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#415640 - 11/08/12 04:34 AM Alone
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:20 AM)

#415651 - 11/08/12 07:02 AM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate to what he is going through, I remember getting angry about everything. repetitive sounds used to make me crazy. Loud noises, my daughter playing certain games and sudden movements, all these things would set me off on a tirade.

I cant remember the progress of your H's therapy, but look at getting him into a survivors group so that he can start to feel like he is not the only one that this is happening too. There is great comfort in the group dynamic for survivors, along with therapy.

I pray that you have someone that can support you. You need love care and understanding too.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#415682 - 11/08/12 04:44 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
outoflove Offline

Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
I think all of us spouses of survivors feel alone. We suffer alongside our husbands. It is sad to admit, but most of us become victims as well, feeling helpless because we unconditionally love a man who is in so much pain. We become victims of neglect, victims of his acting out, etc. How can we turn our backs on someone who is perhaps more alone than us? Most of us can't and won't.

Feel free to vent. I feel just as alone and helpless as you. I would lay down and die for my survivor.

#415704 - 11/08/12 09:12 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Vent away. Talk your frustration out here - it is a safe place with people who know already.

DO NOT, however, LIE DOWN AND DIE FOR ANYONE. It is not helpful. Be strong. Nourish yourself. Find support and love. Do not allow yourself to be more consumed than you already are. You have worth. You are valuable.

#415728 - 11/09/12 01:24 AM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Wow, I can see how frightening that would be!! I agree that you need time away to nourish yourself and receive loving support from a friend who is not in the middle of this storm. You will burn out if you don't make this time to recharge. While the situation was a little different, my H shared something his T said last night about me that you might relate to... I am a bystanders, observer only. I have a desperate desire to make sense of something that is insensible. I want to process it, analyze it, understand it, label it, put it in a box that will contain it and categorize it on it's appropriate shelf of life experiences... But some things in life are ugly, messy, frightening and just don't make sense. I cannot categorize this or control this. I have to just accept it, bear witness to validate my husband and make sure I look for beautiful moments in life that provide some solace from this horror.

I won't pretend to know anything about his fugues, but for now perhaps you can take comfort in the belief that they are functional. The may look frightening, but his mind may be using them to protect him from memories that may be simply too much too soon. They may have a positive purpose for now.

I have read that EMDR helps the mind to process trauma without having to re-live it. It can be a way to move forward in therapy while protecting the delicate balance in the mind needed to remain functional. I know you don't need this problem solved, but thought I'd throw out the idea...

Take care of yourself and try not to be consumed by this. You are not alone. We are right there beside you in heart.

Hugs to you.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#415770 - 11/09/12 11:39 AM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
G1psy Offline

Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi Runningonempty,

Scary thing to witness this!

My husband also "does" this.
He roll's his eyes very fast, it looks very scary, he is unable to move en freezes. He can still hear me talking during this, but more like i am standing in a different room.

My husband thinks he did this when he was a kid, during the abuse. Some small children that are abused also invent ways to dissociate, the don't do it on purpose, the have to, to survive.

I think you are right Roe, its is some kind of dissociative flashback.

Though a powerfull one when he is totally out.
You could let him check it out medically, just to be sure its cause is psychological. To be safe and sure.

Recovery from severe trauma does a lot of things to the brain.
There actually is some sort of braindamage.

I read somewhere that the right part of the brain is sometimes taking over completely during flashbacks and the left side is shut down so there is no access to emotional understanding or memory.

I don't think you are supposed to do anything Roe, Just be there.
I think its wise to be there and stay present during this.
There is also a lot of information on the internet on how to support a partner during a flash-back.
On the website of Jim Hopper i think as well. Some good stuff on yourtube as well.

Next to that, your own feelings are important to! I admire your strenght Roe! And you are not alone take care of yourself. Maybe find yourself someone to talk with, a therapist or something and ofcourse you can vent here!

Take care,

#415784 - 11/09/12 04:53 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
That could be just a flashback but, it sounds to me more like a psychogenic seizure - not epilepsy but an EEG would tell you that and either way, it shouldn't be ignored medically.

The reason I hesitate to call it a simple flashback is the disorientation afterwards, that is all too common post-ictal with seizures.

Certainly if it happens again, see a doctor, even psychogenic seizures can and should be treated medically.

#415811 - 11/09/12 11:24 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Mel78 Offline

Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina

you know you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. but i also know as a supporter that is much easier said than done. we tend to always put ourselves last simply because we feel that whatever we are dealing with is never as important as what they are fighting. but you are important. you are valuable. you are significant. you are loved.
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

#415814 - 11/09/12 11:57 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:20 AM)

#415858 - 11/10/12 04:07 PM Re: Alone [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Anibal22 Offline

Registered: 11/08/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Provincetown MA
I am new to this and trying to navigate what this site has to offer . I can certainly relate to the response to noise , sounds of any kind my partner sleeps with ear plugs and a sound machine and yet he says I wake him up often. There's so much information ou there , I first want to be sure that the problems between that have gotten progressively worse are symptoms of someone in denial . Even though he's told me he was invested but never shared much else . I been feeling like all I do in the relationship is provide a safe place for him , normalcy. Cooking
cleaning showing up together for his family affairs . From the outside it looks great but let me tell you not being touched or kissed in over 4 months is really
messing with my esteem .i feel I need to be invisible ,quiet and provide .while he loses himself in work and is completely unapproachable. Don't know who to talk to,I've been in a 12 step program and can usually work through most of the feelings. Not sure if this is the right place to post , would appreciate any guidance
sifting through directions and instructions is hard for me right now , I just want more information,validation and support


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