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#415317 - 11/04/12 06:58 PM Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me
Green Pumpkin Offline


Registered: 11/04/12
Posts: 1
Hope this is the right forum...

I believe I have to talk to my mother about how my older brother abused me so she knows to keep him away from my sister's kids - I know it willl come as a great shock to her, I would love some feedback on how to proceed.

Thanks!

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#415343 - 11/04/12 10:24 PM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
since no one else has jumped in here, and i don't want you to feel ignored, i'll kick this off...

first, welcome, Green Pumpkin! i hope you'll find the answers you seek here.

unfortunately, i can't supply the answer to this one. i never disclosed anything to anyone untill it was far too late.

however - there are threads about disclosure that i'm sure you would find helpful. do a search and see what you find in both the Male Survivor forum and maybe the Friends and Family. maybe some of the guys who have more personal experience can chip in with some good guidance??? For a start, here is an article that may help:

http://malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

i would encourage you to read about it and think it through thoroughly before taking action. AND - i do share your concern and think it is important to intervene for the sake of the kids. AND - it may also give you some unexpected benefits in your own progress. But there could also be some family conflict that arises.

in the meantime, don't be shy about joining in here. you are among friends.

Wishing you well,
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#415418 - 11/05/12 06:12 PM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
BUMP -

Please - somebody who has had experience in this - please respond.

thanks,
lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#415454 - 11/06/12 02:16 AM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3801
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Pumpkin,
Lee has had some good points. Please read that article about confronting, that is one the hardest task to accomplish for some survivors.
I would be very sensitive when talking with family members, there are many cases when parents were non responsive, neglectful and non-supportive when some abuse happened in families. I hope your mother will be full with understanding but in any case please be ready for different outcome as well and look for some support outside your family.
Please share more with us, here is offered good opportunity to discuss it openly and to think more about.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#497416 - 04/08/16 09:05 AM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
JohnnyC Offline


Registered: 02/21/16
Posts: 4
Loc: Ohio
I didn't tell my parents until 35 years after the abuse, because I couldn't deal with it myself but also because I didn't want to hurt them (my older brother was the perp too).

When I did tell them, they WERE hurt, and they felt incredible guilt for not being able to protect me.

I was very matter-of-fact, very clear and very open. I told them, no more secrets. Keeping quiet causes just as much, if not more, damage.

Please try not to hinge your emotions to how your mom reacts. She may react by hugging you and weeping. She may exhibit complete denial. She may attack you for the reveal. Regardless, remember that what she does is coming from inside HER and has nothing to do with YOU.

Be strong and remember that light always trumps darkness and openness always beats secrets.

There is no higher card than the truth.

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#497421 - 04/08/16 10:26 AM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: JohnnyC]
KL Offline


Registered: 01/27/16
Posts: 110
Originally Posted By JohnnyC
I didn't tell my parents until 35 years after the abuse, because I couldn't deal with it myself but also because I didn't want to hurt them (my older brother was the perp too).

When I did tell them, they WERE hurt, and they felt incredible guilt for not being able to protect me.

I was very matter-of-fact, very clear and very open. I told them, no more secrets. Keeping quiet causes just as much, if not more, damage.

Please try not to hinge your emotions to how your mom reacts. She may react by hugging you and weeping. She may exhibit complete denial. She may attack you for the reveal. Regardless, remember that what she does is coming from inside HER and has nothing to do with YOU.

Be strong and remember that light always trumps darkness and openness always beats secrets.

There is no higher card than the truth.


That's incredibly insightful, well said.

I'll only emphasize be sure to keep your guard up. Family, especially when one of them was already your abuser, can be so unexpectedly damaging during disclosure. A lot of emotional weight is wrapped around family...one way or another it will change all of your lives...the way you interact...your brother may never speak to you again...another family member might not...some closenesses will be torn apart. It can be devastating, and sometimes you'll feel even more alone afterwards.

Go for it. If you're ready.

I scoffed when everyone on here told me to tread with caution about confronting my abuser...now I know why. The world I live in isn't nearly even the same from the one over a month ago. Some unions are stronger, but stressed...others are gone, seemingly forever. It tears your heart out.

Tread softly.
_________________________
"Somebody get that boy a therapist."

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#497433 - 04/08/16 05:43 PM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2442
My father died never knowing my secret. I kept him at arm's length to protect us both from a conversation I dreaded. What a waste. What a loss. He died saying he didn't know me. The regrets - months of relentless sobbing grief - landed me with a therapist for "grief therapy." That was when I finally saw my life - like looking in the mirror for the first time. I was very fortunate to have found that T (just coincidentally he specialized in CSA). And I vowed I would not let the opportunity slip by to "have the talk" with my mom. It was not easy for either of us. But it was essential to build a bridge between us. She is in advanced Alzheimer's. I can be there fully for her now. No regrets.

Talk to your parents. For your own sake - talk to them.

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#497545 - 04/12/16 01:12 PM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
Just be aware that your mother may refuse to believe this- flat out denial- so think about how you would deal with that and what other steps you would take. Flat out refusal to believe it (particularly with mothers) happens way more often than you think (with family abuse it is way easier for the mother to just refuse to believe it or ignore it- simplest solution).

Also be clear on your motivation- you say you want to tell your mother to protect your sisters kids, but likely you also want to say for your own emotional well-being, so you have a complex situation there.

This revelation (if believed) will change your family dynamics forever- as you say this is why you want to make the revelation- to make sure that you do change the family dynamics, to make sure that your brother doesn't see your sisters kids, so this will change the family forever, so must be managed carefully.

If I was you I would do this in stages- if you come out and demand that your brother doesn't see your sisters kid then you will be putting everybody's backs up against the wall and the easiest thing will be to shoot you down and not believe you or make out you are lying for some other reason.

But if you come out slowly, bit by bit, first telling your mother that you suffered abuse, waiting for that to sink in, and then tell your mother that it was your brother, and let the family judge on the situation with your sisters kids.
_________________________



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#497773 - 04/20/16 09:32 AM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
roninsteve Offline


Registered: 10/14/08
Posts: 17
Loc: Victoria Australia
I have chosen not to tell my parents.
When I was getting hurt my mum was punishing me for lost homework, torn school uniform or being late home after getting hurt etc.
she has refused to admit to the punishments and refused to admit all the problems I was having. In arguments she like to jump to the ,"Get over it" line but will not vocalize what it is that I have to get over. She heaps lies upon lies about my childhood. She even denies walking in on me trying to kill myself.
In the end I think that not telling them is about protecting myself. My sister used to make me sleep with her and she is definitely the golden child. There is simply no benefit for me to telling them.
Please just be ready. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. and yes whatever they say is reflection on them not you.

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#497774 - 04/20/16 09:46 AM Re: Talking to my mom about how my brother abused me [Re: Green Pumpkin]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3221
Green Pumpkin--only you can decide what is right for you. You need to make sure you are ready for whatever response they may have--will they support, deny or change the subject. You know your emotions best as well as how your parents respond to difficult news. I wish you the best--you may have the need to share just to release the pain and their response may not have any bearing on you. Remember we are here to support you.

Roninsteve I hate that "get over it". It is the worse thing you can say to a survivor. They have not lived it--I find people who have their own issues or are void of compassionate emotions use this phrase--it diverts attention away from them and pushes it back on the survivor.

Kevin

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