no problem, it was fine, I could handle it. Even though I realise it was so bad I was torn apart and part of me left the body, even left the room. And I know the self hypnosis teqniques that I used were taught to me in the purpose to make me an enduring victim and I know they raped me and abused me before I knew that stuff and if I broke they would just continue. I know that. Still I cant stop thinking of it as no problem. Being ashamed of the occations when I broke and cried.
I told my T and I said I had to do it, they wanted to exploit my weekness to make me perpetrate on others (true) and I succeded, I didn't grow up to abuse children.
And T is silent for a while and then says "maybe you didn't succeed. Maybe you did grow up to abuse children" and I ask her what she meant and she says "the child within you"
And at first I'm like yeah, sure, that doesn't count. But then I've been thinking. Of course she's right. Also I said to her (as I always do)that better me than someone else cause I wasn't damaged sinse I had this ability to just see the pain and float on the rythm and she said to me "but BC, that IS the damage"
And here I am. Shit. She's right. And I cant stop doing this to myself. I try but everey time I get in touch with memories I think and feel that it was ok.
I mean I don't judge myself as a child. I don't judge my inner little girl. I guess this was my best way of protecting myself. But I keep doing it. My inner girl (who is now a woman and quite intimidating too) keeps telling me it was all fine and noone was damaged as long as I would just take it and keep quiet. And I know this woman is me. I just can't stop doing this to myself. So I try reading litterature on abuse and posts in here and just find myself triggered, hearing her voice in my head asking me how I would handle this or that described assault, demanding I make sure I would take it silently.
I'm abusing my inner child. Or getting abused by my inner adult woman. Don't know how to handle myself.