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#415477 - 11/06/12 08:54 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Hi Northern! How are you doing otherwise? You were looking into a new job and possibly a new start in a new city. I hope you are finding a positive direction for yourself that brings you joy, even if it is mixed with some sadness from your loss. All the best to you.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#415486 - 11/06/12 09:44 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Hey CdnDW! Sure do wish I could say things are awesome. I totally messed up the interview in the new city so that's off the board. I have a couple of other options that I'm following up but it's tough to stay optimistic.

The past couple of years have been so unbelievably stressful due to work and my marriage falling apart. I believe that we protect ourselves by not facing things until we're ready. It's only recently that I can see the extent of the destruction my husband's choices placed on me. I'm trying to not be a victim but it's tough. Plus I'm lonely but it's tough to meet ppl at my age and in my situation. I find it hard to let ppl in and when I do, BAM! This shit happens.

So enough of the moaning! I'm hoping I won't sabotage the next opportunity and that I'll get to a secure place soon enough. Thanks for checking in CdnDW. Sounds like things are headed in a positive direction for you. I'm happy to heard it.

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#415490 - 11/06/12 11:40 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1579
Loc: California
I don't have a lot to say in this reply, but I strongly urge you to go to (RUN!) some Alanon meetings. These meetings are designed for people who have relationships with loved ones with alcohol (drug) issues. Alanon will teach you how to love yourself and respect the relationship with honesty and compassion.

It is unfortunate that your husband is doing what he is doing (or not), but ultimately it is his choice. You can't control his behavior, nor can you cure him. He has to take those steps of his own accord.

The best thing you can do for him is to be the best human being you can possibly be. Alanon will show you the way.

D

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#415501 - 11/06/12 02:36 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
OH how I could've written this thread.

Is love enough? No, but honest love, unconditional love, are absolutely the basis for everything else. What the hell else would possess us to stick around and fight through things?

Let's be real, this sucks. Its sucks to be cheated on, it sucks to feel like everything you want or need comes secondary to the crap that happened to the man you love before you loved him. It sucks not being touched or validated or made to feel important compared to the CSA. So the question you have to ask yourself is... do you really love him? is it love that holds you in place? is it love that keeps you fighting? Is it your pride? Is it fear? Is it self-preservation? We do many many things out of fear.

Boundaries. Set them. Appreciate them. Breathe Again. Take back some of the power that his CSA has taken from YOU!

((((HUGS)))
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#415705 - 11/08/12 04:18 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Loving someone else is not enough. We have to love ourselves. That goes for our Hs too. They need to love themselves enough to want to get better. And we need to love ourselves enough to be able to create a life we love. (Al-anon is a good place to start).

It has taken me a long long time to get here. LOVE is nothing. There are a whole lot of practical, very unsexy things that make relationships work. And often, survivors and codependents are sadly lacking in those things (I know I certainly was). LOVE between two people is a product of that, not the creator of it.

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#415730 - 11/08/12 08:33 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: Esposa]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Well said, Esposa! Especially like this part:

Originally Posted By: Esposa
LOVE between two people is a product of that, not the creator of it.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#416759 - 11/20/12 11:27 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
wow!

Thanks everyone for posting! I am so glad to know that I have (and deserve) support!

I want to apologize for not replying sooner.

Unfortunately, I have been hospitalized for a while. I had pneumonia and I was generally too exhausted and asthmatic to do anything. But I am feeling a lot better now.

I have read all of the responses and I understand where you are all coming from.

Being in hospital was quite scary, I had to had adrenaline shots and oxygen as I couldn't breath. Two of the people in my ward sadly passed away.

But I have taken this time in hospital as a realization. I cannot continue the way I am. I am definitely determined to set my boundaries.

Just because we love each other does not mean we are meant to be together. It pains me so much to say this it's unreal. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped apart. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

I always felt I could cope with anything regarding his abuse, because I thought we were partners and I have his back the same way he would have mine.

