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#415287 - 11/04/12 03:42 PM Need advice-Losing friends and the endless cycle
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
This is a long one, sorry.

So I realized recently that my husband is pushing our friends away. Most of our friends are "couples" friends--like we hang out as husbands and wives. I'm usually friends with the wife and he the husband. We do things together and separately. Over the past year and a half, I have noticed that he is slowly pushing our friends away. He would either show up separately to a friends house, often very late. Or just not hang out at all. This weekend has been terrible. Friday night he was supposed to hang out with the husband of my friend. He was going to go to their house and I was going to hang out with the wife. I did my thing, but he totally abandoned my friends husband. He ordered him food, waited around--and my husband didn't even call to tell him he wasn't coming. Instead, I came home to find my husband obsessing over his helicopter hobby. I asked him what is more important, his friends or his helicopters. He said "Right now my helicopters." Ok so whatever, I went out and didn't let my night be ruined. The next day we had plans with another couple. We were supposed to hang out at noon. He kept finding excuse after excuse to not go. Feeling sick, problem with his helicopter--you name it. I kept asking our friends if we can have another hour or so. Eventually they said "Sorry, we made other plans. We couldn't wait." I don't blame them, it just sucks. None of our friends know about his abuse.

So now I feel like he is pushing his friends away and I am being affected because they are my friends too. We had a huge fight. I told him I was thinking of leaving. He cursed at me (in front of our son--he is only four months old, but at some point he is going to start absorbing all this...) and I told him that I shouldn't leave that he should. He is the one not dealing with the issues so why should I be inconvenienced? He is always telling me that I'm better off if I leave--that he doesn't deserve good things. So I put that back in his face (of course I regret this now because I know I hurt him) but my big Italian mouth got the best of me. I said "You tell me you don't deserve me, our son--what makes you think you deserve this house??!!" He then walked out--went somewhere to spend money we don't have (another problem).

It's just the endless cycle--I'm so frustrated. It's like we have a few great days where he opens up, we have a good night. Then something happens and he goes off to a dark place in his mind where nothing else matters. When does he realize this isn't working...he needs help! He is on the verge of losing his job. And the sad part is I feel like I'm so tired and exhausted from trying and trying and getting nothing positive in return, that I just don't care anymore. Let him lose his job. Let him lose his friends. I'm just going to keep going. I'm basically a single mom anyway.

When will things turn around? I just want him to try.

If you made it through reading all of that, thanks.

#415302 - 11/04/12 09:58 PM Re: Need advice-Losing friends and the endless cycle [Re: RachelMac]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
My heart goes out to you Rachel.
Do you ever write him a letter? I've done that with my H. I tell him how I love him- how our marriage is being impacted, etc. I try to phrase things without blame- so he will hear it. I tell him how I feel and what I need.

My H and I don't do a lot of social things. When we have gone out in the past his insecurities are a barrier. He is very clingy and is rude to others. He doesn't realize he is doing it until afterwards. Right now I choose to not do social things with other couples because I don't end up having fun. I will do things with other girlfriends so I can at least have "me" time.

I know this sounds harsh but at times I have to view CSA as an illness like one would view having a spouse with Cancer. We can't do the same things as "other couples" right now. The "illness" makes things like connecting, communicating, social activities, going to public places, etc more difficult. We can do all of those things but it takes a lot of work from the both of us to get through it.

#415335 - 11/05/12 02:30 AM Re: Need advice-Losing friends and the endless cycle [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
My father in law said that very thing to me. My husband is sick and so right now things can't be how I hope they could be. Learning more each day. I think I will just have to have some "girl" time til he can get better. I also think to myself that I said "In sickness and health" when we married. That sorta brings me back to earth when I'm all up in my head about everything.

I have written him letters but he never responds. Texting is the best way we communicate right now unfortunately. He doesn't have to face me to talk I guess. Sometimes he doesn't even respond to text though, but I make sure I let him know somehow how I am feeling.

#416273 - 11/14/12 09:12 PM Re: Need advice-Losing friends and the endless cycle [Re: RachelMac]
Lookin4Support Offline

Registered: 11/14/12
Posts: 2
Hi. I am new to this site. My husband is completely anti-social, I have accepted that and don't bug him about it. I do convince him to go out to dinner once in a while though and for each of our birthdays (including his). I was a bit surprised that this is common (my husband was abused sexually, physically, mentally and neglected). It is a great relief to see that this is common. He suffers anxiety attacks when we go out (which to others appear that he is being very nasty) and it took me a long time to see and understand that he becomes this way because he doesn't feel good. I stopped trying to force him to go out a long time ago but didn't quite get it until he started very slowly telling me about his abuse (somehow he thought I knew from all of his hints over the course of time we've been together) and even at that, it took a traumatic experience for him to open up to me, our son was arrested and throughout the course of court proceedings he started opening up (we've been together for almost 24 yrs, I met him when I was 13), mind you I went to court alone. He was dealing with this differently. Thank you, I just realized that I need to write everything down because I need someone to help me to help him. He will not seek help of any type, I've tried.

#416289 - 11/15/12 05:51 AM Re: Need advice-Losing friends and the endless cycle [Re: RachelMac]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
male survivor here.

i am sorry for your situations, ladies - but gotta tell you - if you expect normal behaviour from a survivor - you will probly be disappointed. we all have our weird quirks and handicaps - some more severe than others.

i don't do well in crowds either - ok in a small mixed group of up to half a dozen. more than that makes me anxious. restaurant or movie or concert is OK - but not big social event where i am expected to mingle - big parties and conferences are the worst. no - groups of all men are the worst! i'm good with my wife inviting a couple or two to our house - not so good outside my home turf.

best you can do is find ways of having your own social life - whether or not he goes along. the pressure to be "normal" and act like everyone else just makes it worse - emphasizes the feelings of being an unacceptable, defective freak.

it is what it is - until he decides to change. i know from experience. change is possible - but hard and slow.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3


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