But with the death of my sisters and becoming really depressed I didn't realize that he did NOT have my back. I carried him and loved him at his darkest, but when I needed him the most, he was to scared to see me like this, so instead he went on self-destruct mode and hoped I'd get better on my own. Only adding to my worries.

I can see it all clearly now.

So I have set my boundaries. He has one year to get his act together. This is not a threat, it's a fact. I AM EXHAUSTED and I can't pull both our weights anymore. Meanwhile I have joined the gym today, and have been for a walk, I have done my make up, and tomorrow I will get my hair done. I have also bought some new clothes and I am generally pampering my well deserved break. Since I've had no luck with jobs, I have decided to go back to university and study to become a teacher. My course begins next year and I am very excited about it.

I have learned everything that is valuable from my mother. She has been through hell and back more than once and she is a true survivor, and so am I.

I believe (or want to believe) my partner is a trooper too, but I am on my way up, and it is up to him, to come and join me.

So far, it does seem he has understood what I am saying. He went to the doctor today, and apologized for his horrid behavior during the last year or so. (forgive me for being cynical) But I have seen it all before, so I'll believe it when I see it. Today is 2 days alcohol free. I know it sounds like nothing, but looks promising... we'll see

I will keep you updated

Thanks again for the support and love.

I always end up in tears when I visit malesurvivor but I am thankful for it being here

xoxo

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#504523 - 12/01/16 08:20 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 128
This thread, I could have written everything in it. Seems I am at the same place that so many partners come to.

I love the concept of taking back my power that HIS CSA took from me.

I, like you guys, supported him and was there by his side in his darkest hours, and just like you guys - he ran away from me during mine because it turned into being about HIM and HIS needs and HIS fears. Leaving me behind to pick up the mess, get through it on my own, because its too hard for him to be around. He thinks its to hard to witness, and yet he leaves me alone to fumble through the dark, hoping that I dont loose myself in the grief of the death of my mother and before that my late husband (who was my best friend, and who my current husband accepted). Battling the stress of an injury to my back that changed me physically in ways that I am JUST now overcoming. Loosing myself in the darkness of depression and loneliness of never feeling like I matter, that I am seen.

And then to be told so many times that yes, his future is with me, he loves me and wants to do what it takes.... until it comes time to actually DO the uncomfortable things. Then its - no I have to leave you, I cant be a good husband, I need to do what I WANT to do and not have responsibilities... and then there is more darkness for me, realizing that all the times I invested in him, in us, in building our life, always with the promise that soon he will be there for me, that I am "not alone"... until I am right?

Sorry - i am rambly. i am stressed. I love my husband to the moon and back again infinite times. I am making decisions about him leaving out of love. But I find myself falling back into the trap of hope. And when I catch myself, it hurts. Because I cannot lie to myself and pretend that he will be there. He is leaving and I will be ok. My mantra, the only thing that I can tell myself. And its the truth, I will be. I am a strong person, I have learned to be strong.

My husband has warped views of himself, of me, of what love is, and he has absolutely NO concept of commitment - until its a commitment to HIM.

He doesnt have my back as much as he likes to say he does. Because when its time to prove that - he runs, leaving me behind on the battlefield, never looking back to see if I am ok, because all he sees is his own reflection.

I know he wasnt born that way. I know thats not what he WANTS to be. I think he believes he is genuine, and I think he is in the moment. But he lacks the fortitude of follow through. I hope he finds his way one day. The idea that he stays lost forever is too much to bear sometimes.

I want to be supportive, but I am so very tired. SO many things are in my shoulder bag right now that I cannot put down. You know - like that old saying about releasing your burdens? If only...

I know he understands. He is extraordinarily brilliant, though he plays dumb. He acts like he doesnt know what to do - but he does, I watch him with others. But they arent a threat. They wont have expectations that he means what he says when he says it. They arent there every day looking back into his eyes expecting him to keep his word and to be genuine.

Sorry - I am just writing my thoughts. I am sure that this is just the fallout from what was actually a lovely holiday. I think reading this thread brought a dose of reality to my life that I was clearly loosing a grasp on.

My husband is a better man than he knows. But because he doesn't know it, he is abandoning me, our life, our home.
_________________________
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

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#504529 - 12/02/16 07:01 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: durham, north england
Alternative view here.

For me at least, love was and is enough. I was in the most god awful mess (see some of my posts from pre last august), I got out of that mess thanks to the fact that my lady, who is now my wife loves me and I love her.

"love" however means putting someone else's needs first. Taudry example, this afternoon we're going back to my parents for the weekend and we needed to wash the dishes before leaving.

I usualy wash and my wife usually dries, however I pointed out that we could leave the stuff on the drainer so there wasn't a need for her to bother this time. She said she felt guilty about leaving me with the washing up, I told her not to worry, I loved her, and anyway I was more than used to doing it for myself having lived alone for pretty much all of my adult life (and besides I could go on reading my very awesome fantasy novel while I did so).

Of course, I could have said "well I'm busy checking male surviver could you please wash up this time" and she would've done it, but that is just not something I'd do, anymore than I'd have said "well I'm a man so it's not my job"

The same goes for Sa recovery, and in particular recovery from my genophobia. I was entirely honest about the sa, about what happened, even before we got together I told her that though I loved her she'd be better without me, indeed my wife has been amazing herself, everything from giving me my first kiss to very gently and beautifully showing me that making love doesn't have to be like my abuse.

I do not love myself. I know this is a consequence of my csa, but it is still something I can't fix, loving myself to me seems arrogant, selfish, unreasonable. I love my wife though, and know she loves me, and therefore will do literally anything not to hurt her, and she's said exactly the same, heck, she's moved countries to be with me.

In some ways I suppose you could say our relationship is extremely wrong, since we both are so very focused upon the other person, indeed debates of the sort "what do you want for dinner tonight" "well what do you! want" are rather common.

Of course we have our off days, triggers make me panic, make me defensive, and I do have a negative streak that I know is sometimes hard to deal with.

However, for me at least, I can say love was enough, albeit love in a very complete, practical, and indeed quite scary sense.
Sorry if this is a little incoherent, I need to dash.

Luke.

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#504538 - 12/02/16 10:38 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: dark empathy]
Ceremony Online   confused


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 452
Loc: Minnesota
Being a failure, as much as knowing the same as you Luke (I don't love myself), the hurt I inflict on myself is deep. I read from others here, their guilt about making others suffer from the self inflicted derision, worthlessness, and failure thinking. My wife has been rigidly against the self victim mantle, or yoke I carry. She screams sometimes that I am a failure, and tricked her! She comes from a family without rape victims, alcoholic pot smokers, and self pity whiners like me!

She's been treating me badly. I'm very hurt. I do tell her. My T wants me to be genuine and cry with the hurt. I'm not sure it will happen easily? The circumstances to do that need trust and hope, both of which die quickly with her words. Men say "leave!"; Once, a few months ago, I was given women's shelter numbers, for the shelters that might take men.

Do you know what that feels like? Really? To be the emotionally battered husband? And telling so, many times to my wife, and I've got recordings going back years to show what I mean. She denies it outright, that my playing the victim is always keeping me down, at the same time she's denying I'm allowed the hurt. 3 decades, ....... the only woman I have been with....... fear of failure, fear of homelessness, fear of losing my son.... I would rather die! I'll run my car at 120.... can't lose my son, my daughters absence nearly destroyed me. Youth saved me then, now I'm a wreck of a man, no good for getting good things. I'm a failure. You can't know, you don't know me enough. It's painful to explain the 3 main points of failure.

1)Age and seriously over-weight
2)Fearful and failed memory retention
3)Too caught up in fear to do steps that make anything better.

And I'm alone, no one to talk to. No friends, a burden to others, useless.

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